Newbie...desperate mom with 20 yo addict...court tomorrow

[Wakegirl]

Hello all. I found this forum while searching the web out of desperation. I have been living in complete hell for the past 5 years, and I'm literally at my wits end. My hair is falling out, my heart palpitates...my worries about my son consume my life, and has made it quite miserable. It was nice to find a place where I can vent, and people will accept me without judging me.

I guess it's best to start with a little history. I'll list just some of the major things that have happened over the last 5 years. Keep in mind that difficult child was the perfect child, if there ever was one. Sweet. Loving. Considerate. Honor student (up until the 10th grade)....and a HUGE momma's boy (his father and I are divorced). Sadly, we're slowly becoming enemies.

He changed schools in 10th grade, and that's when things started happening. It started with getting kicked off of the football team for dipping in the locker room. Of course, he was warned 3 times. Of course, everybody else did it, so that made it ok. The coaches were stupid, ya know? Soon after that, I caught him smoking cigarettes. Then, the fighting began. He turned into a very angry person. Always mouthing off and picking a fight with other guys, whether it was over a girl, or something somebody said. I had guys driving by my house flashing brass knuckles and baseball bats. Everybody wanted to fight. He even had a friend that got beat so severely in the head with a baseball bat, he was in the hospital for over a year. Traumatic. His grades began to decline. His anger was showing in class. He punched a brick wall because a teacher told him to put his hacky sack up. We agreed he needed in school counseling. The counselor was stupid, and didn't know anything...so the story goes. His senior year, he began dating a freshman. Ever since, he's always dated girls that are much younger. I think it's because he's on their same maturity level. But we have warned him the trouble he can get in for dating such young girls. He's invincible, and there's nothing wrong with an 18 yo dating a 14 year old. Ugh. That relationship turned VERY toxic. Fights every day. Yelling. Screaming. Controlling. Breaking phones and punching holes in the wall due to anger. I don't like judging people, but this little girl was the epitome of crazy. CRAZY. So, 2 young and crazy kids dating wasn't pretty. Fortunately, he DID graduate! Whew!! It came time to decide if he was going away to college or staying home. He had a great opportunity to go to an SEC college, tuition paid for by my parents. Of course, leaving the girlfriend behind weighed on him. He made the decision to go on his own. We were all happy and very proud of him. I spent a lot of money making his dorm room feel like home. His 2nd weekend there, he wanted to drive home for a visit! Sure, why not! When he left to go back on Sunday, he was pulled over for speeding, and got arrested for possession of marijuana, driving under the influence of marijuana, and having a case of beer in the back of his truck (he had some buddy buy it for him before he left to go back). One of his fraternity brothers bailed him out (by the way, the fraternity thing only lasted 2 months, before he was butting heads with the older guys. He didn't like being told what to do, and soon dropped out.) After taking off work to go to court with him, paying the 2300.00 fine, it was MY fault that his license got suspended. The judge was stupid. I was stupid. And NOBODY is gonna take his license away. He left the courthouse without saying goodbye to me, knowing I had driven 3 hours, and wouldn't see him again for however long. Jerk. Fast forward a few months, and he caught a ride home with a friend that lives in our area. He was driving a friends car that had a busted tail light, and got pulled over. He was arrested again for driving with a suspended drivers license. 175.00 to bail him out, and another 1200.00 in court fees that I paid. Of course, it wasn't appreciated. The cops are dumb. Yada yada yada. He flunked his first semester, and we said it was time to come home. He pleaded that he wanted a second chance and we gave it to him. Only to find out that he never went to a single class his second semester. Thousands of dollars down the drain. And a son that got a degree in drugs and alcohol 101.

He's been home going on 2 years, and I have 5 requests of him. Get a job. Do your own laundry. Put your dishes in the dish washer. Don't do drugs. Pay me 40.00 a week for your truck insurance and cell phone. Simple. Yet he fails at ALL of them 95% of the time. He's had 3 jobs. Two of them I got for him due to my acquaintances. He lost the first one becasue he was constantly late, he took long lunches, he was a smartellic to his boss, and he came back from lunch sometimes smelling of weed. He was warned numerous times. The second job was just temporary help, but he blew through the 1,400.00 he made in no time. Without paying me a dime. Always had an excuse as to where his money went. His current job is experiencing a slow time, and he maybe works 1 day a week. He sleeps, eats, plays video games, and screws his girlfriend in my house when I'm not home, and sometimes when I am home. His vice is spice, or synthetic weed. It turns him into the devil. It got so bad, that I had him arrested this past October, after I had gone through numerous outrages with him. I had simply asked him a question, and it set him on fire. He began screaming at me, knocking pictures off the walls, tuning lamps over, cocking his gun at me, and then taking a knife and acting as if he was going to slit his wrist. We left him in jail for 3 days. His father took away his guns in lieu of bail. We had one stipulation. He HAD to get help after he got out. He agreed. His father went and got him and took him straight to the local treatment center (I couldn't be involved because I was the one who had him arrested, and there was a restraining order on him) . They did a 10 day outpatient assessment. I was in touch with the therapist and she did inform me that if he did not commit to intense treatment, I would be identifying him at the morgue one day, or he would end up doing a lot of jail time in the future. He is an addict in denial. He wasn't real receptive to the treatment...it was ridiculous, everybody in his group has problems that have nothing to do with him, and he knew what he needed to do. So, we changed him to another treatment center. This one would provide more one on one counseling. Again, he's been unrecpticve, doodles on paper, draws tatttos on his hand, and gets an attitude with the therapists. It's all been a total waste of my money, and that was proven just Sunday. I caught him smoking spice in MY HOUSE, with me just down the stairs. REALLY??? The audacity. After words were exchanged (yes, I went crazy on him this time), his girlfriend came to get him. He was gone about an hour before I got a text stating that his girlfriend is 5 weeks pregnant. This is a new girlfriend....and did I mention that she is only 16 yo?? My heart sank. Tears started flowing. I got mad. Sad. All of the above. Did I also mention that he's already been through this scare once before with the toxic girlfriend? She's already had the baby, and it's not his...thank goodness. But she led him to believe that it was for a long time. So, here I am with a 20 yo difficult child, who is on drugs, has no ambition in life, has a huge sense of entitlement, thinks he's invincible, eats me out of house and home, leaves his laundry piled up in my laundry room, leaves his dishes in the sink, has cussed me and called me every name under the sun including b****, mother f'er, c*nt, etc, stolen from me, changed the amount of a check I gave him to pay a ticket, pilfers through my room looking for change for drugs, thrown suitcases and shoes at me...and now he's going to be a father.

We go to court tomorrow. It's a follow up from when I had him arrested in October. He has violated his probation by not working full time, not going to AA, not attending his counseling like he should and smoking spice. I'm a nervous wreck and my heart literally hurts from thinking that I may have to watch the court take him tomorrow. I've been the best mom I could possibly be, and I'm so sad....

If you made it this far in my post, THANK YOU! Any thoughts? Advice? Anything? I'm desperate. And I want my normal life back.

 

[Nancy]

Welcome wakegirl and I'm glad you found us also. You will find the members here very accepting. We have all been there done that and some of us still are. I could have written your story except my difficult child is a girl. Down to the lastingonly two months in college before she as arrested, finding out she never attended one class, enrolling her in a community college to have that tuition lost because she never went to class and found every druggie in the school, to the getting pregnant (thank goodness she didn't go through with the pregnancy), to the recovery program that she didn't commit to, to getting arrested for shoplifting and on and on.

We finally had to make her leave our home because we just couldn't live like that anymore. Two years later she is still living in an apartment in a very poor part of the city and getting fired from her jobs for not following rules and not paying her bills. But we finally have peace in our home and have a fairly decent relationship with her now that we don;t interact with her on a dialy basis. She is only 21 but honesty it feels like she should be 35 from everything we have been through with her.

Our difficult child is actually going to court Thursday after completing her community service and theft class for her shoplifting charge. She just started a new job and it's now up to her to make a different path.

I can sit here and tiell you to stop rescuing him and kick him out but you already know that. I found a parent support group I go to that has helped me tremendously. It's time he learn what the real world is really like.

Nancy

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Hi and welcome! I'm sorry, but why in the world is he still living with you? He is 20 years old. To live at home as an adult is not a right and if he is not abiding by the rules, it is time for him to go make it on his own...

There is an old saying that is so true in the world of addiction - nothing changes if nothing changes.

He has all of the comforts of home all while being a koi head. Why would he want to change anything??

Would you put up with this abuse from anyone else?

Time to let him grow up and for you to enjoy life. My opinion, anyway.

 

[Wakegirl]

I have kicked him out 3 times, and had the locks changed all 3 times. I believe in second chances, which is why I ever let him back in. Of course, he's taken advantage of the second, third, forth, etc., chances. He use to throw out suicide threats to me. At least once a week. Even went as far as linking several belts together, tying them to the foot of his bed, and saying that he was going to hang himself out of his bedroom window. That scared me, and added to my worries, so I always let him back in. I worry just as much as when he's been kicked out as I do when he's home...so I don't understand how my life can improve or be peaceful with him gone. I KNOW I have to quit enabling. But does that mean I have to kick him out? Do I just quit buying food, quit paying his cell phone and insurance, quit everything...or let him go? This is SOOOOOO hard.

 

[Kathy813]

Oh my. I'm sorry you had to find us but glad that you did. Like Nancy said, your story could be my story without the violence but that might be because my difficult child is a girl. Instead of violence, she stole from us and verbally abused us and brought drugs into our home.

I had several reactions to your story. Like my difficult child, yours was a easy child for a very long time until a sudden change happened in the early teenage years. I would look at the possibility of a dual diagnosis of mental illness and substance abuse. Often, mental illnesses manifest in the adolescent/early adulthood years. Of course, that doesn't give your difficult child the right to abuse you or take advantage of living with you while doing whatever he pleases. It just might help you understand the sudden changes.

I am not a big fan of kicking out difficult child's if there are mental health issues involved and they are trying to get better and going to counseling. However, in your case, I don't see that you have any choice since your difficult child is not willing to get help or even admit his substance abuse problem. So, yes, in my opinion, it is time for him to leave the comfort of your home. Maybe your difficult child will be willing to admit his problems and seek help once he realizes that you will not allow him to take advantage of you anymore and he has to start supporting himself.

If you can't bring yourself to kick him out (and depending on the state you live in you may have to go through the eviction process to get him out), by all means cut off all financial support immediately. You don't owe him a car, insurance, food or cell phone. Remember that anything you pay for him just gives him money that he can spend on drugs instead. If he chooses to drive without insurance, it is on him. Once of my biggest problems was not letting my difficult child suffer the consequences of her actions. If he gets a ticket or loses his license because he won't pay for his car insurance, so be it. Chalk it up to a life lesson.

by the way, my difficult child also used the emotional blackmail of suicide threats. You need to call each and every time he makes a threat. They probably won't do anything but at least he will see that you are willing to call his bluff.

As our therapist says, you can't change your difficult child's behavior but you can change your reactions to it.

Keep posting. We are here to listen and offer support and advice. Take the advice that is helpful to you and ignore the rest.

~Kathy

 

[Wakegirl]

Thank you all so much for the kind words of support. Up until yesterday, I thought I was the only parent going through this. All of my friends have children successfully succeeding in life. Sigh. Although I hate that anybody has to go through this, there's a sense of comfort knowing I'm not alone.

I just returned form meeting with his counselor. (difficult child signed a release that allows communication between the counselor and I). He has written a letter for me to take to court tomorrow that states that the current level of treatment that difficult child is receiving is not working. He is advising to the court that he receives residential treatment. Question....is forced treatment going to be successful since he isn't ready and willing to do it himself? It's either that or jail since he has violated his probation. Or POSSIBLY move out. Do I discuss these options with him tonight? The mere thought makes my stomach turn. I know what his reaction will be. Or do I just keep quiet and let the prosecutor do his job tomorrow.

 

[Wakegirl]

Kathy813...I felt the same way reading several stories on here. I promise I could've written many of them myself. I was told today by his counselor that starting drugs at a young age (16 yo) really stunts a child from maturing into their age group. Which makes perfect sense. My difficult child was always mature beyond his age, up until drug use. He is now a 16 yo in an almost 21 yo body. He hasn't matured one bit. He has no life skills. No sense of responsibility. Nothing. For a long time, when I started noticing change, I blamed it on testosterone. Silly me. Then a light bulb came on, and I thought is he using drugs? In the beginning, I could never find proof. Was he mentally ill, bipolar? What's going on with my child so I took him to the doctor to get on an antidepressant....and informed the doctor of my suspicion of drugs. She informed me that marijuana use while taking the antidepressant could enhance his suicidal thoughts. So much for that. I didn't force it. I still feel that something isn't right, mentally, and I don't know if it's because of long term drug use, or a mental illness, chemical imbalance, or all of the above. Hence the reason I have a hard time kicking him to the curb. It's painful to digest.

Also, his truck is in my name. It's paid for, but I have some peace of mind knowing there's insurance on it. Plus, when his license got suspended for his DUI, it was mandatory that he carry SR22 insurance for 3 years. There's one more year to go on that. But I could definitely turn his cell phone off. Of course I talk myself out of it by saying "what if there's an emergency"....just like the time he left the house with the oven on (on his way to therapy) and called me to make sure I was going to be home soon to turn it off. Always something tearing at my soul.

 

[Nancy]

Many people are forced into treatment, I don't know of many who go willingly. I do believe recovery can happen and I see it in my support group all the time. Of course if he doesn't put the effort into the program and continues to deny he has a problem it probably won;t but I have seen many people break down while in treatment and accept that they have a problem.

From my experience courts are looking for any kind of help they can get with substance abusers. They realize jail does not fix their problem. Many courts have drug programs. I would give the court whatever information you have from his counselor. It's can't hurt.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Thank you all so much for the kind words of support. Up until yesterday, I thought I was the only parent going through this. All of my friends have children successfully succeeding in life. Sigh. Although I hate that anybody has to go through this, there's a sense of comfort knowing I'm not alone.

I just returned form meeting with his counselor. (difficult child signed a release that allows communication between the counselor and I). He has written a letter for me to take to court tomorrow that states that the current level of treatment that difficult child is receiving is not working. He is advising to the court that he receives residential treatment. Question....is forced treatment going to be successful since he isn't ready and willing to do it himself? It's either that or jail since he has violated his probation. Or POSSIBLY move out. Do I discuss these options with him tonight? The mere thought makes my stomach turn. I know what his reaction will be. Or do I just keep quiet and let the prosecutor do his job tomorrow.

Oh I would LOVE court ordered treatment. Definitely let the prosecutor do his job. Just because it is forced doesn't mean some of it won't sink in and that in time he will like being sober.. I always watch Intervention and watch them go kicking and screaming only to see them smiling at the end over how much better they feel. There are never any guarantees but it is always worth a shot...better than jail or sitting home doing nothing....

 

[Kathy813]

We had to hire an interventionist to get my difficult child into her current placement. She told my husband and me that only 15% of substance abusers voluntarily seek treatment. Most are forced to go by a court order or family intervention. She explained that in my daughter's case, she needed a dual diagnosis facility because she needed treatment for her personality disorder and substance abuse simultaneously because they were intertwined and you couldn't treat one without the other.

I would say if you could get a court order to force your difficult child into treatment that would be wonderful. You get the relief of having him out of your home while you get the peace of mind that he is in a safe place and receiving treatment. It is a win win to me.

by the way, if he doesn't go I would take away the truck or put it in his name and stop paying the insurance. You would be liable if an accident happened while he was under the influence and you could lose everything. We ended up putting the car in our daughter's name and then made her pay for her own insurance so we would not be liable if she had an accident.

 

[toughlovin]

Wakegirl - I so sympathize as I have been in your shoes (maybe slightly different shoes but I have walked the same path) and it is a very difficult and heart breaking path to be sure. So yes you have found a place where you will get a lot of real understanding and caring.

You may have read my story on this forum..... but the short version is my son (now 21) has been in and out of many treatment programs. He has spent two weeks in jail for continuing to break the law and finally the court had enough.... and yes the alternative to going longer to jail was rehab... which he did several different times. The last time was a great place but he eventually walked otu of the program with a girl.... I think realized his mistake and tried to go back but at that point it was too late, they would not take him without a 30 day residential treatment. So he travelled around for a while and eventually ended up in Denver (we live on the East Coast but he had been in treatment in CA). So he was homeless for 5 months and we had gotten to the point where we realized we absolutely could no longer rescue him, that we had to let him figure this out on his own and we let him be homeless. It was excruciating but also necessary as nothing else had worked.

In the last couple of years I have been going regularly to an alanon meeting for parents which has been a huge huge help and I highly recommend finding a similar group where you are. It was such a comfort to me to meet other nice good people who had kids in similar situations as I did... and in the process I learned not to enable him.

Finally about a month ago he had had enough and decided to go back to treatment and is there now. I have a friend who is an interventionist where he is and the plan is he will go to his sober house after his 30 days in residential. In the meantime he cannot come back to our state because of all the warrants for his arrest... he has a lot of work to do to clear all that up.

But it is his job to clear it up, not mine. I will say after being homeless, and whatever he went through he is no longer so entitled and even tells me he loves me back when I tell him I love him. I cant say we have a great relationship at this point but we have a relationship and he knows we love him and he is letting us know he loves us... that is huge progress.

So here are my thoughts, coming from my very direct experience.... and understand that I fully understand that you are also going through a process and it is a process to get to the point where you really let them fall and fall hard.

Don't pay any more court fees for him. It is your choice if you want to get him a lawyer (we have both done that, and not done that and I have contacted our lawyer to find out what he needs to do to eventually come back here). But the court fees should be for him to earn the money to pay or for him to do the community service.

The consequences the court gives may be just what he needs. I know two weeks in jail opened my sons eyes and he willingly went to rehab at that point to avoid more jail time. Of course he eventually got cocky and blew it all off but now is facing the fact that he will do jail time if eh comes back here without clearing things up. (Like paying his court costs and doing his community service). It absolutley broke my heart to see my son taken off to jail and although I felt it was necessary it was also one of my darkest moments... and got me to alanon. This past few months with him being homeless, I was in a much better place because I have come to some acceptance of the situation BUT I was fully aware I would rather have him in jail than literally on the streets (in winter no less).

I have come to believe a couple of things about rehab... first for some people it takes more than one stint in rehab to get what they need. Clearly the best situation is when some one really wants recovery, but I think time in rehab can still be beneficial... my son when he decided to go back into treatment at least knew what that meant, and this time also realized it was a whole lot better than being in on the street.

I have become a bit cynical about rehab as well.... and have come to feel that much more depends on the person than where or how they are getting treatment. Certainly there are better places than others... but my son has been at some very good places and relapsed.... he is now at the cheapest option as we are not willing any longer to invest in expensive treatment. So my recommendation is not to spend a lot of your resources on rehab... let him go where the court sends him.

Hang in there....go to court tomorrow if you want to, but you also dont have to. Think about what is going to be good for you.... at this point you need to think about what is right for you and the rest of your family.

It does your son no good at all to think he can live at home, breaking all of your (very reasonable) requests and rules. He does that out in the world and he will end up in prison.... we have that issue with my son. He either is going to figure it out or he will end up in prison.

I know his attitude and seeming hatred of you is very hard to bear as his mother.... just know this is the drug use talking and not necessarily real or long lasting. It may very well change as he gets help for himself. My sons attitude towards me has changed a lot... I understand the hurt of it, but it is a time to stay strong and to remember you have a long history and that will count for something eventually.

TL

 

[DDD]

Either I have lost my mind....or...my computer messed up. Just want you to know that I did type a reply to your thread welcoming you and letting you know that many of us have been there done that. Hugs DDD

 

[Wakegirl]

Thank you all so much!! I'm literally sitting here in tears reading what some of y'all have been through, and knowing that I have a long road ahead of me emotionally. That's my problem. I let my emotions get involved. This is my child. My only child. My flesh. It literally kills me every time I hear that this drug is going to end up killing him or landing him in prison for a very long time. Which is what I was told again today. How can it be? How did my sweet baby boy ever get off on the wrong track? Is it my fault? Is it because his father and I are divorced and his father hasn't had much impact on his life? How did this happen? Why does it have to be happening? He comes from your typical all American family, who eat dinner at the table together, go on summer vacations. No drug abuse or violence from any other family member. Why my son? These are the things I'm constantly asking myself. And now he's going to be a father, and can't even begin to take care of himself. Sigh. Sniff. Sigh....

I am going to court tomorrow. After meeting with his counselor, I did some research on the rehabs he recommended. The one I would like him to go to won't have an opening until the middle of next week. His prosecutor has been really good about working with me. So I'm going to ask him if we can postpone his court date until next Wednesday. I'll give him the letter from my sons counselor stating that he recommends residential treatment for difficult child, and explain that he won't be able to be admitted until next week. That way, we can appear in court next Wednesday, get the court ordered treatment from the judge, and then head straight to the rehab center. It will also prevent me from having to deal with his antics while anticipating leaving for treatment for a week. Am I making sense? My mind is like a blur right now. It's hard to think straight.

I went last week and got on an antidepressant. I was sick of waking up with an empty feeling in my stomach, and crying out of the blue. I'm definitely going to check on some al anon meetings.

So, while typing this, he walks in. He's lost the keys to his truck over the weekend and has done nothing about trying to find them. So I asked him how he was going to get to court tomorrow. I told him I would be going, and he
could ride with me. He immediately went ballistic. Screaming at me, saying he was an adult and he didn't need me there to add fuel to the fire. I calmly stated that his current counseling isn't helping, and the court needed to be made aware. He continued to yell and say that he has a baby on the way and he didn't need me telling him or anybody else what's good for him. He knows what he has to do. And that if I thought I was going to get him to go into some rehab, it would be a cold day in hell. He's screaming and cussing profusely the whole time. I'm a dumba$$. I've ruined his life. Etc. I said that's fine. He has a choice. Leave my house tonight, or I will be in court tomorrow. He scares me so bad when he acts this way. He almost looks like a demon in this angry state. I'm signing off for now to go and say a lot if prayers. It's all I have right now. Thank you for listening.

 

[buddie]

I know how you feel. I have done the court thing with my son. He was doing a lot of the same things as your son. We kicked him out because he was being verbally abusive and was hurting our animals. He was homeless for a couple of weeks then agreed to get help. He was in for 10 days and then the very next day he was arrested for begging for money. They called it 2nd degree attempted robbery. He was in jail for 6 weeks while the lawyer tried to figure out how to handle this.(Was nice knowing he was safe) They know he has a dual-diagnois. He is now at home. He has an appointment to see his probation officer next week and will be drug tested. He seems to think that pot is ok. I am not sure that is all he is taking. I am drug testing him tonight. I told him if it comes up positive that he will need to find somewhere else to live.

I am don't sleep well because I am always worried he is sneeking out to get in trouble. I can't watch him 24 hours a day... Thinking about putting into another program. He needs to reside at the facility. Going to call insurance tomorrow to see what's available. Any advice is appreciated. Am I doing the right things?

 

[BusynMember]

Well, my story is that my daughter quit using drugs and grew up after we threw her out and she was pretty far gone. We didn't pay for a car or insurance and I'm glad. She got into three serious accidents using friends cars, one that she was still paying for years after she quit using drugs. But it wasn't on our insurance, it was on hers. She actually managed to work and pay for her own stuff while on drugs, after we made her leave. We gave her many chances before we made her leave, but she blew them all and we had two young kids who were freaked out by her behavior and also when the cops would drop by.
Go to Al-Anon or Narc-Anon. Face-to-face help is soooooooooooo nice and such a relief. by the way, I thought my daughter would end up in jail or dead and instead she ended up going back to school on her dime and very productive. There is hope, but I think we as parents need to be tough or we make it too easy for our drug abusing kids to self-destruct. They just don't have an incentive to stop. Hugs!!!!

P.S.--you may want to tell your son that it doesn't take maturity or being an adult or even being human to reproduce. That isn't proof of maturity. I hope the mother has some common sense.

 

[Kathy813]

MWM, I think you should add that when you threw your daughter out you actually sent her to your adult son's home where she had to follow strict rules and got clean. I think you did the right thing but it is not the same as throwing your child out to the streets. The new posters don't know your backstory so I just wanted to clarify it for them.

buddie ~ welcome! Why don't you start your own thread and introduce yourself? We would love to get to know you and your story.

wakegirl ~ I think it is time to let the court take over and let your difficult child learn about life consequences. He is being abusive to you and you should not have to put up with that behavior. Whether he goes to jail or treatment is in his hands . . . either way he is out of your home and you don't have to live with abuse. I totally understand your feelings of how did things get this way. There is a saying in AlAnon that we use here a lot. We call it the three C's and I found it comforting when I first heard it: You didnt cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

Another saying we use is Let Go and Let God. I think you have reached that point.

{{{Hugs}}}

~Kathy

 

[Kathy813]

All of my friends have children successfully succeeding in life. Sigh.

Yes, that is hard but you might be surprised. When I opened up about our problems with difficult child it seemed like every family had a challenging family member whether it was was a child, sibling, or parent. I think there are very few perfect families out there.

In our case, we have a total easy child who graduated from college with honors and is currently in her second year of teaching high school math. She lives on her own and is very responsible with her finances. Both of our girls are our biological daughters who were raised with the same parents, same home, same schools, same rules, and same religious upbringing. One turned out to be a mentally ill addict and the other a easy child. I don't think you can blame parenting. I have come to firmly believe that there is a genetic reason for our difficult child's problems.

Hang in there wakegirl . . . there are better times ahead.

~Kathy

 

[rejectedmom]

Hello Wake girl and wlcome. I wrote you a long reply that just ened up in cyberspace somewhere. I am sorry that you are going through this and I too have been there done that. Detachment in the early stages is very hard and goes against all that a mom is programed to do when we are blessed witha tiny little life to care for. But your son is no longer an innocent that needs to be protected from himself. He needs to feel the consequences of his actions and addictions as many times as it takes for him to want to change. You have the very best consequence in that court ordered treatment. I was going to advise that you not tell him anything about your plan for court but I see that you already have. I firmly believe you need to follow through no mater what and if he is threatening you and won't leave your home then you leave until he is in program. We as parents do not and should not put ourselves in harms way no matter what the situation. A hotel or a friend can give one shelter in the hailstorm that can be our difficult children. My son got increasingly abusive while awaiting his court appearance a few years back and I ended up with broken ribs. I should have llet him just go and get int rouble but was so focused on him staying straight that I didn't take care of me. Be careful, do what you need to do to get him help but do not enable him or accept his abuse. -RM

 

[Kathy813]

Plus, when his license got suspended for his DUI, it was mandatory that he carry SR22 insurance for 3 years. There's one more year to go on that

What is SR22 insurance and who is paying for it?

~Kathy

 

[Wakegirl]

Hello Wake girl and wlcome. I wrote you a long reply that just ened up in cyberspace somewhere. I am sorry that you are going through this and I too have been there done that. Detachment in the early stages is very hard and goes against all that a mom is programed to do when we are blessed witha tiny little life to care for. But your son is no longer an innocent that needs to be protected from himself. He needs to feel the consequences of his actions and addictions as many times as it takes for him to want to change. You have the very best consequence in that court ordered treatment. I was going to advise that you not tell him anything about your plan for court but I see that you already have. I firmly believe you need to follow through no mater what and if he is threatening you and won't leave your home then you leave until he is in program. We as parents do not and should not put ourselves in harms way no matter what the situation. A hotel or a friend can give one shelter in the hailstorm that can be our difficult children. My son got increasingly abusive while awaiting his court appearance a few years back and I ended up with broken ribs. I should have llet him just go and get int rouble but was so focused on him staying straight that I didn't take care of me. Be careful, do what you need to do to get him help but do not enable him or accept his abuse. -RM

Thank you for your kind advice! I'm trying to make myself mad right now. Mad at how he not only treats me, but treats himself. You said it perfect when you said he was no longer an innocent that needed to be protected.

I never told him what was going to be taking place today in court. He just assumed, because he has been warned several times of my ability to get court ordered rehab. I'm gearing up, and starting to sweat a little. Court is in 3 hours.

I'm so sorry you had to experience physical abuse from your son. This all blows my mind. My heart goes out to anybody that has a difficult child to deal with.