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newbie seeking advice on dealing with sons behaviors
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 614890" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Look, these kids, even as adults, knock us out. They are tiring; exhausting. You are not alone. What helps is not to try fixing him, but trying to help yourself have a good life in spite of your having a worrisome adult child. You can't change HIM, but you can change YOURSELF and your attitude toward his choices and your priorities in your life. You can start to take care of YOU and stop trying to take care of him. We call this emotional pulling away...detachment. I highly recommend reading a book that would be for YOU: "Co-Dependent No More by Melodie Beattie." You can get it on Amazon. I used to think it was my responsibility to take care of everyone else, even at a risk to myself. There are times that the perils of others made me feel suicidal because I felt so helpless and I tried so hard to fix them and nothing worked. I have learned a lot since then and I hope you can do the same. </p><p>Your son is somebody you love very much, but you are not the cause of his problems and you can't fix him. Nobody can, not even the best intervention, until he is ready to admit he needs help. Until then, it is best for your own health, both physical and mental, if you move along with your life and enjoy yourself. Not saying it will happen overnight, but it can and should. For now, have you tried not engaging your son when he is verbally abusive? I certainly would not get out of bed to get him anything. He is old enough to dress himself (pick out his own clothes), wash them, make his own meals, clean his own room, etc. If he won't, I wouldn't do those simple things for him. You are his mother, not his slave. I say that because I felt like a slave to a few people at one time. Maybe you don't, so maybe I shouldn't have used that word, but I was relaying my own feelings. </p><p>Hugs and know that we all care. A lot. Keep posting.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 614890, member: 1550"] Look, these kids, even as adults, knock us out. They are tiring; exhausting. You are not alone. What helps is not to try fixing him, but trying to help yourself have a good life in spite of your having a worrisome adult child. You can't change HIM, but you can change YOURSELF and your attitude toward his choices and your priorities in your life. You can start to take care of YOU and stop trying to take care of him. We call this emotional pulling away...detachment. I highly recommend reading a book that would be for YOU: "Co-Dependent No More by Melodie Beattie." You can get it on Amazon. I used to think it was my responsibility to take care of everyone else, even at a risk to myself. There are times that the perils of others made me feel suicidal because I felt so helpless and I tried so hard to fix them and nothing worked. I have learned a lot since then and I hope you can do the same. Your son is somebody you love very much, but you are not the cause of his problems and you can't fix him. Nobody can, not even the best intervention, until he is ready to admit he needs help. Until then, it is best for your own health, both physical and mental, if you move along with your life and enjoy yourself. Not saying it will happen overnight, but it can and should. For now, have you tried not engaging your son when he is verbally abusive? I certainly would not get out of bed to get him anything. He is old enough to dress himself (pick out his own clothes), wash them, make his own meals, clean his own room, etc. If he won't, I wouldn't do those simple things for him. You are his mother, not his slave. I say that because I felt like a slave to a few people at one time. Maybe you don't, so maybe I shouldn't have used that word, but I was relaying my own feelings. Hugs and know that we all care. A lot. Keep posting. [/QUOTE]
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