Not sure what to do with this list that I found.

[Shari]

Maybe I should just destroy the list and forget about it. I wasn't nearly as angry about it til I found it.

But that doesn't seem right, either, 'cause this isn't "new" information, not the first time I've griped about the balance of labor in my home...just the first time I realized that some of the things he does, DEX also did, and I swore I wouldn't put up with it again.

Wee's in-home introduced me to the love languages several years ago. I've never read the book, but she had excerpts that we went thru. I rely a lot on the Four Agreements when dealing with people with a different "story" and it always helps knowing where people come from. Collectively, we could never understand why husband put up with his ex when they were together because she yelled at him non-stop without regard to where they were or who could hear...now that we know his mom? We understand. BOY do I ever understand...

Accomplishments on the list? There's not all that many to check off.

But I will talk to him again. Gotta admit, tho, I don't expect a lot to change. I don't know what to say differently so that he'll understand where I'm coming from.

So then I'll either just keep on with the status quo and try to forget the list...or not.

I guess maybe the list has me thinking that I'd have more money and less work if it was just me again. Which is what I unexpectedly discovered when DEX left, and isn't a good train of thought to entertain at all.

 

[timer lady]

Shari, I've read this thread 3x now.

This list is about YOU ~ who & what you allow in your life. Has nothing to do about husband other than he's another choice in your life.

I doubt I'd show it to my husband; if your marriage is worth holding on to than counseling for yourself would be my first start.

You can destroy the list or not. You know in your heart what you want for you. You want to be treated with dignity & respect. You want a caring partner who is a partner, not a burden.

AND after all I went thru with the tweedles & ultimately husband, I'd say that stress & nonstop difficult child antics are keeping you from working your list.

I will agree with DF. Marriage doesn't stay the same - it goes thru many phases, good, bad, ugly & indifferent. As spouses grow the marriage matures - it's not the initial romance. It's the dishes, laundry, bill paying, ornery children - it becomes the deeper feelings as you work as a team. The relationship deepens, becomes wiser & in oh so many ways much much better. Marriage is work.

Time to sort out your list - maybe make a new one with YOU in mind versus others about you. husband didn't have a fighting chance if this had been in the back of your mind all these years.

 

[Shari]

You want to be treated with dignity & respect. You want a caring partner who is a partner, not a burden.

In a nutshell, that is "the list"....and I had lost sight of it.

I will agree with DF. Marriage doesn't stay the same - it goes thru many phases, good, bad, ugly & indifferent. As spouses grow the marriage matures - it's not the initial romance. It's the dishes, laundry, bill paying, ornery children - it becomes the deeper feelings as you work as a team. The relationship deepens, becomes wiser & in oh so many ways much much better. Marriage is work.

Again, "the list".

And this is what is missing.

When wee was a tot, I'd put him to bed and go to the living room and pick up the toys. husband would automagically just get up and help. I'd bring in a basket of laundry and he'd jump in and fold something (he'd usually stiack with things like socks and underwear or towels, but the point is, he'd do it.) That's why I married him. We worked together and we played together.

Now? Unless I'm at something (a single something, not a cumulative something) for an hour or longer, there's very little hope of him contributing. And unless someone else is a party to the playing, he doesn't do that, either. And that's what's making me so flipping angry.

He called me the other day, angry because I obviously hadn't paid the gas bill. We don't even have a gas bill (combined utility provider and bill), but he was mad about it.

The pilot went out on the heater and the electric igniter wasn't working to relight it. Very obviously was getting gas to it...you could smell that. Had to take the cover off and manually light it with a match.

Not a big deal.

Except when you're the one being yelled at for it, you rush home early to fix it, and he could just as easily have solved the problem. If his parents would have called with the same problem, he'd have fixed it.

And you're right. Its not about husband, its about me. And I'm settling. Again.

The thing is, we didn't used to be like this. husband was never one to carry the majority of the load, but it at least wasn't this skewed. And I don't know how to get back to that "team effort". Or if its even possible.

 

[DaisyFace]

Shari--

You're right...and I would find all of those things infuriating myself. I didn't realize how bad it was until you spelled out about the cars and the bills and the rotten meat and curdled milk. That is not OK.

How much of it do you think can be attributed to his upbringing? If that is the way his entire family lived while he was growing up, perhaps he genuinely does NOT notice garbage and trash and unkempt conditions...?

If you two are no longer working or playing together--what happened? Is it something that has just been gradually declining in your relationship? Does husband recognize that you two are no longer even having fun together any more?

Is husband interested in fixing it? If the "fun" part could improve....would the "work" part also improve? Should you start by trying to fix the fun first? (As in an evening out or something like that?)

 

[Shari]

I have known husband for almost 20 years. His folks' place has been a stye as long as I've known him. There are cars out there that are 40 years old, and they insist on keeping them to "store" things in, so I assume part of this is upbringing...yet, he recognizes how awful his folks' place looks. It embarrasses him (when easy child borrowed our vaccuum and friends were coming over, he even took the area rug outside and beat it!). He does not allow others into our house looking that way, even if it is a facade...so yes, part of it is that he doesn't know how...part of it is he doesn't seem to care to learn.

And yes, he wants me to "play" more...yet getting him to do anything with just me is next to impossible. We used to ride horses all the time, just our little family. Its been probably 2 years since I've been able to get him on horseback without having a whole group going. He will take the buggy out, just us, as long as we go into town.

So I pack up the kids and we just go riding or build a campfire or whatever on our own. And that doesn't help.

You are right, tho...focusing on playing first might help. Ultimately, I want that back, too.

 

[Star*]

Can't you saddle up 2 horses and rope him?

Weren't you a champion heeler? That in itself sounds like a little fun to me.

 

[Shari]

LOL, Star, you crack me up. No, no champion heeler here. Or header. Or goat roper (remember? My goat doesn't need to be tied - it just falls over...)
***
But I guess I could still rope him. Being that I can only rope something that's not moving, there's a good chance I'll catch him.
***
I don't think he's gonna like being tied across the saddle much, tho.

 

[Star*]

Girl, I wasn't talking about tying him to a SADDLE....

Maybe you got rid of that pink dye too early.

I suggest a candle-lit (fake candles of course) dinner in the barn. Just you and him. Send the kids to 2 brooms, or 1 broom and do like that song says - you know the Big and Rich one I'm talking about????? Hmmmm. Save a horse.

If you want a little spark back in your life sometimes you have to be a little flint.

 

[Shari]

That would still involve a rope. And at least a sled.

Gotta get him to the barn somehow...

 

[DaisyFace]

Gotta get him to the barn somehow...

Move the TV!!!

 

[Shari]

He did get me a laptop for christmas...and i got a wireless router....

 

[Shari]

Alright alright alright...

ladies....i'm with ya here.

but to hades with the barn

its 2 degrees here today.

and my barn is holey....