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newbie seeking advice on dealing with sons behaviors
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 614738" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welcome Freakchick39. I am so sorry you find your self in the situation with your son. You've stumbled in to a group of weary but dedicated parents who've been in similar shoes. Scent of Cedar has given you excellent advice and resources. </p><p></p><p>You may want to read the article at the bottom of my post here on detachment. I think the most important thing for any of us here to remember is that we FIRST have to take care of US. It is easy and unfortunate that after many years of dealing with our troubled kids, we lose sight of what our needs are and how to take care of ourselves. If you can't make it to a NAMI class or get out to go to therapy or some kind of supportive atmosphere like a 12 step group or family anonymous or a parent group then in my opinion, you will need to develop a very clear set of ways to be nurturing, kind, supportive and loving to YOU. In addition to that, because your son won't get any help for himself at all, it puts you in a pretty difficult spot. You either continue as you are, or you have to take some drastic steps.</p><p></p><p>NAMI can usually assist in getting the kids on SSI and gather resources for the adult kids while they support the parents. I'm not clear you can do this without your sons involvement, is there some way you can convince him of the necessity for him to receive some benefits so that the burden of his support is not totally on you? Social Services can do this too, but NAMI has the resources to help with kids who have the mental illness diagnosis. </p><p></p><p>If your son outright refuses any and all help then in the big picture, your choices are limited. As an adult he can make whatever choices he likes regardless of how it may harm and deplete you. The only real choice you end up with is how you are going to respond to him. You're in a hard place. For all of us, the most difficult thing we've had to do is to learn how to detach from our kids and their choices. I'm not sure the appropriate choice for you at this point is to ask your son to leave, however, you do need to set some strict boundaries that have consequences, he cannot continue treating you with disrespect and smoking pot in your home. </p><p></p><p>Often in order for us to change, we need an outside professional, or someone outside of the circumstances to keep telling us the truth and guiding us to new behaviors which can lead to real change. If you have a deep commitment to change this situation, perhaps with online support you can make choices which will help you.....................it's just going to be challenging if you can't get out of the house and your resources are limited. Your son is in essence holding you hostage with his behaviors and over time that just becomes your normal. You have to step out of that place to see it for what it is and make changes. What that entails is boundaries and consequences. Without any commitment on his part to change, all of the changing is going to have to come from you. Most of us need some professional support to make those changes because it is so hard on us, so I am not sure how to support you to make those changes if you can't get out of the house. </p><p></p><p>Keep posting, that helps us a lot. Perhaps over time as you tell us your story, possible resources will emerge that will point you in a healthier direction and give you the support necessary to stop enabling your son and start living a healthier lifestyle which is kind and comfortable for you. I am sorry you are in this place, you deserve to have a peaceful and loving atmosphere in your home. Sending you good thoughts..........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 614738, member: 13542"] Welcome Freakchick39. I am so sorry you find your self in the situation with your son. You've stumbled in to a group of weary but dedicated parents who've been in similar shoes. Scent of Cedar has given you excellent advice and resources. You may want to read the article at the bottom of my post here on detachment. I think the most important thing for any of us here to remember is that we FIRST have to take care of US. It is easy and unfortunate that after many years of dealing with our troubled kids, we lose sight of what our needs are and how to take care of ourselves. If you can't make it to a NAMI class or get out to go to therapy or some kind of supportive atmosphere like a 12 step group or family anonymous or a parent group then in my opinion, you will need to develop a very clear set of ways to be nurturing, kind, supportive and loving to YOU. In addition to that, because your son won't get any help for himself at all, it puts you in a pretty difficult spot. You either continue as you are, or you have to take some drastic steps. NAMI can usually assist in getting the kids on SSI and gather resources for the adult kids while they support the parents. I'm not clear you can do this without your sons involvement, is there some way you can convince him of the necessity for him to receive some benefits so that the burden of his support is not totally on you? Social Services can do this too, but NAMI has the resources to help with kids who have the mental illness diagnosis. If your son outright refuses any and all help then in the big picture, your choices are limited. As an adult he can make whatever choices he likes regardless of how it may harm and deplete you. The only real choice you end up with is how you are going to respond to him. You're in a hard place. For all of us, the most difficult thing we've had to do is to learn how to detach from our kids and their choices. I'm not sure the appropriate choice for you at this point is to ask your son to leave, however, you do need to set some strict boundaries that have consequences, he cannot continue treating you with disrespect and smoking pot in your home. Often in order for us to change, we need an outside professional, or someone outside of the circumstances to keep telling us the truth and guiding us to new behaviors which can lead to real change. If you have a deep commitment to change this situation, perhaps with online support you can make choices which will help you.....................it's just going to be challenging if you can't get out of the house and your resources are limited. Your son is in essence holding you hostage with his behaviors and over time that just becomes your normal. You have to step out of that place to see it for what it is and make changes. What that entails is boundaries and consequences. Without any commitment on his part to change, all of the changing is going to have to come from you. Most of us need some professional support to make those changes because it is so hard on us, so I am not sure how to support you to make those changes if you can't get out of the house. Keep posting, that helps us a lot. Perhaps over time as you tell us your story, possible resources will emerge that will point you in a healthier direction and give you the support necessary to stop enabling your son and start living a healthier lifestyle which is kind and comfortable for you. I am sorry you are in this place, you deserve to have a peaceful and loving atmosphere in your home. Sending you good thoughts.......... [/QUOTE]
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