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<blockquote data-quote="Fran" data-source="post: 475879" data-attributes="member: 3"><p>Hello Ma Kettle. It's a heart break when you do everything you are supposed to do and find this boiling cauldron of hate and self destruction under the surface. Try to remember that 14 is very young and she has adolescent hormones that make everything seem the end of the world to our difficult child's. Their drama level is pretty high. How she is today isn't necessarily how she will be in 2 yrs or 4 yrs. </p><p>She is going to be a challenge but try to step back and look at the goal and try to remember it before you get mired in the drama. Your goal is to raise a law abiding, working, independent, responsible adult. Breaking the law isn't going to get her there, nor treating her body in such a debasing way won't allow her to grow self respect. She really is doing behaviors that are hurting her and secondarily hurting you. </p><p>Remember, she can hate you. It's not your goal to have her always happy with your parenting. Your job is to guide her and parent her towards adulthood. Many of us have seen our difficult child's say and think awful things in the process of growing up and through adolescence. Those who learn from their mistakes change and move forward. Those who don't learn from mistakes keep doing harmful things. You can't really control her and you have to step back a little. Right now, I think you have to work on her not hurting herself then you can work on therapeutic healthier relationship. You and husband don't sound like poor, irresponsible parents so try to shelve the guilt. It's not about your parenting(although she will try to make it about you). It's about her thinking process and the hiccup in her thinking. Eventually, you will rules that are inflexible such as No drugs or alcohol, rules that have some flexibility and some things you stop worrying about. </p><p>My difficult child had different issues but it really is a process of getting through the hurt and anger to get to the point where you realize she is your child, you love her, even if you don't always like her behavior, and you will try to do everything to get her to the point of healthy productive living regardless of how much it appears to the outside world. You don't owe them any explanation or justification. When I got "balled up" with emotions I ask myself "who does it serve" and what does my child need. It helped me to see the goal a little clearer. Believe it, most of us parents of older difficult child's have been humbled and humiliated in many cases. Eventually we get over it and realize it really is less important than we thought. </p><p>Hang in there. Fight for your child and be her warrior mom even if it means you are fighting her. Keep your eye on the goal.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Fran, post: 475879, member: 3"] Hello Ma Kettle. It's a heart break when you do everything you are supposed to do and find this boiling cauldron of hate and self destruction under the surface. Try to remember that 14 is very young and she has adolescent hormones that make everything seem the end of the world to our difficult child's. Their drama level is pretty high. How she is today isn't necessarily how she will be in 2 yrs or 4 yrs. She is going to be a challenge but try to step back and look at the goal and try to remember it before you get mired in the drama. Your goal is to raise a law abiding, working, independent, responsible adult. Breaking the law isn't going to get her there, nor treating her body in such a debasing way won't allow her to grow self respect. She really is doing behaviors that are hurting her and secondarily hurting you. Remember, she can hate you. It's not your goal to have her always happy with your parenting. Your job is to guide her and parent her towards adulthood. Many of us have seen our difficult child's say and think awful things in the process of growing up and through adolescence. Those who learn from their mistakes change and move forward. Those who don't learn from mistakes keep doing harmful things. You can't really control her and you have to step back a little. Right now, I think you have to work on her not hurting herself then you can work on therapeutic healthier relationship. You and husband don't sound like poor, irresponsible parents so try to shelve the guilt. It's not about your parenting(although she will try to make it about you). It's about her thinking process and the hiccup in her thinking. Eventually, you will rules that are inflexible such as No drugs or alcohol, rules that have some flexibility and some things you stop worrying about. My difficult child had different issues but it really is a process of getting through the hurt and anger to get to the point where you realize she is your child, you love her, even if you don't always like her behavior, and you will try to do everything to get her to the point of healthy productive living regardless of how much it appears to the outside world. You don't owe them any explanation or justification. When I got "balled up" with emotions I ask myself "who does it serve" and what does my child need. It helped me to see the goal a little clearer. Believe it, most of us parents of older difficult child's have been humbled and humiliated in many cases. Eventually we get over it and realize it really is less important than we thought. Hang in there. Fight for your child and be her warrior mom even if it means you are fighting her. Keep your eye on the goal. [/QUOTE]
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