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No Clue What To Do NEXT...
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<blockquote data-quote="seriously" data-source="post: 446844" data-attributes="member: 11920"><p>Welcome. I'll try to do brief responses - not my forte - but I'm short of time today.</p><p></p><p>1. You don't say where you are/state/country - but depending on the laws there you may need a court order showing temporary custody before anyone will agree to treatment - if they are being picky. I don't know who these counselors are but I would try someone else. In the meantime, talk to the guy at social services about something from them to help when you encounter this problem.</p><p></p><p>2. Your son needs a child psychiatrist. Do NOT go to the pediatrician for ADHD medications any more please, please, please. He is probably a great pediatrician but he is NOT a child psychiatrist. Particularly given the family history your son needs a thorough evaluation for both psychiatric and developmental/functional issues. The first is from a child psychiatrist (not an adult one) and the later is best obtained from a neuropsychologist. If you haven't had any testing done at school then you can start by requesting an assessment for Special Education. That will get you some basic assessments hopefully.</p><p></p><p>3. You and SO must adopt the following mantra and repeat, rinse, repeat as needed: I will not take this personally. </p><p></p><p>4. Additional mantras:</p><p></p><p>I am a GOOD parent. </p><p> </p><p>I will say something once and then stop talking. </p><p></p><p>I will ignore as much as possible but I will not back down. </p><p></p><p>Remember to use one liners. (one liners are throw away statements that you can use like "I'll get back to you." or "I'll love you no matter where you live." or "I'll talk to SO about it tonight." or "I'm sorry you feel that way." )</p><p></p><p>5. difficult child's seem to have a knack for knowing how to push your buttons and to split parents (set one against the other). You must be on the same page with SO and always back each other up. SO is probably right - it is common for a step-parent (essentially what SO is) to be the target of the worst behavior and she has to remember the mantra. She also needs time away to allow her to keep her cool.</p><p></p><p>6. If possible, set a routine and keep to it. There should be a set bedtime and bedtime routine. As you discovered, he can't handle staying up late. It's important to remember that his nervous system is probably over-loaded a lot (as evidenced by his behavior) and he needs patterns to his day that he can rely on and his body can get used to and count on.</p><p></p><p>7. Write down house rules. Go over them with difficult child. Then post them. When he violates house rules you say "remember, that is against our house rules." and don't say anything more. Don't threaten punishment. You should have identified a list of privileges as part of the house rules and say that he can lose any or all of those (or get them like extra chores) when he violates house rules. If you decide his violation of house rules is sufficient then let him know "you have two options. You can stop XYZ which is against the house rules or you can go cool off. If you choose not to stop then you will either get an extra chore or lose your TV privilege for today. You choose." Then follow through. You do NOT have to tell him before you take away a privilege. You just do it.</p><p></p><p>8. You and SO need to be seeing a therapist - as in yesterday. It is very difficult to have a child like this and you need support to make it. Without it you are likely to find yourself single or at war with your SO and your kiddo. Make an appointment today with someone - preferably someone who has experience working with difficult adolescents. I know he's not an adolescent but he will be before you know it and someone with that kind of experience should be able to help you reduce the chances that he will be an impossible adolescent. And yes, you will probably still be seeing this person when your difficult child is 16 so don't be shy about being picky and getting the right person.</p><p></p><p>9. Do not despair. It is way too early to conclude that it is impossible. You are just now starting to seek help that may make a huge difference. Try the techniques in the Explosive Child. Come here and ask questions and get advice about practical things and then take what fits for you and leave the rest. You cannot try everything and you will need to start small and build over time.</p><p></p><p>Best wishes</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="seriously, post: 446844, member: 11920"] Welcome. I'll try to do brief responses - not my forte - but I'm short of time today. 1. You don't say where you are/state/country - but depending on the laws there you may need a court order showing temporary custody before anyone will agree to treatment - if they are being picky. I don't know who these counselors are but I would try someone else. In the meantime, talk to the guy at social services about something from them to help when you encounter this problem. 2. Your son needs a child psychiatrist. Do NOT go to the pediatrician for ADHD medications any more please, please, please. He is probably a great pediatrician but he is NOT a child psychiatrist. Particularly given the family history your son needs a thorough evaluation for both psychiatric and developmental/functional issues. The first is from a child psychiatrist (not an adult one) and the later is best obtained from a neuropsychologist. If you haven't had any testing done at school then you can start by requesting an assessment for Special Education. That will get you some basic assessments hopefully. 3. You and SO must adopt the following mantra and repeat, rinse, repeat as needed: I will not take this personally. 4. Additional mantras: I am a GOOD parent. I will say something once and then stop talking. I will ignore as much as possible but I will not back down. Remember to use one liners. (one liners are throw away statements that you can use like "I'll get back to you." or "I'll love you no matter where you live." or "I'll talk to SO about it tonight." or "I'm sorry you feel that way." ) 5. difficult child's seem to have a knack for knowing how to push your buttons and to split parents (set one against the other). You must be on the same page with SO and always back each other up. SO is probably right - it is common for a step-parent (essentially what SO is) to be the target of the worst behavior and she has to remember the mantra. She also needs time away to allow her to keep her cool. 6. If possible, set a routine and keep to it. There should be a set bedtime and bedtime routine. As you discovered, he can't handle staying up late. It's important to remember that his nervous system is probably over-loaded a lot (as evidenced by his behavior) and he needs patterns to his day that he can rely on and his body can get used to and count on. 7. Write down house rules. Go over them with difficult child. Then post them. When he violates house rules you say "remember, that is against our house rules." and don't say anything more. Don't threaten punishment. You should have identified a list of privileges as part of the house rules and say that he can lose any or all of those (or get them like extra chores) when he violates house rules. If you decide his violation of house rules is sufficient then let him know "you have two options. You can stop XYZ which is against the house rules or you can go cool off. If you choose not to stop then you will either get an extra chore or lose your TV privilege for today. You choose." Then follow through. You do NOT have to tell him before you take away a privilege. You just do it. 8. You and SO need to be seeing a therapist - as in yesterday. It is very difficult to have a child like this and you need support to make it. Without it you are likely to find yourself single or at war with your SO and your kiddo. Make an appointment today with someone - preferably someone who has experience working with difficult adolescents. I know he's not an adolescent but he will be before you know it and someone with that kind of experience should be able to help you reduce the chances that he will be an impossible adolescent. And yes, you will probably still be seeing this person when your difficult child is 16 so don't be shy about being picky and getting the right person. 9. Do not despair. It is way too early to conclude that it is impossible. You are just now starting to seek help that may make a huge difference. Try the techniques in the Explosive Child. Come here and ask questions and get advice about practical things and then take what fits for you and leave the rest. You cannot try everything and you will need to start small and build over time. Best wishes [/QUOTE]
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