Nothing like a little anger to get over being sad....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by PatriotsGirl, Aug 26, 2011.

  1. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    So difficult child's PO called me yesterday. She told me if difficult child turns herself in on a Wednesday, she will only spend one night in juvie and then go to court the following day. She told me she will recommend to the judge that she continue on the same probation. She will consider community service completed (because she did do it all, she just lost the log), and the only thing difficult child will have to do is the drug and alcohol classes once a week and then she is free and clear. Easy peasy right?? So I text difficult child and let her know the deal she is being offered. The response I get??? "Um, that is what would happen if I got caught". I tell her no, if she gets caught, PO could recommend tme in lock up. I told her she would be pure dumb not to take the deal and get it taken care of. No response.

    So, I flew back in to Atlanta last night and I am texting difficult child to find out where I needed to pick her up today. I took today off to bring her to the doctor because she is having female issues. No response from her at all. Nothing. I remind her that I took the day off for her. Nothing. I check the phone records this morning and she was on the phone all night long. But she couldn't be bothered to reply to me. So I text her asking if she was really blowing me off after I took the day off. (I didn't get home from the airport until after midnight last night so I am glad I am not going in anyway, but that is not the point!) She replies that she is trying to get a ride to the area, and that she needs to shower because she looks rough. Well, obviously, she was up all night and my guess is she was probably using. She then tells me that she is nervous I am going to turn her in. I told her I am not turning her in. She needs to do that herself because it was the smart thing to do. I then told her that I am just trying to help her take steps to fix her issues and build a life for herself other than drugs and crime. I also told her that if she is choosing to continue living the way she is, that there is nothing else I can do for her. I will support her in every way when she chooses to do the right thing. I ask her to please tell me if she plans on going to the doctor because I need to know whether to start getting ready or not. I told her I would drive out there to pick her up. If not, my butt is going to sit here and enjoy my coffee....

    No response. Nothing. I sent a text of ????????????????. Still, nothing. So I text her back saying I am assuming she is not going to the doctor. Nothing.

    I know I really don't want to see her right now anyway. I have a feeling she has been using and I don't want anything to do with that. Dealing with her when she has used is living hades. Thankfully the bartending school certificate I bought for her 18th birthday is good until February. Hopefully she pulls her head out of her butt before then. Otherwise, my husband said he will use it so it doesn't go to waste. I am SO mad right now I could spit nails. So much for feeling sad and crying over the life difficult child has chose for herself. I am too mad to be sad. Thanks difficult child.
  2. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    Anger seems to be a great tool to help with detachment. {{{Hugs}}}
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Another sad example of "you can lead the horse to water but you can't make him drink". How frustrating! on the other hand, if she is using now she may realize that she is going to be drug tested when she turns herself in...and likely those results could up the ante with the PO. Depending on what she's using it will take some time for her system to get clean. Ugh!

    If that is the case I would assume (if she's grasping the golden opportunity PO is offering) she could stipulate a date to turn herself in. Alot of kids do that around here. They call and say "whatever ?? is going on this week which makes it impossible for me to check in right now, I appreciate your offer and want to accept it, may I turn myself in on X?" All addicts are natural liars so what she says is not your concern. on the other hand, if she is deeply into her addiction I guess she'll have to just pay the consequence for not accepting the offer.

    Personally I'm glad you are chapped off instead of heartbroken. It's much easier to deal with. Hugs DDD
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    PG yep anger has a way of melting the softness you were feeling. I hate to say this and please know I say it with the utmost concern for you and your well being. Bartending school is not going to help her. An addict is an addict is an addict. It does not matter what their drug of choice is. When an addict stops using they also cannot drink. That was something I was surprised to hear in our parent classes. They also cannot be anywhere near a bar, restaurant that serves alcohol, catered event where they would need a bartender, etc. It will set off all kinds of triggers for them. Even if she does not have a problem with alcohol it is a substance that alters your mind and it will lead to drug use if she is an addict.

    Of course she isn't going to turn herself in. She is terrified she will have to undergo drug testing and she has no interest in drug classes that try to get her to stop doing something she can't stop right now.

    I'm sorry she blew you off. My difficult child did that to me many times. The last time I had to pay for a missed doctor appointment I told her I would not make any more appointments for her and it was her responsibility now.

    Her only hope is to reach bottom and want help. I am praying that happens soon for both of you. Until then you have to take care of yourself and find some way to enjoy your life without chaos.

  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Anger is great for detachment.

    I'm guessing she was using all night and is sleeping today, therefore can't be bothered with docs or anything else as she's wiped out.

    Katie has this same behavior, whether is is actually using or not.

    She's lucky to have gotten such a nice deal. But some people just have to learn the hardest way possible. Frustrating, but not much you can do about it.
  6. Bean

    Bean Member

    Totally understand your frustration and anger. I'm usually angry and then the sadness sets in later. These kids are FRUSTRATING and heartbreaking. Enjoy your coffee. Try not to think about her, if you can. I know it is hard though. I've totally been there with the situation you are in, taking time out of MY day to help HER and she can't condescend to stop using for a day to tow her end of the line. And the day after using she is a beast. Kind of like today, methinks... :groan:

    Hang in there, hon.
  7. NervousNelly

    NervousNelly New Member

    Mine does the same thing. Just when I'm feeling soooo bad for her, she pulls some stupid stunt and I get really angry. Man, it's like being on a teeter totter on a roller coaster!

  8. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    I love that one! Going to steal it and use it often! Best description yet of life with a difficult child.
  9. Blondiesbf

    Blondiesbf New Member

    Yup. The anger certainly negates the sad! But you can't stay angry forever.

    Bean, I totally relate. Trying to study for a test on 6 Sep is challenging as my mind inevitably wanders to thoughts of difficult child.

  10. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Uh oh, her PO just called and told me that difficult child is getting a new PO, for what it was worth. I didn't think to ask why - I was busy being let down because I thought she was calling to say they had difficult Anyhow, I texted difficult child to let her know and she asked why (after not responding to ANY of my other texts lately)....I told her that I didn't know and she said to let her know. I told her I was off the phone and had no reason to talk to PO again. After 39 more days, I am out of it completely. :)

    Hmmm, she seems a bit concerned with this tidbit of information. So I thought I would take advantage and let her know this may not be a good thing for her. The next PO may not offer what her current one did and she could end up doing time once caught.

    ** I did just call PO back to ask why (didn't know if maybe she was retiring and I have really liked this lady) and she told me nothing was getting done with her on the case, so they were putting someone else on. I am assuming they are starting to up the ante because she is so close to turning 18. Yup, not good for difficult child and told her so. I told her, again, that the best thing for her to do was get this cleared up asap. That it does not just "go away".....

    No response. Shocker.