Now onto the other....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by timer lady, Jun 8, 2007.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    tweedle. wm is verbally abusive toward me during phone calls. I haven't seen him since the mother's day debacle & the following therapist appointment.

    Let me just say I love wm. And I'd like to add that I really don't miss him. husband is quite upset over my attitude yet he agrees that wm's attitude/actions toward me are deplorable.

    wm is as or more stuck than kt. And it is everyone else's fault. His last phone call (during which I hung up on him), was full of piteous whines; it's all kt fault because she gets to live here & he doesn't. wm cannot/will not acknowledge his part in our being a family of different addresses.

    Having said that, I find myself missing wm less & less. I have very little desire to visit my son. I do visit - mostly because that is what is expected of motherhood.

    For those of you who have been there done that.....do you get over this?
     
  2. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I dont know...I know a week or so ago, I acknowledged to boyfriend that I do not feel love for ant lately. I also do not need to see him. He seems more and more like he needs to see or talk to me.

    they kill your emotions so much, I think our withdraw from them is a natural self protective mode-a phase we will move in and out of thru their lives.

    ant's birthday is next friday. I will take him and his son to dinner, but then again I do not feel the warmth for him that I have for his brother, my easy child son. after all, we are only human. once the pain of wm's words and whining passes and you are given a break, you will once more warm up to him again.

    we do have some happy memories of our kids but they cloud them with their actions and words at times.
     
  3. On_Call

    On_Call New Member

    I think it's totally understandable that you have gone into a sort of protection mode, Linda. The verbal abuse is tiring. It's not something anyone would miss. And the fact that so many of our difficult children for some reason think that everything is always someone's elses fault is maddening.

    I know you love wm, but you don't have to appreciate everything about him to still love him. I get that.

    With difficult child being hospitalized for a month in the fall and most recently for another month, we realized just how much we alter our day-to-day living to coordinate with his ever-changing moods and behaviors. It's exhaustive. When that piece is removed from the puzzle - even temporarily - it's a completely different existance.

    I, too, sometimes feel like I'm just going through the expected motions - many times devoid of the feelings I know I should be having. It's a completely different mode of operation, but one that any battle weary parent would understand.

    Not to mention that you have got all the issues that surround kt, too - and her damaged relationship with wm just compounds the situation. I'm only dealing with one difficult child - you are dealing with two of the same age, etc.

    Whatever you do, don't be too hard on yourself for feeling this way.

    Sending extra {{{hugs}}} to you.
     
  4. guest3

    guest3 Guest

    I feel guilty about thinking how peaceful it would be here without difficult child II (if he is hospitilized) I think they're all natural feelings and we do need to protect ourselves.
     
  5. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    Linda,

    Lots of times I just want my difficult children out of my house!!! When difficult child 1 was hospitalized several years ago, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I was happy he was out of the house!!! husband was furious with me for feeling this way. When difficult child 1 spent three weeks out of my house last summer, I was thrilled!!! I didn't miss him at all. The constant verbal abuse, not feeling safe with him in the house, and having to cook, clean, etc... for him with absolutely no thanks or appreciation from him wears me down.

    I understand how you feel. I love my difficult children, want them to have every opportunity for success in life, and, yet, I DO NOT want to live with them. I think that these are normal feelings. I think that people who don't or can't acknowledge these feelings, can end up carrying around lots of guilt and suffer emotionally because of this. I have seen this happen in my extended family.

    Honestly, I don't know how to get over this. I also do lots of things for my difficult children because, as you put it, that is what is expected of motherhood. All I know is that I truly think these feelings are normal. After all, we are human beings too!!! We deserve to be happy too!!! Only those with difficult children can understand this!!! WFEN
     
  6. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    I guess it depends on what you mean by "get over it". I have to admit (guiltily) that since he's been in this Residential Treatment Center (RTC) placement, I don't really miss thank you; by that, I mean I'm not pining away and am certainly no longer falling into that "when he comes home, we'll..." fantasy. Heaven knows, I don't miss the violence, the mouth, the over the top tension that was our lives when he lived here. I don't miss the pcs fear of their brother. First 2 RTCs, I visited at least every other weekend, at *least*. Now, my willingness to schlep 1.5-2 hours up there to "visit" is much less and I often just stay home while while husband goes up there either alone or with- the rest of the kids.

    I love thank you with my heart and soul, still melt when I see the face of my son. But I'm just not willing to continue to schedule my life, and my family's life, around his visits. We've been doing this too doggone long.

    Maybe I'm selfish. Well, ok, truth time - I *am* selfish. I've gotten to the point where I want something in return, which really isn't a terribly motherly emotion but... there it is. I resent his "gimme, gimme, gimme" attitude, I resent being a wallet and a diversion. I resent that after 7 years of blood, sweat, and tears, it's pretty clear that he will not be returning home and *he's* really not terribly concerned about it. It's all about him except when his circumstances are the fault of everyone *but* him.

    in my humble opinion, Linda, I think our minds/hearts evolve as time goes by and our kids get older and are still out of the home. As our expectations of them must change with age, as we *must* learn how to quit telling them what to do and shift the decision making and responsibility to their shoulders, I think our expectations of ourselves also have to change. How long do we keep going back daily/weekly/monthly for the abuse? I'm certainly not suggesting stopping contact, but I think diluting it is... well, if you think about it, it would be happening if the tweedles were the most well-adjusted mentally healthy kids in the world and were living at home. Part of that whole teen thing is the transition to more independence on their part, separating more from the family unit, as well as parents stepping back a bit more. While on the surface, there's not a hair of normalcy about our situation, on the other hand I think maybe our feelings are in the realm of normal although driven by less normal circumstances. Does that make sense?

    Your situation is incredibly compounded because you've got kt at home and it certainly does make sense in a very difficult child way that wm would feel excluded. Just from experience with- thank you, the next several years need to be spent reinforcing ad nausem (think we can get a deal on bulk loop recorders????) that it's not about kt or you or husband. It really is all about wm and his choices and the control that *only* he has over the quality of his life. You can't fix it. Only he can.

    You know I don't for a second think there's anything wrong with- setting reasonable boundaries for social behavior, regardless of diagnosis or medications or whatever. If our kids are ever going to participate in an unlocked community, they need to treat people decently and that includes us.

    Oops - your question. I hope the sense of duty in terms of visiting changes back to just the joy of seeing our kids when our kids start treating us better and quit blaming us and everyone else for their situation, as well as start getting invested in their lives and really living them as opposed to the mere existence that thank you at least seems to have engaged in for most of the past 7 years. Until then, here anyway, I do what I'm supposed to do (like you and so many other parents on the board) because that's my job. And I wait.
     
  7. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    My ex was a major difficult child. For that matter, still is.

    His mother loves him. And his mother deplores his actions - towards women, responsibility, holding a job, blaming me for our split, abandoning his kids, the list goes on. Shortly after he left, she told me she'd rather have me and the kids with her at holidays than him, tho she'd adamantly deny that statement if it ever got out.

    She and her husband planned for her to be a stay-at-home mom when the boys were little. My ex'es behavior is the reason she returned to work when he was 4.

    My ex still is very much a difficult child, and his mother is very good at splitting actions from the person. If the difficult child-ness ever stopped, I think she'd be able to get over it. As it is, she loves her son, but she'd like to close the door.

    He is 38.
     
  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I totally think it's a normal feeling. That verbal abuse is so wearing and I think it's normal to not want to put ourselves in that situation (the not wanting to visit). It's also hard when they don't want to accept any responsibility. Hugs.
     
  9. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    It's been incredibly frustrating watching wm sabotage every intervention & help we could find him. As Sue, said, he needs to learn this stuff.

    The sad part is that everyone likes wm; he's extremely charming & likeable. And it throws people off when that charm suddenly appears - "It's a miracle" wm is cured!

    Not likely. wm, whether he is aware of this or not, can turn it on & off with-o thought.

    Thanks, ladies. This too shall pass.
     
  10. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I can certainly understand your feelings on this. When difficult child is gone to a friends, I don't miss her. I don't look forward to her coming home. Sometimes I dread it - she wasn't away long enough. Then I wonder how long she would have to be away for it to be long enough that I miss her. A long, long time I think. Then I think I should feel guilty and horrible for thinking that way. But I don't. Isn't that terrible? My daughter is my heart and there is nothing I wouldn't do for her. It's odd how that can be such a separate thing from missing her.

    One of the reasons I don't mind her having friends over so often is because it keeps her occupied and away from battling with me. This kid can and does battle absolutely everything. She'll even go check when I say we're out of something...like I would lie to her. It's exhausting. Why would I miss that?

    (((HUGS))))
     
Loading...