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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 446643" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Hi, I'm coming a bit late to this.</p><p></p><p>First - read that book. It will help.</p><p></p><p>Second - and again, this will be reinforced by the book - it's all very well to punish bad behaviour by removing his things and expecting him to earn them back, but what if he simply does not have sufficient control? He is then set up for failure. Our kids can't help it a lot of the time, especially when their environment is more challenging than at other times. A common thing we hear is, "I know he can control himself; he behaves well at school/at home but gets really bad in the other location." This does NOT mean your child has exceptional self-control; it just means that some environments are easier for him than others. Or he holds it together at school because he knows it is more critical there, then gets home where he knows he is loved and feels safe, then lets everything go, every little frustration and annoyance of his day, and you get hit by the shrapnel of him coming apart. </p><p></p><p>It helps to try to work out what is behind the problem behaviours. Sometimes it's like a Gordian knot, you can't work out where the end of the knot is so you can begin to unravel it. Keeping a diary can help. When you read back through the diary, or when you get other people to also provide information, it can help you see patterns that otherwise can get missed.</p><p></p><p>And finally - it shouldn't matter, but are you a same sex couple? It makes no difference to us here, but it can have a bearing on how authority figures treat you. It could also explain why your sister every so often starts proceedings. Someone could be getting to her and pushing her to file. Not fair, not right and certainly not stable for your son.</p><p></p><p>Simply being adopted, especially one in your situation where there is a natural mother occasionally rocking the boat, can be enough for behaviour problems. My sister adopted two children and had three of her own. Both her adopted children caused a lot of headaches. We found the girl's behaviour especially interesting - she was 7 months old when she came to us and was a lovely little thing. Beautiful but malnourished. There was a lot we weren't told, but my sister found that this baby would refuse to take a bottle while being held and would not drink a warm bottle. My sister finally worked out that the only way she could feed the baby was to put her in her cot with a cold bottle of formula. What does that tell you about how the child has been cared for?</p><p></p><p>As she grew, this girl was very competitive with her younger sister (my sister's natural daughter). None of the kids knew about the adoptions, the adopted kids were not told until they were almost adults. There were no natural parents on the scene. At the time it was an option given to us. The belief was that nurture would overcome nature every time.</p><p></p><p>But where does nurture begin? And we now realise, nature has a much greater impact than was credited.</p><p></p><p>My adopted niece was increasingly competitive to the point of undermining her sister. My younger niece would buy some sheet music to teach herself, and find her adopted sister had stolen it and wouldn't let her have it back until she, the older one, was proficient at playing it. When the music was given back it was dog-eared and often badly damaged. Just one small example.</p><p></p><p>We now wonder - was the early neglect of this baby a factor in her determination to grab everything she could for herself before it disappeared? Interestingly, once she found out she was adopted, and under what circumstances, she began to make changes in herself. It was as if she finally understood. Meanwhile her younger sister was always loving and forgiving. They are now very close, they live near one another (and near their mother) and spend a lot of time together. Both girls chose similar career paths but by that stage, not in any spirit of competition.</p><p></p><p>And a final interesting point - my older niece has four children. She's a great mother. But her third baby had health problems. She took her to the ER and they diagnosed malnutrition. My niece was on the point of losing her baby to CPS. My sister intervened and pointed out her daughter's early history. The doctors did more tests and diagnosed a digestion problem. We now wonder if my niece had this problem as a baby and this could have been why she was in and out of hospital as a baby. She was neglected as a baby though. But perhaps not as badly as we thought.</p><p>Baby is now in school and doing fine. However, possible Aspie. Thanks to our experience with difficult child 3, plus my niece's studies, they recognised it early and have been getting help for the little girl.</p><p></p><p>My niece had another baby last year. Another little girl. Thankfully, no digestive problems. </p><p></p><p>I remember my niece as a kid and teen - a real hellion at times. Lying, demanding, difficult, controlling (very). A wonderful person now.</p><p></p><p>Just thought I would give you some hope.</p><p></p><p>So - read the book. Read about the book. Google it. Get it from the library. Get your partner to read it. You are a team, the two of you, with this boy. Get her to lurk here or post here too, so you can be even better on the same page. My husband does this, we then talk about issues together. What we post is often a distillation of our concerns and thoughts, whereas when we talk, it can be disrupted and disjointed (life and kids get in the way!).</p><p></p><p>Welcome.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 446643, member: 1991"] Hi, I'm coming a bit late to this. First - read that book. It will help. Second - and again, this will be reinforced by the book - it's all very well to punish bad behaviour by removing his things and expecting him to earn them back, but what if he simply does not have sufficient control? He is then set up for failure. Our kids can't help it a lot of the time, especially when their environment is more challenging than at other times. A common thing we hear is, "I know he can control himself; he behaves well at school/at home but gets really bad in the other location." This does NOT mean your child has exceptional self-control; it just means that some environments are easier for him than others. Or he holds it together at school because he knows it is more critical there, then gets home where he knows he is loved and feels safe, then lets everything go, every little frustration and annoyance of his day, and you get hit by the shrapnel of him coming apart. It helps to try to work out what is behind the problem behaviours. Sometimes it's like a Gordian knot, you can't work out where the end of the knot is so you can begin to unravel it. Keeping a diary can help. When you read back through the diary, or when you get other people to also provide information, it can help you see patterns that otherwise can get missed. And finally - it shouldn't matter, but are you a same sex couple? It makes no difference to us here, but it can have a bearing on how authority figures treat you. It could also explain why your sister every so often starts proceedings. Someone could be getting to her and pushing her to file. Not fair, not right and certainly not stable for your son. Simply being adopted, especially one in your situation where there is a natural mother occasionally rocking the boat, can be enough for behaviour problems. My sister adopted two children and had three of her own. Both her adopted children caused a lot of headaches. We found the girl's behaviour especially interesting - she was 7 months old when she came to us and was a lovely little thing. Beautiful but malnourished. There was a lot we weren't told, but my sister found that this baby would refuse to take a bottle while being held and would not drink a warm bottle. My sister finally worked out that the only way she could feed the baby was to put her in her cot with a cold bottle of formula. What does that tell you about how the child has been cared for? As she grew, this girl was very competitive with her younger sister (my sister's natural daughter). None of the kids knew about the adoptions, the adopted kids were not told until they were almost adults. There were no natural parents on the scene. At the time it was an option given to us. The belief was that nurture would overcome nature every time. But where does nurture begin? And we now realise, nature has a much greater impact than was credited. My adopted niece was increasingly competitive to the point of undermining her sister. My younger niece would buy some sheet music to teach herself, and find her adopted sister had stolen it and wouldn't let her have it back until she, the older one, was proficient at playing it. When the music was given back it was dog-eared and often badly damaged. Just one small example. We now wonder - was the early neglect of this baby a factor in her determination to grab everything she could for herself before it disappeared? Interestingly, once she found out she was adopted, and under what circumstances, she began to make changes in herself. It was as if she finally understood. Meanwhile her younger sister was always loving and forgiving. They are now very close, they live near one another (and near their mother) and spend a lot of time together. Both girls chose similar career paths but by that stage, not in any spirit of competition. And a final interesting point - my older niece has four children. She's a great mother. But her third baby had health problems. She took her to the ER and they diagnosed malnutrition. My niece was on the point of losing her baby to CPS. My sister intervened and pointed out her daughter's early history. The doctors did more tests and diagnosed a digestion problem. We now wonder if my niece had this problem as a baby and this could have been why she was in and out of hospital as a baby. She was neglected as a baby though. But perhaps not as badly as we thought. Baby is now in school and doing fine. However, possible Aspie. Thanks to our experience with difficult child 3, plus my niece's studies, they recognised it early and have been getting help for the little girl. My niece had another baby last year. Another little girl. Thankfully, no digestive problems. I remember my niece as a kid and teen - a real hellion at times. Lying, demanding, difficult, controlling (very). A wonderful person now. Just thought I would give you some hope. So - read the book. Read about the book. Google it. Get it from the library. Get your partner to read it. You are a team, the two of you, with this boy. Get her to lurk here or post here too, so you can be even better on the same page. My husband does this, we then talk about issues together. What we post is often a distillation of our concerns and thoughts, whereas when we talk, it can be disrupted and disjointed (life and kids get in the way!). Welcome. Marg [/QUOTE]
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