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<blockquote data-quote="SuZir" data-source="post: 546823" data-attributes="member: 14557"><p>It may be very difficult, or plain impossible, to get her understand. But maybe you have to try because who you are? To stay true to yourself.</p><p></p><p>And there are things you can be sorry for. You can be sorry, she feels this way. You can admit that it is sensitive situation and it is easy to misunderstand things in both parties. That you are sorry, if you have made her feel unloved, excluded, whatever. That was not your intention. You can be sorry that your communication is not working as well as you would hope for. As InsaneCdn suggested, it may be good idea to point out, that you did call and drop by, but she wasn't home and you didn't want to appear too pushy.</p><p></p><p>When people are unsure about themselves and conditioned to feel excluded, they certainly will find signs that others are doing so. With her, I think it's given she would be looking for those signs and she can find them easily. You can not change that. You can tell her, that your actions were not meant to exclude her and you can offer to discuss with her how you could communicate more clearly in future and avoid these misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Only way I can see this to really change is that you are able to mend the relationship back to the point there you do interact regularly and you can show her different. She will still likely misunderstand , but if you try to be very clear and open with matters, it may help her see, that you mean what you say. They are themselves so good at wiggling words they don't trust a word from someone else. Constant showing may work better (if they are ready to understand anything.) </p><p></p><p>Of course she is trying to hand off her own feelings of guilt, being a failure, making wrong choices to something you made her feel. But that is something she has to work with her therapist (if she has one.) If she has Borderline (BPD), you have to remember that even with therapy, the progression is very slow. And sometimes things never change (I have given up hope when it comes to my dad and I believe he has Borderline (BPD)) and you just have to decide which kind of relationship you are ready to have with that troubled individual. </p><p></p><p>With my dad I have learned I can be sorry he feels this or that way, even if I'm not sorry for what I did. And being very clear and consistent is the only thing that works even a little. And not involving myself with drama. Of course my relationship with my dad is not a success story so you may want to skip my advice on this <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SuZir, post: 546823, member: 14557"] It may be very difficult, or plain impossible, to get her understand. But maybe you have to try because who you are? To stay true to yourself. And there are things you can be sorry for. You can be sorry, she feels this way. You can admit that it is sensitive situation and it is easy to misunderstand things in both parties. That you are sorry, if you have made her feel unloved, excluded, whatever. That was not your intention. You can be sorry that your communication is not working as well as you would hope for. As InsaneCdn suggested, it may be good idea to point out, that you did call and drop by, but she wasn't home and you didn't want to appear too pushy. When people are unsure about themselves and conditioned to feel excluded, they certainly will find signs that others are doing so. With her, I think it's given she would be looking for those signs and she can find them easily. You can not change that. You can tell her, that your actions were not meant to exclude her and you can offer to discuss with her how you could communicate more clearly in future and avoid these misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Only way I can see this to really change is that you are able to mend the relationship back to the point there you do interact regularly and you can show her different. She will still likely misunderstand , but if you try to be very clear and open with matters, it may help her see, that you mean what you say. They are themselves so good at wiggling words they don't trust a word from someone else. Constant showing may work better (if they are ready to understand anything.) Of course she is trying to hand off her own feelings of guilt, being a failure, making wrong choices to something you made her feel. But that is something she has to work with her therapist (if she has one.) If she has Borderline (BPD), you have to remember that even with therapy, the progression is very slow. And sometimes things never change (I have given up hope when it comes to my dad and I believe he has Borderline (BPD)) and you just have to decide which kind of relationship you are ready to have with that troubled individual. With my dad I have learned I can be sorry he feels this or that way, even if I'm not sorry for what I did. And being very clear and consistent is the only thing that works even a little. And not involving myself with drama. Of course my relationship with my dad is not a success story so you may want to skip my advice on this :winking: [/QUOTE]
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