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Newbie here! Desperate need of Help! Very Long Post!!
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 8442" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Becky, welcome to our world. You already belong!</p><p></p><p>As you will see by reading posts so far, we can all relate to your concerns.</p><p></p><p>You have a gem of a daughter, she is doing exactly the right thing in not hitting back. Praise her for it, but try to provide her with somewhere she can escape to.Tell her that there is something wrong, little brothers are not supposed to be like this, and you want to help him by finding out what he needs in order to learn some control.</p><p></p><p>Hitting him in response to this behaviour - it's tempting, it's the way a lot of us were brought up ("and it never did me any harm", we keep hearing) but if there's any chance of ODD or ODD-like behaviour, smacking is probably the worst thing you can do. it doesn't have any impact on them except to teach them that hitting is the way to get someone's attention. And he's already doing that.</p><p></p><p>Basically, he's not getting the message. Whatever discipline you're trying right now, it's not working. This DOES NOT mean you're a bad mother, only that with some kids we have to learn to think outside the square. You've clearly been able to get it right with your daughter, so you know how to be a good parent. But there is something wrong here, you're very right to be concerned.</p><p></p><p>Smacking - the point of it is, it sends a short, sharp message to the child who is repeatedly ignoring or not paying attention, to get their attention and also let them know they've done something wrong. It's not supposed to hurt but it often has to escalate to the point where it does, because some kids especially will become desensitised to it. And if the cats are clawing him that badly, then pain is not sending him any relevant messages, so smacking is not the way to work things for him.</p><p></p><p>Besides, if he learns that smacking is OK for you to do, he will be trying it back on you and these kids can be very strong and do a lot of damage.</p><p></p><p>Punishments only work if the child is misbehaving out of planned design. Impulse that can't be helped or controlled shouldn't be punished. Of course, there need to be consequences, because other people must be kept safe. But that's not the same thing. Natural consequences are what we ALL have to deal with in our own lives. For example, if he hurts the cats, they will scratch him. If he keeps hurting the cats, they will be sent to live somewhere else and no pets will replace them until you know they can be safe. This isn't punishment, it's you trying to keep the cats safe (maybe the cats need their refuge from him as well? An outdoor caged cat run?). You also need to be the guardian to try to head off what problems you can, to help him learn that there IS control available and you will help him find it. You need to become his helper, not his barrier. He needs to be helped to see you (and your partner) in this light. </p><p></p><p>ODD, in my experience, rarely shows up in a kid this age as a stand-alone disorder. It generally is the result of a constellation of other problems. Get to the bottom of the other problems, find a different way to parent this particular child, and you can at least improve things.</p><p></p><p>I STRONGLY urge you to get your hands, fast, on a copy of "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. Grab one from the library. Check out the website. Read posts on the Early Childhood forum which are dealing with it. I don't buy every book recommended, I wouldn't even buy one in ten. But this book, I bought. It lives beside my bed. It's not a cure-all, because it doesn't cure anything in the child. What it DOES do is give us a more specific parenting attitude to our particular situation. There is no guilt, no blame, merely an acceptance that some kids simply can't function without a different way of managing them. With these kids, you have to throw out just about all other guide books on raising children. Forget Dr Spock, forget Dr Chris Green (Aussie Dr Spock), Ross Greene's book helps you find your own way, which is what seems to work the best. It also takes a lot of the heat out of parenting a difficult child.</p><p></p><p>As for evaluation at this age - yes, it can be done. And frankly, if a child is that much of a problem at 3, then waiting another two years (a very long time in the life of a child that young) is reprehensible. Does he have any language issues? OK, he may be talking OK, sounding out words and repeating what other people say, but there's a lot more to language development than that. And a child with language problems who does not receive early intervention can be held back in his development. Not good. At the very least, the paed should have referred him for a speech and language assessment. If he tests out OK - great. Tick that off the list. But it should have already been done, as a matter of course. Knowing his language status NOW could be vital later on. Not knowing - some questions can never be satisfactorily answered.</p><p></p><p>With the paediatrician - he needs to be convinced. Can you videotape your son? Can you trigger a reaction in the consulting room? And if the paed is still not convinced, throw your own tantrum. Tell him you need to know, one way or the other, because if this kid IS normal then you need some urgent parenting support, yourself. And since you've got this far with your daughter and SHE doesn't do this sort of stuff, then you clearly need to be taught how to parent active, difficult little boys. Tell him you MUST have it independently confirmed that there is nothing wrong with him, so you can get on with your job as a mum without worrying so much. And ask him if he would adopt your cats, which can't take any more terrorising from this 'normal' little boy. basically, if you make yourself really inconvenient to the paed, he will organise testing just to get you off his back (and not have to adopt your cats).</p><p></p><p>Boys ARE different to girls, but not THAT different. The food refusal on the basis of texture - sounds like Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) to me (sensory integration disorder) which is part of a number of other conditions, including autism (which we know very well, in our household). Boys his age should be eating just about anything they can lay their hands on. From our situation - we give way to the food problems. Better to not have him lose the weight, there's no point making a point, if you know what I mean. Feed him as healthy a diet as you can, within the limitations of his taste and texture issues. My difficult child 3, for example, won't eat anything with a creamy texture. Plain cake is OK, frosting and cream is out. So most party cakes - he won't eat them. He WILL eat salads (will help himself to vegetables from the fridge) and lives on instant noodles. I cook rissoles and sausages and leave them on a plate in the fridge, for him to help himself. Then I have to remind him to eat. But by giving him choice, he eats more from the selection I have provided. If he snacks heavily on sausage and salad at 5 pm and then won't eat his dinner, I don't care. He's eaten well enough anyway. I might feed him a bit more before bedtime, though, to give him the best chance of sleeping longer. A hungry kid will wake sooner, eat something, then go back to sleep. if that works for you for now, do it. If you feed him as much as you can get him to eat in the evening, and he still wakes at 5 am, feed him when he wakes then see if you can get him back to bed. If this works for you. Basically, whatever works to help him be a nicer kid to know, is what is going to work in other parts of your life too.</p><p></p><p>A young friend of ours (very easy child) was diagnosed with muscular dystrophy at age 3. She was very thin, very frail and often too tired to eat. her parents were shovelling calories into her as best as they could Their usual parenting methods went out the window - no more having to sit at table for the entire meal (she would fall asleep in her bowl, from exhaustion) but instead, they would feed her through the entire day, following her around with food she could eat easily without it tiring her too much. Popcorn was really good. They would make buttered popcorn and keep the supplies up to all the kids in the house, while watching to make sure she got enough too. Slices of sandwich meat, potatoes, bread, flavoured milk - it all kept her going. And it paid off - despite being told she wouldn't make it to her teens, she's now living away from home studying at university, and has asked her parents to sell her wheelchair. She still has muscular dystrophy but has enough strength to be walking, at age 20. Her parents helped her by learning that it's OK to change the rules to suit your child's needs. It's not spoiling them - it's saving them. And you.</p><p></p><p>To further raise the issue of assessment NOW with the paediatrician, do the informal (not officially diagnostic) online Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) questionnaire found through <a href="http://www.childbrain.com." target="_blank">www.childbrain.com.</a> You plug in your answers to the questions (there is a really good guide on exactly how to score the test) then print the results. Take it to the doctor, show it to him and this will help him see the areas which are really concerning you. He should take it from there.</p><p></p><p>If this doesn't work, do as MWM suggested and get him assessed through the hospital system. In fact, while you're waiting to convince the paediatrician, book your appointments now. If your public assessment system is anything like ours, he should manage to get in to be seen by the time he is 5!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 8442, member: 1991"] Becky, welcome to our world. You already belong! As you will see by reading posts so far, we can all relate to your concerns. You have a gem of a daughter, she is doing exactly the right thing in not hitting back. Praise her for it, but try to provide her with somewhere she can escape to.Tell her that there is something wrong, little brothers are not supposed to be like this, and you want to help him by finding out what he needs in order to learn some control. Hitting him in response to this behaviour - it's tempting, it's the way a lot of us were brought up ("and it never did me any harm", we keep hearing) but if there's any chance of ODD or ODD-like behaviour, smacking is probably the worst thing you can do. it doesn't have any impact on them except to teach them that hitting is the way to get someone's attention. And he's already doing that. Basically, he's not getting the message. Whatever discipline you're trying right now, it's not working. This DOES NOT mean you're a bad mother, only that with some kids we have to learn to think outside the square. You've clearly been able to get it right with your daughter, so you know how to be a good parent. But there is something wrong here, you're very right to be concerned. Smacking - the point of it is, it sends a short, sharp message to the child who is repeatedly ignoring or not paying attention, to get their attention and also let them know they've done something wrong. It's not supposed to hurt but it often has to escalate to the point where it does, because some kids especially will become desensitised to it. And if the cats are clawing him that badly, then pain is not sending him any relevant messages, so smacking is not the way to work things for him. Besides, if he learns that smacking is OK for you to do, he will be trying it back on you and these kids can be very strong and do a lot of damage. Punishments only work if the child is misbehaving out of planned design. Impulse that can't be helped or controlled shouldn't be punished. Of course, there need to be consequences, because other people must be kept safe. But that's not the same thing. Natural consequences are what we ALL have to deal with in our own lives. For example, if he hurts the cats, they will scratch him. If he keeps hurting the cats, they will be sent to live somewhere else and no pets will replace them until you know they can be safe. This isn't punishment, it's you trying to keep the cats safe (maybe the cats need their refuge from him as well? An outdoor caged cat run?). You also need to be the guardian to try to head off what problems you can, to help him learn that there IS control available and you will help him find it. You need to become his helper, not his barrier. He needs to be helped to see you (and your partner) in this light. ODD, in my experience, rarely shows up in a kid this age as a stand-alone disorder. It generally is the result of a constellation of other problems. Get to the bottom of the other problems, find a different way to parent this particular child, and you can at least improve things. I STRONGLY urge you to get your hands, fast, on a copy of "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. Grab one from the library. Check out the website. Read posts on the Early Childhood forum which are dealing with it. I don't buy every book recommended, I wouldn't even buy one in ten. But this book, I bought. It lives beside my bed. It's not a cure-all, because it doesn't cure anything in the child. What it DOES do is give us a more specific parenting attitude to our particular situation. There is no guilt, no blame, merely an acceptance that some kids simply can't function without a different way of managing them. With these kids, you have to throw out just about all other guide books on raising children. Forget Dr Spock, forget Dr Chris Green (Aussie Dr Spock), Ross Greene's book helps you find your own way, which is what seems to work the best. It also takes a lot of the heat out of parenting a difficult child. As for evaluation at this age - yes, it can be done. And frankly, if a child is that much of a problem at 3, then waiting another two years (a very long time in the life of a child that young) is reprehensible. Does he have any language issues? OK, he may be talking OK, sounding out words and repeating what other people say, but there's a lot more to language development than that. And a child with language problems who does not receive early intervention can be held back in his development. Not good. At the very least, the paed should have referred him for a speech and language assessment. If he tests out OK - great. Tick that off the list. But it should have already been done, as a matter of course. Knowing his language status NOW could be vital later on. Not knowing - some questions can never be satisfactorily answered. With the paediatrician - he needs to be convinced. Can you videotape your son? Can you trigger a reaction in the consulting room? And if the paed is still not convinced, throw your own tantrum. Tell him you need to know, one way or the other, because if this kid IS normal then you need some urgent parenting support, yourself. And since you've got this far with your daughter and SHE doesn't do this sort of stuff, then you clearly need to be taught how to parent active, difficult little boys. Tell him you MUST have it independently confirmed that there is nothing wrong with him, so you can get on with your job as a mum without worrying so much. And ask him if he would adopt your cats, which can't take any more terrorising from this 'normal' little boy. basically, if you make yourself really inconvenient to the paed, he will organise testing just to get you off his back (and not have to adopt your cats). Boys ARE different to girls, but not THAT different. The food refusal on the basis of texture - sounds like Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) to me (sensory integration disorder) which is part of a number of other conditions, including autism (which we know very well, in our household). Boys his age should be eating just about anything they can lay their hands on. From our situation - we give way to the food problems. Better to not have him lose the weight, there's no point making a point, if you know what I mean. Feed him as healthy a diet as you can, within the limitations of his taste and texture issues. My difficult child 3, for example, won't eat anything with a creamy texture. Plain cake is OK, frosting and cream is out. So most party cakes - he won't eat them. He WILL eat salads (will help himself to vegetables from the fridge) and lives on instant noodles. I cook rissoles and sausages and leave them on a plate in the fridge, for him to help himself. Then I have to remind him to eat. But by giving him choice, he eats more from the selection I have provided. If he snacks heavily on sausage and salad at 5 pm and then won't eat his dinner, I don't care. He's eaten well enough anyway. I might feed him a bit more before bedtime, though, to give him the best chance of sleeping longer. A hungry kid will wake sooner, eat something, then go back to sleep. if that works for you for now, do it. If you feed him as much as you can get him to eat in the evening, and he still wakes at 5 am, feed him when he wakes then see if you can get him back to bed. If this works for you. Basically, whatever works to help him be a nicer kid to know, is what is going to work in other parts of your life too. A young friend of ours (very easy child) was diagnosed with muscular dystrophy at age 3. She was very thin, very frail and often too tired to eat. her parents were shovelling calories into her as best as they could Their usual parenting methods went out the window - no more having to sit at table for the entire meal (she would fall asleep in her bowl, from exhaustion) but instead, they would feed her through the entire day, following her around with food she could eat easily without it tiring her too much. Popcorn was really good. They would make buttered popcorn and keep the supplies up to all the kids in the house, while watching to make sure she got enough too. Slices of sandwich meat, potatoes, bread, flavoured milk - it all kept her going. And it paid off - despite being told she wouldn't make it to her teens, she's now living away from home studying at university, and has asked her parents to sell her wheelchair. She still has muscular dystrophy but has enough strength to be walking, at age 20. Her parents helped her by learning that it's OK to change the rules to suit your child's needs. It's not spoiling them - it's saving them. And you. To further raise the issue of assessment NOW with the paediatrician, do the informal (not officially diagnostic) online Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) questionnaire found through [url="http://www.childbrain.com."]www.childbrain.com.[/url] You plug in your answers to the questions (there is a really good guide on exactly how to score the test) then print the results. Take it to the doctor, show it to him and this will help him see the areas which are really concerning you. He should take it from there. If this doesn't work, do as MWM suggested and get him assessed through the hospital system. In fact, while you're waiting to convince the paediatrician, book your appointments now. If your public assessment system is anything like ours, he should manage to get in to be seen by the time he is 5! Marg [/QUOTE]
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