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Not feeling clear on detachment for adult child
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<blockquote data-quote="Tiredof33" data-source="post: 577962" data-attributes="member: 13558"><p>Payla,</p><p>I agree with everything that has been posted. It is the most difficult abnormal feeling in the world, like the advice we are being given is to turn our backs on our child. But they are no longer children, we can not control the situation (if we ever thought we could) and it is affecting our health.</p><p></p><p>My son is 34yo and has been difficult from birth. He started using, drinking, and was out of control at a very young age. I feel like I have been going through this my entire life. His dad (not in the picture for 20+ years) was also and addict and alcoholic. I am convinced the gene was passed to my son. I have had him in program after program and he was court ordered to rehab twice.</p><p></p><p>My son has stolen from me and helped his friends steal from me. I came home and my entire apartment was empty.He stole my keys and gave them to 2 'friends' that were robbing people at gun point. I cringe when I think of the danger he put me in.</p><p></p><p>And after all that I still try. I retired, remarried, and moved to another state. He had been laidoff 3 times due to the economy and he was enrolled in college and on the Dean's List. Long story short, girl friend is harrassing me (met her 1 time) and I had to call the police to stop the harrassment. I was giving him money to finish that semester so he wouldn't lose those credits.</p><p></p><p>It was all a scam, I found out when I had to call the police. One of them (or both) also hacked into my computer. Now they are back together and he wants money again. This time I am just bone weary and he can live on the streets. I really don't know where he is anyway. He treatens suicide and says he will steal to get money and everything is all my fault blah, blah, blah.......</p><p></p><p>They fight and he cuts himself and is always threatening suicide. I did call the police and he told them he was not suicidal. One day he may actually do it. He is angry with me and has gone no contact. IT HAS BEEN SO PEACEFUL!!!!! Then yesterday my sister said she had been talking to him on FB and he said he was graduating in May. I think it's another lie. He lies so much about everything. </p><p></p><p>I am positive my son has a mental illness and the drugs and alcohol only make it worse. He is a follower and this girlfriend is pure evil, she tells him that I never loved him or I would give him money. It's like he lives in a fanatsy world. I have called clinics in his area and given him the information. He said he had made an appointment but it was a lie.</p><p></p><p>You have to learn to turn it over to your HP. We have zero control over them. Get over the guilt, regardless what has happened in his life you can not change the past and it is up to him to get help. Keep reading the books about codependency, anything that helps you. </p><p></p><p>Maybe it's time to go no contact until he actually does do something to help himself. I am truly convinced all of my 'helping' has not helped in any way.</p><p></p><p>(((huggs only someone walking in your shoes can truly know the heart break)))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tiredof33, post: 577962, member: 13558"] Payla, I agree with everything that has been posted. It is the most difficult abnormal feeling in the world, like the advice we are being given is to turn our backs on our child. But they are no longer children, we can not control the situation (if we ever thought we could) and it is affecting our health. My son is 34yo and has been difficult from birth. He started using, drinking, and was out of control at a very young age. I feel like I have been going through this my entire life. His dad (not in the picture for 20+ years) was also and addict and alcoholic. I am convinced the gene was passed to my son. I have had him in program after program and he was court ordered to rehab twice. My son has stolen from me and helped his friends steal from me. I came home and my entire apartment was empty.He stole my keys and gave them to 2 'friends' that were robbing people at gun point. I cringe when I think of the danger he put me in. And after all that I still try. I retired, remarried, and moved to another state. He had been laidoff 3 times due to the economy and he was enrolled in college and on the Dean's List. Long story short, girl friend is harrassing me (met her 1 time) and I had to call the police to stop the harrassment. I was giving him money to finish that semester so he wouldn't lose those credits. It was all a scam, I found out when I had to call the police. One of them (or both) also hacked into my computer. Now they are back together and he wants money again. This time I am just bone weary and he can live on the streets. I really don't know where he is anyway. He treatens suicide and says he will steal to get money and everything is all my fault blah, blah, blah....... They fight and he cuts himself and is always threatening suicide. I did call the police and he told them he was not suicidal. One day he may actually do it. He is angry with me and has gone no contact. IT HAS BEEN SO PEACEFUL!!!!! Then yesterday my sister said she had been talking to him on FB and he said he was graduating in May. I think it's another lie. He lies so much about everything. I am positive my son has a mental illness and the drugs and alcohol only make it worse. He is a follower and this girlfriend is pure evil, she tells him that I never loved him or I would give him money. It's like he lives in a fanatsy world. I have called clinics in his area and given him the information. He said he had made an appointment but it was a lie. You have to learn to turn it over to your HP. We have zero control over them. Get over the guilt, regardless what has happened in his life you can not change the past and it is up to him to get help. Keep reading the books about codependency, anything that helps you. Maybe it's time to go no contact until he actually does do something to help himself. I am truly convinced all of my 'helping' has not helped in any way. (((huggs only someone walking in your shoes can truly know the heart break))) [/QUOTE]
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