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newbie seeking advice on dealing with sons behaviors
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 614732" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Welcome to the site, Freakchick39. I know how painful this time is for you, and I am so glad you found us. As you post your stories and listen and respond to ours, you will find your way, too.</p><p></p><p>In that you have found and even, led groups for other parents, it sounds like you are a dedicated, loving mom who is pretty savvy about what is out there and available for you and your son. If you haven't already, I think you need to seek out those kinds of resources for yourself, now. Raising kids like ours is a thankless, draining, seemingly endless thing of so little joy. Where other parents can work hard and see something so good come to fruition, parents of really troubled kids work even harder, and see nothing in return. The child is still troubled, the problems are still insurmountable, we are still the responsible adult in the equation, we are still expected to pull a miracle out of an empty hat. It is so hard to regain a healthy sense of self, so hard to believe, to hope that the next day will be better. </p><p></p><p>I know that is not what you want to hear, Freakchick. I didn't want that, either. I wanted to know how to have what I see all the other parents having ~ educated, respectful, happy kids who love me to distraction and are doing well in the world. I don't have that, Freakchick. But what I do have is this site, where I am learning a way to survive those losses and reclaim the right to my own life. </p><p></p><p>For me, that is what my journey has been. Learning how to know when I have done all I can for my kids, learning how to focus on and take care of myself, learning to establish boundaries, learning to be grateful for my own life, learning to be truly grateful for all that I still have. (I wanted to say? "Grateful for whatever is left, though it doesn't look like much from here, and is the polar opposite of what I wanted and worked so hard for. It is what it is and if I want to get through this, I have to choose who and how I am going to be from here on in.") </p><p></p><p>I am trying to be supportive here, so I won't say that.</p><p></p><p>:O) </p><p></p><p>Actually, that was an attempt at humor. It may have fallen flat. I am at that part of my journey where I am acknowledging so much of the anger I have been stuffing for all these years. It comes out in the strangest ways, and leaves me feeling so deflated, afterwords. It would have been better for me, and maybe, better for my kids, too, if I had learned that skillset we call "detachment" sooner. I was so focused on the kids....</p><p></p><p>You are still young enough to do that, Freakchick. </p><p></p><p>I wasted so many of the years of my life focused on grief and pain and loss and frustration. I look back on it now...too late to change that. Too late to change anything, really. If I had known back then that, no matter what I did, it was going to turn out this way?</p><p></p><p>I probably still would have done what I did. We do our best, always, right?</p><p></p><p>******</p><p></p><p>Here are some things I've found helpful, Freakchick. Know that I wish you well, that I am sending you strength and a sense of peace and certainty, this morning. I am sorry this is happening to you, and to your son. It is so unfair, isn't it. </p><p></p><p>Others of us, hopefully with a more cheerful outlook than I have been able to manage this morning, will be along shortly.</p><p></p><p>NAMI is a nation-wide organization offering support for the families of those experiencing mental health issues. Registration is free. NAMI offers weekly support groups for parents, and even, classes in understanding how to cope with living with a troubled child in your life. There are also support groups available for the troubled person himself. There are Parent to Parent classes offered there. They are free, and I keep meaning to take them. We go back and forth with the seasons, and I am just missing the deadlines every time. </p><p></p><p>You might call Social Services or your local crisis center to learn whether there is any help for your son now, as an adult. Maybe a Group Home?</p><p></p><p>The Serenity Prayer. A wise someone here on the site posted this to me once, and told me to read and reread it until I got it. Even if you think you know it, Freakchick, read and reread it, this morning. You will find a measure of comfort, there. Repeat it in the night, when you wake up and cannot sleep. There is something in the rhythmic repetition of those words that is soothing, that breaks that chain of worry and allows us to rest.</p><p></p><p>God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,</p><p>The Courage to change the things I can,</p><p>And the Wisdom to know the difference.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 614732, member: 17461"] Welcome to the site, Freakchick39. I know how painful this time is for you, and I am so glad you found us. As you post your stories and listen and respond to ours, you will find your way, too. In that you have found and even, led groups for other parents, it sounds like you are a dedicated, loving mom who is pretty savvy about what is out there and available for you and your son. If you haven't already, I think you need to seek out those kinds of resources for yourself, now. Raising kids like ours is a thankless, draining, seemingly endless thing of so little joy. Where other parents can work hard and see something so good come to fruition, parents of really troubled kids work even harder, and see nothing in return. The child is still troubled, the problems are still insurmountable, we are still the responsible adult in the equation, we are still expected to pull a miracle out of an empty hat. It is so hard to regain a healthy sense of self, so hard to believe, to hope that the next day will be better. I know that is not what you want to hear, Freakchick. I didn't want that, either. I wanted to know how to have what I see all the other parents having ~ educated, respectful, happy kids who love me to distraction and are doing well in the world. I don't have that, Freakchick. But what I do have is this site, where I am learning a way to survive those losses and reclaim the right to my own life. For me, that is what my journey has been. Learning how to know when I have done all I can for my kids, learning how to focus on and take care of myself, learning to establish boundaries, learning to be grateful for my own life, learning to be truly grateful for all that I still have. (I wanted to say? "Grateful for whatever is left, though it doesn't look like much from here, and is the polar opposite of what I wanted and worked so hard for. It is what it is and if I want to get through this, I have to choose who and how I am going to be from here on in.") I am trying to be supportive here, so I won't say that. :O) Actually, that was an attempt at humor. It may have fallen flat. I am at that part of my journey where I am acknowledging so much of the anger I have been stuffing for all these years. It comes out in the strangest ways, and leaves me feeling so deflated, afterwords. It would have been better for me, and maybe, better for my kids, too, if I had learned that skillset we call "detachment" sooner. I was so focused on the kids.... You are still young enough to do that, Freakchick. I wasted so many of the years of my life focused on grief and pain and loss and frustration. I look back on it now...too late to change that. Too late to change anything, really. If I had known back then that, no matter what I did, it was going to turn out this way? I probably still would have done what I did. We do our best, always, right? ****** Here are some things I've found helpful, Freakchick. Know that I wish you well, that I am sending you strength and a sense of peace and certainty, this morning. I am sorry this is happening to you, and to your son. It is so unfair, isn't it. Others of us, hopefully with a more cheerful outlook than I have been able to manage this morning, will be along shortly. NAMI is a nation-wide organization offering support for the families of those experiencing mental health issues. Registration is free. NAMI offers weekly support groups for parents, and even, classes in understanding how to cope with living with a troubled child in your life. There are also support groups available for the troubled person himself. There are Parent to Parent classes offered there. They are free, and I keep meaning to take them. We go back and forth with the seasons, and I am just missing the deadlines every time. You might call Social Services or your local crisis center to learn whether there is any help for your son now, as an adult. Maybe a Group Home? The Serenity Prayer. A wise someone here on the site posted this to me once, and told me to read and reread it until I got it. Even if you think you know it, Freakchick, read and reread it, this morning. You will find a measure of comfort, there. Repeat it in the night, when you wake up and cannot sleep. There is something in the rhythmic repetition of those words that is soothing, that breaks that chain of worry and allows us to rest. God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The Courage to change the things I can, And the Wisdom to know the difference. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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