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newbie seeking advice on dealing with sons behaviors
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 614825" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi there, hon. First of all, I want to congratulate Recovering Enabler, who I feel is absolutely one of our kindest and most articulate posters, on becoming a moderator. Such a great decision by the CD staff. </p><p></p><p>Ok, now back to your son.</p><p></p><p>It is very hard to have adult children like this. I have a 36 year old who has never been a nice kid. It took me a long time to become a mother too and he was also my precious baby who was a dream baby for 15 mo. until signs of his seemingly inherent meanness started to come out and then I just hoped it would be gone by adulthood. It didn't go away.</p><p></p><p>Like your son, my son has mental illnesses. I'm sure he has some mood disorder and he has extremely bad anxiety disorder and panic attacks and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) that was so severe he had to drop out of college because all he did was count the words that his professors said. He was on SSD for a few years too. But, behind the sickness, was still a pretty mean person. And it wasn't because of his mood disorder. One can have a mood disorder, and still be nice. The very first thing I'd do is to rehome that dog. I'm an animal lover and your son is doing something that is a really big red flag for possible personality disorders...he is cruel to this poor innocent creature. Don't feel alone. I've seen my son toss a cat into the wall and kick the cat. Broke my heart. If he had been living with me, I would have thrown him out for that alone, but he has always managed to hold a job and have his own place (thank goodness. He could not live with me anymore).</p><p></p><p>Your son reminds me a lot of my son. My son doesn't smoke pot, never has, but he drinks too much. I'd call him a functional alcoholic. I've never seen him within the past ten years when he doesn't have a beer in his hand. Now I don't see him that often, but...each time? This son has been given every chance to achieve in life including a God given high IQ and the ability to sleep through classes and still remember everything he heard. But his mental health issues took care of that. His nastiness doesn't help. He does not have a large network of friends.</p><p></p><p>My son, while living with both me and later his father (we are divorced), has gotten extremely verbally aggressive with me and his father and has shoved his father and slapped me across the face once. He was a minor when he slapped me or he would have been gone then, but it would not have been easy because I loved him so much. I still do. </p><p></p><p>I believe my son has narcissistic personality disorder on top his mood and anxiety problems. But no matter what labels he has, that does not give him the right to be cruel and dangerous to his family. He can't kick cats in front of me. In fact, I better not know about it. He can't be sexual even suggestively around his sister (long story...he has siblings and none of them can tolerate him for very good reasons). He can't swear at me non-stop, get into my space, scream in my face or put a hole in the wall. I was taught in therapy that even though he is not hitting me or actually sexually acting out on Sis, what he is doing is violence and scares people. </p><p></p><p>My son has been in therapy since he was eight years old. Now he isn't because he says he can't afford it (he makes three times what we make) and we are just too poor to even consider sending him any money, not that we would. </p><p></p><p>Every day I thank God for my three loving children. We adopted after I gave birth to 36, and the other kids are angels (not that they always were, but they are good kids now). They have loving hearts. 36 seems to be missing the empathy gene and the world revolves around him. He is 36 going on six at times, which is scary because he has 50% custody of his five year old son. So far he has been good to his son, but I'm not dumb. I know that he could turn on him when the kid gets older and maybe starts to assert himself. </p><p></p><p>I have no answers for you. I think Recovering Enabler and Scent of Cedar gave you excellent advice. I just kind of wanted to say...hey, I understand. My son lives two states away from me right now and he can't leave because his son is there. Plus he is very phobic about driving. Because my son has been verbally aggressive, threatening to shoot me a few times, I am glad he can't travel and I won't go see him on my own (and nobody else wants to go with me...lol). Do I think he could shoot me? I don't think he'd plan to kill anyone. But in a rage I'm not sure what he would do. He has never shot a gun. I'm glad he never got into guns, even hunting. He wouldn't be safe.</p><p></p><p>Lots and lots of hugs and good wishes for your hurting mommy heart.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 614825, member: 1550"] Hi there, hon. First of all, I want to congratulate Recovering Enabler, who I feel is absolutely one of our kindest and most articulate posters, on becoming a moderator. Such a great decision by the CD staff. Ok, now back to your son. It is very hard to have adult children like this. I have a 36 year old who has never been a nice kid. It took me a long time to become a mother too and he was also my precious baby who was a dream baby for 15 mo. until signs of his seemingly inherent meanness started to come out and then I just hoped it would be gone by adulthood. It didn't go away. Like your son, my son has mental illnesses. I'm sure he has some mood disorder and he has extremely bad anxiety disorder and panic attacks and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) that was so severe he had to drop out of college because all he did was count the words that his professors said. He was on SSD for a few years too. But, behind the sickness, was still a pretty mean person. And it wasn't because of his mood disorder. One can have a mood disorder, and still be nice. The very first thing I'd do is to rehome that dog. I'm an animal lover and your son is doing something that is a really big red flag for possible personality disorders...he is cruel to this poor innocent creature. Don't feel alone. I've seen my son toss a cat into the wall and kick the cat. Broke my heart. If he had been living with me, I would have thrown him out for that alone, but he has always managed to hold a job and have his own place (thank goodness. He could not live with me anymore). Your son reminds me a lot of my son. My son doesn't smoke pot, never has, but he drinks too much. I'd call him a functional alcoholic. I've never seen him within the past ten years when he doesn't have a beer in his hand. Now I don't see him that often, but...each time? This son has been given every chance to achieve in life including a God given high IQ and the ability to sleep through classes and still remember everything he heard. But his mental health issues took care of that. His nastiness doesn't help. He does not have a large network of friends. My son, while living with both me and later his father (we are divorced), has gotten extremely verbally aggressive with me and his father and has shoved his father and slapped me across the face once. He was a minor when he slapped me or he would have been gone then, but it would not have been easy because I loved him so much. I still do. I believe my son has narcissistic personality disorder on top his mood and anxiety problems. But no matter what labels he has, that does not give him the right to be cruel and dangerous to his family. He can't kick cats in front of me. In fact, I better not know about it. He can't be sexual even suggestively around his sister (long story...he has siblings and none of them can tolerate him for very good reasons). He can't swear at me non-stop, get into my space, scream in my face or put a hole in the wall. I was taught in therapy that even though he is not hitting me or actually sexually acting out on Sis, what he is doing is violence and scares people. My son has been in therapy since he was eight years old. Now he isn't because he says he can't afford it (he makes three times what we make) and we are just too poor to even consider sending him any money, not that we would. Every day I thank God for my three loving children. We adopted after I gave birth to 36, and the other kids are angels (not that they always were, but they are good kids now). They have loving hearts. 36 seems to be missing the empathy gene and the world revolves around him. He is 36 going on six at times, which is scary because he has 50% custody of his five year old son. So far he has been good to his son, but I'm not dumb. I know that he could turn on him when the kid gets older and maybe starts to assert himself. I have no answers for you. I think Recovering Enabler and Scent of Cedar gave you excellent advice. I just kind of wanted to say...hey, I understand. My son lives two states away from me right now and he can't leave because his son is there. Plus he is very phobic about driving. Because my son has been verbally aggressive, threatening to shoot me a few times, I am glad he can't travel and I won't go see him on my own (and nobody else wants to go with me...lol). Do I think he could shoot me? I don't think he'd plan to kill anyone. But in a rage I'm not sure what he would do. He has never shot a gun. I'm glad he never got into guns, even hunting. He wouldn't be safe. Lots and lots of hugs and good wishes for your hurting mommy heart. [/QUOTE]
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