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Not getting to see ONLY kid on HOLIDAYS : (
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<blockquote data-quote="meowbunny" data-source="post: 88174" data-attributes="member: 3626"><p>been there done that, wrote the book. My daughter is truly an "out of sight, out of mind" person. When she was 18 and decided she didn't need to go to school nor work. I decided she needed to do one or the other or live elsewhere. She opted to live elsewhere. Each time she has moved out (3 times so far) I did not hear from her. She was fine with me calling her (she would answer her phone if it was convenient to her), but she did not call me unless something was wrong. </p><p></p><p>When she was in Residential Treatment Facility (RTF), she called when she was scheduled to call (kids were allowed to call home whenever they liked but had to call once a week). Sometimes she even missed these calls because she'd be busy and "forgot."</p><p></p><p>She's been gone on holidays and, like you, it killed me to think she'd rather be elsewhere. She did offer to drop by and pick up her Xmas gifts. I said I'd be busy and we could have our Xmas later. By the time she called to come get them, her gifts were seriously pared down. I even returned her big ticket item.</p><p></p><p>She once moved out once 2 days before my birthday. Didn't hear a thing until 6 weeks later when she was broke and homeless.</p><p></p><p>She stayed with a friend of mine one summer while I was traveling on business. I would call her, she would barely speak to me -- she was busy watching television.</p><p></p><p>To say these incidents devastated me would be putting it mildly. I missed her terribly and was so hurt that she cared so little about me and the family we were that I pretty much cried for days on end. However, there was no way I was going to let her know how much pain I was in. </p><p></p><p>Part of me understood that she was being passive-aggressive -- she couldn't live with me and have her rules, so she was going to SHOW ME. Part of it truly was that there is something missing and she sees no need to call unless there is a need. </p><p></p><p>When she did return home, the rules stood as they were previously. While I was sad and lonely while she was gone, I refused to let her know it. I did things with friends. I volunteered to serve food on the holidays. I went to a spa on my birthday. Quite honestly, I was afraid to give her such a powerful weapon. If she knew how much she had hurt me, I could guaranty she would leave every time she was mad just to punish me.</p><p></p><p>So, find things to do. Start new traditions. Rather than playing Santa for your daughter, play Santa for a family or a special child. Local churches and organizations always have lists of families in dire need. Adopt one of them! Have an activity you always wanted to do or learn but didn't because that time was your daughter's? Well, it isn't now, so use it for you. If your child is like mine (and it sure sounds like it), you can't let her know how much you are hurting. You can let her know you're disappointed but that you'll find ways to keep occupied and enjoy yourself even if she's not around.</p><p></p><p>She may change her mind and spend Xmas with you, but, if she's like mine, I wouldn't count on it. Either way, I would start planning things to do without her (and let her know what your plans are). If she decides to come home for Xmas, I wouldn't change any plans I had made while she was gone. I would simply include her as much as I could with whatever I was going to do.</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry you're going through this. It is not a pain any loving parent deserves.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="meowbunny, post: 88174, member: 3626"] been there done that, wrote the book. My daughter is truly an "out of sight, out of mind" person. When she was 18 and decided she didn't need to go to school nor work. I decided she needed to do one or the other or live elsewhere. She opted to live elsewhere. Each time she has moved out (3 times so far) I did not hear from her. She was fine with me calling her (she would answer her phone if it was convenient to her), but she did not call me unless something was wrong. When she was in Residential Treatment Facility (RTF), she called when she was scheduled to call (kids were allowed to call home whenever they liked but had to call once a week). Sometimes she even missed these calls because she'd be busy and "forgot." She's been gone on holidays and, like you, it killed me to think she'd rather be elsewhere. She did offer to drop by and pick up her Xmas gifts. I said I'd be busy and we could have our Xmas later. By the time she called to come get them, her gifts were seriously pared down. I even returned her big ticket item. She once moved out once 2 days before my birthday. Didn't hear a thing until 6 weeks later when she was broke and homeless. She stayed with a friend of mine one summer while I was traveling on business. I would call her, she would barely speak to me -- she was busy watching television. To say these incidents devastated me would be putting it mildly. I missed her terribly and was so hurt that she cared so little about me and the family we were that I pretty much cried for days on end. However, there was no way I was going to let her know how much pain I was in. Part of me understood that she was being passive-aggressive -- she couldn't live with me and have her rules, so she was going to SHOW ME. Part of it truly was that there is something missing and she sees no need to call unless there is a need. When she did return home, the rules stood as they were previously. While I was sad and lonely while she was gone, I refused to let her know it. I did things with friends. I volunteered to serve food on the holidays. I went to a spa on my birthday. Quite honestly, I was afraid to give her such a powerful weapon. If she knew how much she had hurt me, I could guaranty she would leave every time she was mad just to punish me. So, find things to do. Start new traditions. Rather than playing Santa for your daughter, play Santa for a family or a special child. Local churches and organizations always have lists of families in dire need. Adopt one of them! Have an activity you always wanted to do or learn but didn't because that time was your daughter's? Well, it isn't now, so use it for you. If your child is like mine (and it sure sounds like it), you can't let her know how much you are hurting. You can let her know you're disappointed but that you'll find ways to keep occupied and enjoy yourself even if she's not around. She may change her mind and spend Xmas with you, but, if she's like mine, I wouldn't count on it. Either way, I would start planning things to do without her (and let her know what your plans are). If she decides to come home for Xmas, I wouldn't change any plans I had made while she was gone. I would simply include her as much as I could with whatever I was going to do. I'm sorry you're going through this. It is not a pain any loving parent deserves. [/QUOTE]
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