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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 542862" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Thank you everyone for your kind replies. I feel as if I am in the middle of my own addiction process, addicted to rescuing! Last night as I was reading posts on this site, my difficult child's roommate called to let me know that she had just given my difficult child 30 days notice to leave. I have no idea why she called me, but I managed to get off the phone quickly, she is very toxic. The urge to call my difficult child and find out what happened and then of course be pulled into the drama and have to use all my strength to pull out, was so STRONG. I resisted. I managed to get to bed without calling. Got up this morning thinking about her and still haven't called. Whew!</p><p></p><p>This is what I do everyday now. Don't act the way I used to act, don't do what I used to do, don't do what comes naturally. I have to fight my own reactions. I'm noticing that the thoughts I have are often about my difficult child, just this ruminating about her life and how I could help, or what she could do, or how it should go, yikes, it's like a loop I get in and have trouble getting out of. So, now I'm noticing the thoughts and forcing myself to think of something else. A good example of this is the other day I was thinking about buying my granddaughter a car, which is something we're all talking about doing now that she drives. So, the next thought I have is, Gee, difficult child is going to need a car................and I begin thinking about the ins and outs of that. But, I caught myself and thought, wait a minute, why don't I think about buying myself something, or just thinking about me. It reminded me of my last private therapy session where I was telling her about how I added up all the money I spent on difficult child in the last 6 months. It is substantial. She said, "if you had that money to spend on you what would you spend it on?" Gee, it was fun to think about that, I came up with cool stuff I could have purchased or weekend jaunts, or just what I could have done. I'm so spring loaded to help, to rescue, to think of the needs of others. So, since then I've been watching those thoughts and when I find myself ruminating about difficult child's life, I go do something, change the scenery, think different thoughts, pull myself away from thinking about difficult child and think about me, or fun stuff, or going shopping, anything really. I know that repetitive thoughts create patterns in the brain and if you think about something all the time, your brain begins to naturally go down those paths. Well, I also know you can change that, so I am training my brain to go down a different path now. It's not easy. It's like a run-a-way train in my brain!</p><p></p><p>I am noticing that it is getting easier though. It's a real effort now, but having had so much therapy, I also know that's the way change happens. At first it's a new thought you have to give attention to, you have to make an effort to shift the thinking. But, one day, lo and behold, you aren't doing that anymore, you are naturally in the new way of thinking. Yikes. This one is a big one for me. It's not only shifting my internal focus from my difficult child to myself, it's shifting my thinking in general from so many years of rescuing those unstable folks, it's become a pattern now, my brain goes down that same tried and true path. I've got my machete in hand, arduously forging a new path through this dense forest in my brain. Geez, this is hard work! The other part of it is that once I do that, it's as if it takes my brain a few minutes to calm down and refocus. I saw this yesterday when difficult child called me right before I left the house for work. I had to limit the interaction because it was becoming stressful to listen. I got off the phone and left feeling so strange, agitated, foggy, on shaky ground. It's a 10 minute drive to work and once I got there, I felt fine. In fact, more then fine, because I saw that I made a change in the behavior and felt good about it. I went on with my day and didn't think about difficult child for quite a long time. It seems in changing the behaviors, the brain needs a few minutes to reboot, and in that time I have to hold on and not respond in the old way. But, it passes quickly.</p><p></p><p>This has been a lot of work for me. Not only just dealing with the endless angst of having a mentally ill daughter, but to find my way through all of it so that my life is not overtaken completely by the mental illness. There are so many feelings to work through, guilt, sorrow, resentment, anger, disappointment, it's such a strange process. However, with a lot of support, AND a very strong commitment to change it, AND my daughter's new found ability to somewhat control her thinking, I believe I can have peace, joy and a life free of drama. I feel very grateful right now.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 542862, member: 13542"] Thank you everyone for your kind replies. I feel as if I am in the middle of my own addiction process, addicted to rescuing! Last night as I was reading posts on this site, my difficult child's roommate called to let me know that she had just given my difficult child 30 days notice to leave. I have no idea why she called me, but I managed to get off the phone quickly, she is very toxic. The urge to call my difficult child and find out what happened and then of course be pulled into the drama and have to use all my strength to pull out, was so STRONG. I resisted. I managed to get to bed without calling. Got up this morning thinking about her and still haven't called. Whew! This is what I do everyday now. Don't act the way I used to act, don't do what I used to do, don't do what comes naturally. I have to fight my own reactions. I'm noticing that the thoughts I have are often about my difficult child, just this ruminating about her life and how I could help, or what she could do, or how it should go, yikes, it's like a loop I get in and have trouble getting out of. So, now I'm noticing the thoughts and forcing myself to think of something else. A good example of this is the other day I was thinking about buying my granddaughter a car, which is something we're all talking about doing now that she drives. So, the next thought I have is, Gee, difficult child is going to need a car................and I begin thinking about the ins and outs of that. But, I caught myself and thought, wait a minute, why don't I think about buying myself something, or just thinking about me. It reminded me of my last private therapy session where I was telling her about how I added up all the money I spent on difficult child in the last 6 months. It is substantial. She said, "if you had that money to spend on you what would you spend it on?" Gee, it was fun to think about that, I came up with cool stuff I could have purchased or weekend jaunts, or just what I could have done. I'm so spring loaded to help, to rescue, to think of the needs of others. So, since then I've been watching those thoughts and when I find myself ruminating about difficult child's life, I go do something, change the scenery, think different thoughts, pull myself away from thinking about difficult child and think about me, or fun stuff, or going shopping, anything really. I know that repetitive thoughts create patterns in the brain and if you think about something all the time, your brain begins to naturally go down those paths. Well, I also know you can change that, so I am training my brain to go down a different path now. It's not easy. It's like a run-a-way train in my brain! I am noticing that it is getting easier though. It's a real effort now, but having had so much therapy, I also know that's the way change happens. At first it's a new thought you have to give attention to, you have to make an effort to shift the thinking. But, one day, lo and behold, you aren't doing that anymore, you are naturally in the new way of thinking. Yikes. This one is a big one for me. It's not only shifting my internal focus from my difficult child to myself, it's shifting my thinking in general from so many years of rescuing those unstable folks, it's become a pattern now, my brain goes down that same tried and true path. I've got my machete in hand, arduously forging a new path through this dense forest in my brain. Geez, this is hard work! The other part of it is that once I do that, it's as if it takes my brain a few minutes to calm down and refocus. I saw this yesterday when difficult child called me right before I left the house for work. I had to limit the interaction because it was becoming stressful to listen. I got off the phone and left feeling so strange, agitated, foggy, on shaky ground. It's a 10 minute drive to work and once I got there, I felt fine. In fact, more then fine, because I saw that I made a change in the behavior and felt good about it. I went on with my day and didn't think about difficult child for quite a long time. It seems in changing the behaviors, the brain needs a few minutes to reboot, and in that time I have to hold on and not respond in the old way. But, it passes quickly. This has been a lot of work for me. Not only just dealing with the endless angst of having a mentally ill daughter, but to find my way through all of it so that my life is not overtaken completely by the mental illness. There are so many feelings to work through, guilt, sorrow, resentment, anger, disappointment, it's such a strange process. However, with a lot of support, AND a very strong commitment to change it, AND my daughter's new found ability to somewhat control her thinking, I believe I can have peace, joy and a life free of drama. I feel very grateful right now. [/QUOTE]
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