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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 649449" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>INHH---Welcome to the forum and my heart was hurting, reading your story. It still makes us shake our heads in bewilderment, doesn't it? I guess we will never "get used" to reading these stories---they are all a little different, but basically the very same.</p><p></p><p>So we understand here. Please let that sink in, right now. We get it.</p><p></p><p>I'm so sorry for your pain and the tremendous work you have done to try to help your son. Like you said, disengage from him---we call it detachment with love---that is the best thing for you and for him right now. </p><p></p><p>I also want to call attention to the "mostly" word you wrote there. Please know this: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. In Al-Anon we call that the Three Cs. Often, when we---mothers especially---start to lean toward the age-old question? What did I possibly do/not do to contribute to this or cause this? We need to be reminded that this is not about us. </p><p></p><p>This is about the primary disease of mental illness, in this case addiction. It is a disease that requires substantive treatment by professionals over a long period of time and it's characterized by relapse. But first of all, the person afflicted with it has to want to change. </p><p></p><p>Until that desire to change occurs, all of the help and good will and love in the world won't change a single thing.</p><p></p><p>But you already know all of that. Please remember that this is not on you. </p><p></p><p>And right now, as others have said, the numbness you feel is a protective device for your hurting heart and soul. This type of pain is nearly unbearable and when we can't bear it any more, our Higher Power steps in and helps us. We go numb for a while.</p><p></p><p>Please consider some of the following tools, if you haven't already: Attend Al-Anon meetings. They are free and they are wonderful. Please go to at least six until you decide if Al-Anon is for you. Some excellent books are: Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and Boundaries by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend. You can purchase Courage to Change (Al-Anon) online. It is a great daily devotional and packed with meaning and practical help for the trauma we endure at the hands of our drug-addicted children.</p><p></p><p>Please start being very good and kind to yourself. Take it easy. Take a nap, a walk, coffee with friends, read a book, a bubble bath. These things sound very basic and maybe even kind of well, silly. But they are not. They are self-care. Most of us set ourselves aside for years as we do everything in our power to try to change our kids and their very sick behavior. We run ourselves into the ground. We need to stop that, and we need to start loving ourselves more. We need to be put first.</p><p></p><p>In fact, I call it the 51% rule. I am 51% most important and my son, difficult child, is 49%. For some reason, thinking about it that way really helped me see that I must start putting myself first for many reasons. </p><p></p><p>I hope you can continue to step away from this situation, even after the numbness passes. I can only begin to imagine how hard it must be to think about that precious baby in that bad situation, but beyond doing what you can and are able to do about that, I would work hard to detach from them---your son and his girlfriend---with love, meaning you love them but you set very clear and strong boundaries with them, to disengage as completely as possible. </p><p></p><p>Strong physical, emotional and mental boundaries. One of the first I ever set was letting my difficult child's calls go to voice mail. I never even considered doing that with my two children---even after they were grown. They called, and I dropped everything. The day I realized I could do that, was a very good day for me. Then, I could call him back---or not---when I was ready and on my game, instead of being caught off guard and unprepared. </p><p></p><p>It's the small things. Now is your time. You need to reclaim your own life, and realize that there is nothing you can do to save your son. If he is going to be saved, he will have to do it himself. Our role now in our adult children's lives, difficult child or easy child, is to provide love and encouragement. That's it. </p><p></p><p>Please know we are here for you. My prayers and my heart go out to you. Please keep posting.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 649449, member: 17542"] INHH---Welcome to the forum and my heart was hurting, reading your story. It still makes us shake our heads in bewilderment, doesn't it? I guess we will never "get used" to reading these stories---they are all a little different, but basically the very same. So we understand here. Please let that sink in, right now. We get it. I'm so sorry for your pain and the tremendous work you have done to try to help your son. Like you said, disengage from him---we call it detachment with love---that is the best thing for you and for him right now. I also want to call attention to the "mostly" word you wrote there. Please know this: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. In Al-Anon we call that the Three Cs. Often, when we---mothers especially---start to lean toward the age-old question? What did I possibly do/not do to contribute to this or cause this? We need to be reminded that this is not about us. This is about the primary disease of mental illness, in this case addiction. It is a disease that requires substantive treatment by professionals over a long period of time and it's characterized by relapse. But first of all, the person afflicted with it has to want to change. Until that desire to change occurs, all of the help and good will and love in the world won't change a single thing. But you already know all of that. Please remember that this is not on you. And right now, as others have said, the numbness you feel is a protective device for your hurting heart and soul. This type of pain is nearly unbearable and when we can't bear it any more, our Higher Power steps in and helps us. We go numb for a while. Please consider some of the following tools, if you haven't already: Attend Al-Anon meetings. They are free and they are wonderful. Please go to at least six until you decide if Al-Anon is for you. Some excellent books are: Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and Boundaries by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend. You can purchase Courage to Change (Al-Anon) online. It is a great daily devotional and packed with meaning and practical help for the trauma we endure at the hands of our drug-addicted children. Please start being very good and kind to yourself. Take it easy. Take a nap, a walk, coffee with friends, read a book, a bubble bath. These things sound very basic and maybe even kind of well, silly. But they are not. They are self-care. Most of us set ourselves aside for years as we do everything in our power to try to change our kids and their very sick behavior. We run ourselves into the ground. We need to stop that, and we need to start loving ourselves more. We need to be put first. In fact, I call it the 51% rule. I am 51% most important and my son, difficult child, is 49%. For some reason, thinking about it that way really helped me see that I must start putting myself first for many reasons. I hope you can continue to step away from this situation, even after the numbness passes. I can only begin to imagine how hard it must be to think about that precious baby in that bad situation, but beyond doing what you can and are able to do about that, I would work hard to detach from them---your son and his girlfriend---with love, meaning you love them but you set very clear and strong boundaries with them, to disengage as completely as possible. Strong physical, emotional and mental boundaries. One of the first I ever set was letting my difficult child's calls go to voice mail. I never even considered doing that with my two children---even after they were grown. They called, and I dropped everything. The day I realized I could do that, was a very good day for me. Then, I could call him back---or not---when I was ready and on my game, instead of being caught off guard and unprepared. It's the small things. Now is your time. You need to reclaim your own life, and realize that there is nothing you can do to save your son. If he is going to be saved, he will have to do it himself. Our role now in our adult children's lives, difficult child or easy child, is to provide love and encouragement. That's it. Please know we are here for you. My prayers and my heart go out to you. Please keep posting. [/QUOTE]
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