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Not feeling clear on detachment for adult child
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 578175" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Good morning Payla. I am sorry, I understand your angst. I think your middle son is is right and I'm glad he was there to give you a different perspective. Let me give you a bit of a perspective of my own here...........as you know my difficult child and I were estranged for awhile. It took me the better part of a year to finally land there. The hardest day I had was Christmas, when I chose to leave her out of the day. Hard as that was, now I know that was the day my daughter's life turned ever so slightly around. I don't want to jinx this (there is some kind of a board jinx that others have warned me about!!!) but I think we have turned a corner!</p><p></p><p>She is making tiny strides on her own behalf. I turned the focus onto me and she was left to figure it out for herself. For a little while we had no contact at all, and I refused to pay for anything or interact with her unless she observed my guidelines and apparently she couldn't for awhile so she didn't interact with me. But, it appears to be turning around now. </p><p></p><p>Hold tight onto the thought of not giving him any more money or any more of your time. Your husband could also opt to not talk to him, no contact. Let him be on his own, he is so used to you guys being there, as hard as it is, set those boundaries and keep them. You shouldn't have to talk to him every time he feels like calling you, that is so remarkably selfish and thoughtless and entitled. He can't see you through his own immature self serving attitude, you are simply a means to an end. For as long as I did that with my difficult child, she could not see me either. I was invisible, only her needs were apparent to both of us, mine were never acknowledged. Interesting, as soon as I detached, I began to be a person to her, a person she appreciated and loved. </p><p></p><p>You've got to break the old connection that is dysfunctional for the possibility for a new connection to grow. You are in the perfect place to let go one more notch, you've laid all the groundwork. I know it's hard, but follow your gut, follow what feels right. You don't have to keep his dog either, or if you do, you can make strict guidelines as to how you will interact with your difficult child while the dog is with you. Think it through, get clear on what you want to do, what you are willing to do and then stand strong in that conviction. Detachment works. Acceptance follows. Then the other shoe ceases to continue dropping. Geez, what a process. I wish you peace.......</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 578175, member: 13542"] Good morning Payla. I am sorry, I understand your angst. I think your middle son is is right and I'm glad he was there to give you a different perspective. Let me give you a bit of a perspective of my own here...........as you know my difficult child and I were estranged for awhile. It took me the better part of a year to finally land there. The hardest day I had was Christmas, when I chose to leave her out of the day. Hard as that was, now I know that was the day my daughter's life turned ever so slightly around. I don't want to jinx this (there is some kind of a board jinx that others have warned me about!!!) but I think we have turned a corner! She is making tiny strides on her own behalf. I turned the focus onto me and she was left to figure it out for herself. For a little while we had no contact at all, and I refused to pay for anything or interact with her unless she observed my guidelines and apparently she couldn't for awhile so she didn't interact with me. But, it appears to be turning around now. Hold tight onto the thought of not giving him any more money or any more of your time. Your husband could also opt to not talk to him, no contact. Let him be on his own, he is so used to you guys being there, as hard as it is, set those boundaries and keep them. You shouldn't have to talk to him every time he feels like calling you, that is so remarkably selfish and thoughtless and entitled. He can't see you through his own immature self serving attitude, you are simply a means to an end. For as long as I did that with my difficult child, she could not see me either. I was invisible, only her needs were apparent to both of us, mine were never acknowledged. Interesting, as soon as I detached, I began to be a person to her, a person she appreciated and loved. You've got to break the old connection that is dysfunctional for the possibility for a new connection to grow. You are in the perfect place to let go one more notch, you've laid all the groundwork. I know it's hard, but follow your gut, follow what feels right. You don't have to keep his dog either, or if you do, you can make strict guidelines as to how you will interact with your difficult child while the dog is with you. Think it through, get clear on what you want to do, what you are willing to do and then stand strong in that conviction. Detachment works. Acceptance follows. Then the other shoe ceases to continue dropping. Geez, what a process. I wish you peace....... [/QUOTE]
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Not feeling clear on detachment for adult child
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