I received Katie's letter. I got it in the mail 3 days ago. I haven't responded yet. I swear to heaven above, she's got to be borderline. Nichole reads me her letters to her for the most part, so I know what they say. (I've not asked her to do this, she just does) The last few were worded such that it sounded to Nichole as if she wanted to talk to me again but was afraid to approach me. So I figured since I'd been thinking about it anyway, it was good timing. Seems in the response she's done an about face. Not completely, but enough to put me off a bit. I told her it was ok to tell me how she felt, so that part of it is ok. If I ask for it, I can hardly fault the girl for telling me. It's what she's chosen to latch and hold on to that just has me shaking my head. I wouldn't have been at all surprised if it had been about the incident surrounding the party, after all......that was what set everything off, so that would've made sense. I could've understood her voicing about the fact I was so hard on her about not attending her dad's funeral, because honestly I was pretty hard on her for that as it really ticked me off. But neither of these things were brought up. Instead, she chose to remain focused on last summer when I cared for easy child and the boys because of her accident and shattered leg/ankle. Also that we didn't take her coupon shopping with us. I guess for good measure, she tossed in that I never called her or dropped by, which is untrue......but since she didn't answer the phone or the door, I suppose she wouldn't know that. She said she knew that easy child had an issue with her when her repeated offers to help were turned down. Uh, no. Her offers were actually appreciated as a pleasant surprise as the younger Katie would not have thought to offer at all. Her repeated offers were turned down because for her to help, I'd have had to make 4 trips across town (how is that helping me by the way?) easy child was in extreme pain for long time, I'm a nurse and katie has no training whatsoever, and that easy child was afraid Katie would bring the kids with her.......which would create a lot of other issues because she didn't want "company" for one thing, afraid of being bumped (her own kids were doing that enough) and her house is TINY. It had nothing to do with the fact that easy child still had buried issues over katie. No easy child wasn't falling all over herself where Katie was concerned, but at that point she was still guardedly trying to see if a relationship was possible. The incident surrounding the party brought her buried feelings over Katie to the surface, I'm not even sure easy child herself knew just how truly enraged she still was at her sister. But these things hurt her and "deeply" hurt the kids. Now I can see how she might have felt shut out over the turned down offers to help and the shopping thing. (although we did take her a few times when easy child was more up to it) But that phone calls / drop by thing is total bull. Now maybe M turned off the phones or used the minutes or whatever, and maybe they weren't there when I stopped by.......but enough of that and you just stop. There is no point. So how is it MY fault she didn't answer the phone or the door? See what I mean? So while I saw a glimmer, obviously there is still a long way to go. Katie also said it hurt her so much because she let her "walls" down with me............. Uh, now I'm not trying to be cold hearted here in the least, but if she did, I certainly missed it. In our "conversations" over the past 4 yrs, I've been told very trivial information at best, the one thing much deeper was so obvious I'd deduced long before she said anything, and even that was no big deal. The only thing I can even remotely tag a potential deep dark secret is that M enjoys exposing himself......uh, I think the first online photo of him sort of tipped me off to that one. So, no. The major issue between Katie and the family IS that she won't let down her walls and take active steps to rebuild relationships. We're the ones doing all the work. So. Crud. What do I do with that? I love this girl as I do my own. I have no problem reaching out to her to pull her back into this family where she belongs. But I am not going to change the person I am to do it, I wouldn't even do that for the bio kids. I am who I am, take it or leave it. I don't play games. I don't do drama. I freely admit when I'm wrong once I realize it and I apologize as needed. But it will be a cold day in hades before I offer up an apology for something that I didn't do, for some slight she's imagined in her borderline mind. It's just not gonna happen. Which is why I'm stumped for a response. These issues will have to be addressed simply because she refuses to let them go. She's not going to like what I will tell her either because it's not going to cater to her borderline thinking. If I address it I'll try to choose my words carefully, but I'll tell it like it is. That's just the way I am. I never catered to Nichole's borderline thinking and I'll be darned if I will hers. That doesn't help her, it only re-enforces such thinking. On top of this she insists on letters, "at first", until she can trust me again. Uh, I'm going to be honest, that right there majorly ticks me off. Trust me? Seriously? I've gone back over every fb message I sent the girl, just to be certain of what I'd said because with my memory and what was going on at the time......well, yeah. While I didn't pull punches and was bluntly honest, it was not really that bad. Good grief, easy child and Nichole have been reamed much much worse over much lesser things. So I sit here wondering what I supposedly did that caused her not to trust me. Was it that I stuck up for her kids? Her? Or was it that I told her how I felt when she made up a bogus excuse to not go to her dad's funeral or the party? Because that is it. I had no way of knowing Nichole and easy child were blasting her via fb, (and they were brutally honest with her to put it mildly) I didn't find out about that until long after they'd already done it. Not that I have any control over what they do anyway. Again we're back to circumstances and our feelings ect don't seem to matter. Well, I'm sorry but they do matter and we're as entitled to them as she is to hers. She has no idea what was going on with the rest of the family during that time because she'd deliberately isolated herself. Nor does she seem to care. This is tough to get around. Maybe we won't. If the girl truly has been going to a therapist over these past few months, either the therapist needs fired or Katie is not paying attention except to what she wants to hear. The only thing I know to do is work up a rough draft and let it sit for a few days while looking at it occasionally to revise and reword and hope some wise things pop into my head somewhere along the way. I am not smothered in the grief anymore and the anger this mess caused is no longer there but still it IS frustrating she can't get past this stupidity of last summer when that had nothing to do with what happened. by the way........it's odd but I can sort of hear husband in the background telling me to pull out that Jewish mother guilt talent I have and use it. He always said it amazed him at how perfectly I did it when I am not even remotely Jewish. LOL I guess I can still joke, so it must not be that bad. ugh If you wise women have any insights to offer...........go for it, please. I can use all I can get.