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newbie seeking advice on dealing with sons behaviors
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 614860" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I don't think my son is antisocial personality disorder either. But I know he has some traits and he is more narcissistic...the world revolves around him and his needs.</p><p></p><p>I won't say he has a good heart, but when he isn't overly agitated he can be fun, engaging, polite and very funny. His intelligence is obvious at that time. He truly does love his son with all his heart and has never even spanked him, per his ex. And his ex hates him and would have used this against him in their custody battle if she could have. But when he loses it, he loses it. It's scary. And it happens too often. And, in that impulsive, rageful state, I believe he COULD hurt somebody.</p><p></p><p>Your son does sound like he has kindness in his heart, but his attitude toward you is terrible. And I don't believe it is your fault. Our kids are born with certain temperaments and being consistent doesn't change that. We can raise five kids and every single one, raised the same, will turn out differently. You don't mention his biological father or if there are difficult people in your son's family tree (genetically), but genetics is huge. There are other narcissistic people on my family tree and I have many mental health struggles myself. The difference between my son and I, other than I have almost TOO much empathy (I'm a real softie) is that I knew I was different and tried very hard all my life to get help and do well. That really helped me. It still does.</p><p></p><p>Your son (and mine) need to one day wake up, realize what they are doing is unkind and work very hard at getting better. In my son's case, cutting out the alcohol would help. I think your son would probably do better without pot. No psychiatric medication will help either of them if the possible benefits of taking them are wiped out by the effects of the recreational drugs. Not only does my son drink every day, but his psychiatrist prescribed eight Xanax's a day!!!! I would not be able to drive, work, or keep my eyes open on that amount of Xanax. I don't know what his doctor was thinking nor do I know how much my son takes now, but it's a prescription. Boggles my mind. He was in an accident once and totaled his car. He hit a tree. Miraculously, he walked away from this accident, but it still scares me to think that it could happen again.</p><p></p><p>Back to genetics and blame: Most adoptive parents, when they meet their children's birthparents for the first time (and it happens a lot these days) are shocked by how much their adopted children are like their birthparents who most of the kids have never even seen. Sometimes they even make gestures like one another and yet they have never seen one another. It's downright spooky. I'm guessing that somebody on your son's family tree had a personality similar to him, even if your son never knew the DNA relative who acted like him. You can not be blamed for that. I have always shaken my head over 36's behavior, but I never blamed myself. I never blamed my parents for my issues. I figured I was born that way.</p><p></p><p>I actually think that how you handle your son now is important because not only does he need to get serious about facing his problems, but YOU are important too...as important as HE is...and you need to take care of yourself. You deserve a good life free of stress in your own home. You deserve to be treated with respect and caring. Your son in my opinion needs to get into serious therapy and learn coping mechanisms to stop himself from his extremely poor impulse control and his anger issues. YOU can't help him. Only HE can help himself. And it takes hard work.</p><p></p><p>Keep posting. Your son is still young. He may decide that he's tired of himself and decide to get serious about getting the help he needs. 36 always does much better when he is in therapy.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 614860, member: 1550"] I don't think my son is antisocial personality disorder either. But I know he has some traits and he is more narcissistic...the world revolves around him and his needs. I won't say he has a good heart, but when he isn't overly agitated he can be fun, engaging, polite and very funny. His intelligence is obvious at that time. He truly does love his son with all his heart and has never even spanked him, per his ex. And his ex hates him and would have used this against him in their custody battle if she could have. But when he loses it, he loses it. It's scary. And it happens too often. And, in that impulsive, rageful state, I believe he COULD hurt somebody. Your son does sound like he has kindness in his heart, but his attitude toward you is terrible. And I don't believe it is your fault. Our kids are born with certain temperaments and being consistent doesn't change that. We can raise five kids and every single one, raised the same, will turn out differently. You don't mention his biological father or if there are difficult people in your son's family tree (genetically), but genetics is huge. There are other narcissistic people on my family tree and I have many mental health struggles myself. The difference between my son and I, other than I have almost TOO much empathy (I'm a real softie) is that I knew I was different and tried very hard all my life to get help and do well. That really helped me. It still does. Your son (and mine) need to one day wake up, realize what they are doing is unkind and work very hard at getting better. In my son's case, cutting out the alcohol would help. I think your son would probably do better without pot. No psychiatric medication will help either of them if the possible benefits of taking them are wiped out by the effects of the recreational drugs. Not only does my son drink every day, but his psychiatrist prescribed eight Xanax's a day!!!! I would not be able to drive, work, or keep my eyes open on that amount of Xanax. I don't know what his doctor was thinking nor do I know how much my son takes now, but it's a prescription. Boggles my mind. He was in an accident once and totaled his car. He hit a tree. Miraculously, he walked away from this accident, but it still scares me to think that it could happen again. Back to genetics and blame: Most adoptive parents, when they meet their children's birthparents for the first time (and it happens a lot these days) are shocked by how much their adopted children are like their birthparents who most of the kids have never even seen. Sometimes they even make gestures like one another and yet they have never seen one another. It's downright spooky. I'm guessing that somebody on your son's family tree had a personality similar to him, even if your son never knew the DNA relative who acted like him. You can not be blamed for that. I have always shaken my head over 36's behavior, but I never blamed myself. I never blamed my parents for my issues. I figured I was born that way. I actually think that how you handle your son now is important because not only does he need to get serious about facing his problems, but YOU are important too...as important as HE is...and you need to take care of yourself. You deserve a good life free of stress in your own home. You deserve to be treated with respect and caring. Your son in my opinion needs to get into serious therapy and learn coping mechanisms to stop himself from his extremely poor impulse control and his anger issues. YOU can't help him. Only HE can help himself. And it takes hard work. Keep posting. Your son is still young. He may decide that he's tired of himself and decide to get serious about getting the help he needs. 36 always does much better when he is in therapy. [/QUOTE]
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