Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
newbie
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 348085" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I am really worried here. I don't want to offend, I know you love your son and want him to be open and honest with you - but I'm wondering if he actually is, more than you realise.</p><p></p><p>All through your posts, I'm 'hearing' your frustration with him and with the situation. What deeply concerns me is, I think, also a facet of the "ODD" label which includes the word "oppositional". It implies the child is being deliberately difficult and obstructive, when often they are not.</p><p></p><p>You say you're concerned about the BS, you feel "played" and so on. You're suspicious of this latest episode of the vomiting and the low-grade fever. I don't blame your suspicion, but EVERYTHING you have here, including this last bit, is what we have been through with difficult child 3. And yes, we also blamed difficult child 3 for trying to get out of school by "making himself sick".</p><p></p><p>Boy, were we wrong!</p><p></p><p>We had the advantage of knowing that difficult child 3 has autism. However, we had no idea of the extreme pressure difficult child 3 was under. A 'normal' kid wouldn't have been so pressured, of course.</p><p></p><p>For a long time, the attitude towards difficult child 3 was, "He's doing this on purpose. He means to be mean and nasty, he means to be difficult. He knows how to push my buttons" - the whole deal.</p><p></p><p>Of course, we were wrong. </p><p></p><p>Now we have a much better understanding of how a kid reacts when extremely anxious, and extremely stressed. Especially a kid who isn't socially able to 'fit in' as expected.</p><p></p><p>What changed for us - when we began to treat difficult child 3 as a kid who really couldn't help it, a kid who was stressing out so badly, because while for us the world is easy to manage, it certainly is not for him.</p><p></p><p>Schoolwork - difficult child 3 could do some stuff easily, but the level presented in class was too low for him, he was bored. He had trouble concentrating because he is so incredibly distractible. Sensory integration problems meant that the scrape of a chair, the tap of a pencil, a cough, the teacher saying, "Don't forget to answer all the questions," meant that he kept getting his train of thought totally derailed.</p><p></p><p>Some topic areas were also surprisingly difficult for him. difficult child 3 was an excellent reader, he could pick up a book and read aloud from it fluently and with expression. But he lacked understanding, and if asked questions about what he read, if he couldn't 'key word' the answer in the text, he was lost. As the work became more complex, he would really fight doing those subjects in class. </p><p></p><p>Add in bullying, other kids belittling him, the attitude of some teachers indicating their impatience with him and their belief that he was deliberately causing trouble - he was giving up and fed up. Always angry, always "in your face".</p><p></p><p>But despite all this, I realised - he, like all kids, was basically good and wanting to please. Kids don't start out naughty, they don't choose to be troublemakers. But if the expectation is there that they will cause trouble, or if they themselves believe they are bad, you get what you set up.</p><p></p><p>Generally speaking, kids want to do well and want to please us. But when they begin to feel they have no chance of doing that, that is when they begin to be a problem. And you don't fix that problem with more disapproval, that is how you got to this point to begin with.</p><p></p><p>Your home discipline methods - you mentioned your strictness. Again I speak from experience - husband & I were raised with strict control. And with these kids, it is disastrous. However, these kids are themselves control freaks, as I'm sure you've already noticed. The way he screams at you, gets in your face - he is trying to assert control. So in fact, given "Explosive Child" methods, you can teach these kids SELF control, often at an earlier age than other kids, by tapping into this inner need to control everything around them.</p><p></p><p>They do not respond well to you trying to exert tight control though. It often makes things a lot worse. Instead, they respond well to you listening, ignoring the shouting and tantrums (generally they really can't help it - ignore their age, it no longer applies here). You CAN turn tis around, but it will take a major direction shift from you. But as Dr Phil says, someone has to the hero and it should really be the adult in the situation to be the first to make the change.</p><p></p><p>Your husband, I feel very sorry for (you too, and your difficult child too, of course). But your husband is feeling overwhelmed and powerless, as well as frustrated. It is a very difficult situation for all of you but I can see you have all tried to make things work, to find some way to make things work well. I do think the choice to keep your husband out of the discipline side of things was made for good reasons and I know you don't all agree with me - I think it was a very clever choice of yours to do this. However, I think there are even better ways, ways in which you can involve your husband in working with your son.</p><p></p><p>First step you're already doing - read the book. </p><p></p><p>Second step - keep in mind, your son is probably a really good kid, but the world just won't do what he wants it to do. And he doesn't know what to do from here, he needs you to support him and guide him. Chances are, he will respond well to you as his facilitator. It certainly should reduce the current tug of war you have with him that is producing the ODD.</p><p></p><p>Third step - keep posting here and involve your husband in these posts completely. Again I speak from experience: my husband began lurking here and in doing so, he found what I was writing tended to condense thoughts and ideas which helped him really 'get it'. We are already close, but we found this made our communication even better and more productive. Of course it does mean I can't vent about him, but I don't really have cause to. We already were great mates, but now we're also a great team. And because he is now a member here in his own right, he often discusses with me how we feel about this person or tat, and he doesn't always agree with me, of course. It is interesting for us to discuss our different views, and also very helpful.</p><p></p><p>The outcome - difficult child 3 is doing so much better. Also, this group gave me the confidence to see difficult child 3 in a more positive light and make some drastic changes where they were needed, as a result we're all a great deal happier.</p><p></p><p>Welcome to the site (if I haven't already said so) and I hope you can take what I have said as constructive support, which is what I have intended.</p><p></p><p>Read other threads, browse around everything and pick everybody's brains. There are resources we can help you plug into.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 348085, member: 1991"] I am really worried here. I don't want to offend, I know you love your son and want him to be open and honest with you - but I'm wondering if he actually is, more than you realise. All through your posts, I'm 'hearing' your frustration with him and with the situation. What deeply concerns me is, I think, also a facet of the "ODD" label which includes the word "oppositional". It implies the child is being deliberately difficult and obstructive, when often they are not. You say you're concerned about the BS, you feel "played" and so on. You're suspicious of this latest episode of the vomiting and the low-grade fever. I don't blame your suspicion, but EVERYTHING you have here, including this last bit, is what we have been through with difficult child 3. And yes, we also blamed difficult child 3 for trying to get out of school by "making himself sick". Boy, were we wrong! We had the advantage of knowing that difficult child 3 has autism. However, we had no idea of the extreme pressure difficult child 3 was under. A 'normal' kid wouldn't have been so pressured, of course. For a long time, the attitude towards difficult child 3 was, "He's doing this on purpose. He means to be mean and nasty, he means to be difficult. He knows how to push my buttons" - the whole deal. Of course, we were wrong. Now we have a much better understanding of how a kid reacts when extremely anxious, and extremely stressed. Especially a kid who isn't socially able to 'fit in' as expected. What changed for us - when we began to treat difficult child 3 as a kid who really couldn't help it, a kid who was stressing out so badly, because while for us the world is easy to manage, it certainly is not for him. Schoolwork - difficult child 3 could do some stuff easily, but the level presented in class was too low for him, he was bored. He had trouble concentrating because he is so incredibly distractible. Sensory integration problems meant that the scrape of a chair, the tap of a pencil, a cough, the teacher saying, "Don't forget to answer all the questions," meant that he kept getting his train of thought totally derailed. Some topic areas were also surprisingly difficult for him. difficult child 3 was an excellent reader, he could pick up a book and read aloud from it fluently and with expression. But he lacked understanding, and if asked questions about what he read, if he couldn't 'key word' the answer in the text, he was lost. As the work became more complex, he would really fight doing those subjects in class. Add in bullying, other kids belittling him, the attitude of some teachers indicating their impatience with him and their belief that he was deliberately causing trouble - he was giving up and fed up. Always angry, always "in your face". But despite all this, I realised - he, like all kids, was basically good and wanting to please. Kids don't start out naughty, they don't choose to be troublemakers. But if the expectation is there that they will cause trouble, or if they themselves believe they are bad, you get what you set up. Generally speaking, kids want to do well and want to please us. But when they begin to feel they have no chance of doing that, that is when they begin to be a problem. And you don't fix that problem with more disapproval, that is how you got to this point to begin with. Your home discipline methods - you mentioned your strictness. Again I speak from experience - husband & I were raised with strict control. And with these kids, it is disastrous. However, these kids are themselves control freaks, as I'm sure you've already noticed. The way he screams at you, gets in your face - he is trying to assert control. So in fact, given "Explosive Child" methods, you can teach these kids SELF control, often at an earlier age than other kids, by tapping into this inner need to control everything around them. They do not respond well to you trying to exert tight control though. It often makes things a lot worse. Instead, they respond well to you listening, ignoring the shouting and tantrums (generally they really can't help it - ignore their age, it no longer applies here). You CAN turn tis around, but it will take a major direction shift from you. But as Dr Phil says, someone has to the hero and it should really be the adult in the situation to be the first to make the change. Your husband, I feel very sorry for (you too, and your difficult child too, of course). But your husband is feeling overwhelmed and powerless, as well as frustrated. It is a very difficult situation for all of you but I can see you have all tried to make things work, to find some way to make things work well. I do think the choice to keep your husband out of the discipline side of things was made for good reasons and I know you don't all agree with me - I think it was a very clever choice of yours to do this. However, I think there are even better ways, ways in which you can involve your husband in working with your son. First step you're already doing - read the book. Second step - keep in mind, your son is probably a really good kid, but the world just won't do what he wants it to do. And he doesn't know what to do from here, he needs you to support him and guide him. Chances are, he will respond well to you as his facilitator. It certainly should reduce the current tug of war you have with him that is producing the ODD. Third step - keep posting here and involve your husband in these posts completely. Again I speak from experience: my husband began lurking here and in doing so, he found what I was writing tended to condense thoughts and ideas which helped him really 'get it'. We are already close, but we found this made our communication even better and more productive. Of course it does mean I can't vent about him, but I don't really have cause to. We already were great mates, but now we're also a great team. And because he is now a member here in his own right, he often discusses with me how we feel about this person or tat, and he doesn't always agree with me, of course. It is interesting for us to discuss our different views, and also very helpful. The outcome - difficult child 3 is doing so much better. Also, this group gave me the confidence to see difficult child 3 in a more positive light and make some drastic changes where they were needed, as a result we're all a great deal happier. Welcome to the site (if I haven't already said so) and I hope you can take what I have said as constructive support, which is what I have intended. Read other threads, browse around everything and pick everybody's brains. There are resources we can help you plug into. Marg [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
newbie
Top