Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
newbie seeking advice on dealing with sons behaviors
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 614742" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I don't know for sure how you should handle all of this. Because you are alone, without support and living with an unstable 6'2 male, it is a dicey situation for sure. Perhaps the first step would be for you to really think through what it is you want, what you can live with and what you can't and what is a deal breaker. I would think hurting you is a deal breaker along with destruction of furniture. The rest is respect for you, never hurting the dog, respect for your belongings, a job to help pay for your home and food, chores if there is no job, no smoking pot in the house, those kinds of things. Make a list, what you want, what you are willing to deal with, what you do not want, what you are not willing to put up with.</p><p></p><p>Look into what the eviction laws in your state are. They vary in all states even if it is your son you are evicting you may have to give notice. Find out about restraining orders and what that entails in your state. Look into the legal ramifications of possession of pot. When you finish figuring out all of that, make a plan and write a contract. There are certain lines he cannot cross, like hitting you, hurting the dog, destroying property and using drugs in your home. Explain to him that you have looked into eviction and if he crosses those severe lines, eviction is the consequence. Look into shelters in your area. Let him know that the shelter is the next step once he crosses those lines. But have all your ducks in order so you know EXACTLY what you are talking about. You need a plan of action.</p><p></p><p>The thing with consequences is that you HAVE TO FOLLOW THROUGH. Or they are meaningless and in fact give more power to the offender if you don't follow through.</p><p></p><p>The next part of your list should include what you want and what you do not want, he needs a job. He will have to go out every day for a certain amount of time each day in the pursuit of a job. Etc. Do you want him to help around the house? Then include that. You have to figure out what YOU want, not what you can put up with with his behaviors, that's where you are now.</p><p></p><p>This is going to be a process for you because you and he are in an unhealthy dynamic. The power however is all yours, but only if you stop enabling him and provide consequences. I do believe people can be trained into healthier behavior but the training is rigorous on US. You giving in because it's easier is certainly understandable, we all do that to some degree, but that has to stop in order for change to happen and you have to develop some real strength, courage and commitment to make the necessary changes.</p><p></p><p>I applaud you for your desire to change, it's difficult, but you can do it if you make it clear first to yourself and then to him, what you are NOT willing to put up with. Those boundaries are crucial.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 614742, member: 13542"] I don't know for sure how you should handle all of this. Because you are alone, without support and living with an unstable 6'2 male, it is a dicey situation for sure. Perhaps the first step would be for you to really think through what it is you want, what you can live with and what you can't and what is a deal breaker. I would think hurting you is a deal breaker along with destruction of furniture. The rest is respect for you, never hurting the dog, respect for your belongings, a job to help pay for your home and food, chores if there is no job, no smoking pot in the house, those kinds of things. Make a list, what you want, what you are willing to deal with, what you do not want, what you are not willing to put up with. Look into what the eviction laws in your state are. They vary in all states even if it is your son you are evicting you may have to give notice. Find out about restraining orders and what that entails in your state. Look into the legal ramifications of possession of pot. When you finish figuring out all of that, make a plan and write a contract. There are certain lines he cannot cross, like hitting you, hurting the dog, destroying property and using drugs in your home. Explain to him that you have looked into eviction and if he crosses those severe lines, eviction is the consequence. Look into shelters in your area. Let him know that the shelter is the next step once he crosses those lines. But have all your ducks in order so you know EXACTLY what you are talking about. You need a plan of action. The thing with consequences is that you HAVE TO FOLLOW THROUGH. Or they are meaningless and in fact give more power to the offender if you don't follow through. The next part of your list should include what you want and what you do not want, he needs a job. He will have to go out every day for a certain amount of time each day in the pursuit of a job. Etc. Do you want him to help around the house? Then include that. You have to figure out what YOU want, not what you can put up with with his behaviors, that's where you are now. This is going to be a process for you because you and he are in an unhealthy dynamic. The power however is all yours, but only if you stop enabling him and provide consequences. I do believe people can be trained into healthier behavior but the training is rigorous on US. You giving in because it's easier is certainly understandable, we all do that to some degree, but that has to stop in order for change to happen and you have to develop some real strength, courage and commitment to make the necessary changes. I applaud you for your desire to change, it's difficult, but you can do it if you make it clear first to yourself and then to him, what you are NOT willing to put up with. Those boundaries are crucial. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
newbie seeking advice on dealing with sons behaviors
Top