O.M.G.--what a piece of work

[TerryJ2]

I called difficult child's bio-grandmother tonight, S, to tell her that we are having lunch at the house on the 10th for his birthday and she, R (bmom) and D (half brother) are invited.
Somehow, several mo's ago when she spoke on the phone to husband, and she asked how difficult child was feeling, husband thought she knew about difficult child's Asperger's. Nope.
He told her about it, briefly, and then said he was on Adderal/Concerta, and I just waited for the other shoe to drop. (husband felt that she had entrapped him and she acted like she knew more than she did, and he apologized to me. Only so I
wouldn't kill him.)
She never called back like I expected.
Well, I got an earful last night.
I think I was talking to my older sister by mistake. No matter what, everyone else is wrong and whatever she found on the Internet was right.
Long story short, according to S, every single thing that is listed as an Asperger trait is also attributable to adoption trauma, which can all be resolved by having her go outside with him for a little walk, (good luck with that) and tell him that he was placed with-us because they loved him and wanted a 2-parent household, not because they didn't love him. (Never mind everyone has told him that umpteen gazillion times.)

She also said she thought he looked and acted zoned out when they had dinner with-us last yr at the sushi bar, and hinted that it was his medication. I told her it wears off around 3 p.m. and that he can have an attitude. "Oh, no,
this was completely different. So I think he's got issues blah blah blah ..."
Then she went into a religious group she joined that finds someplace in the Bible that says "the sins of the fathers go back 10 generations," so until difficult child finds spiritual peace, he will be having serious issues.
I just listened and let her wear herself out (Sudoku comes in handy, as does hot apple cider and a doodle pad).

The one good thing she said was that after watching her family with-D, and how much time (or how little time) R has spent with-D, and the difficulties they've had with-a single-parent household, they absolutely made the right decision
to place difficult child with us.
So I just thanked her for that and tried to zip my lip about everything else.
There were times when she was so off-center I felt like I was talking to my cousin, P, the one with-dementia. Seriously. She never took a breath and was in her own little world.
by the way, R works for Verizon and they are moving their offices from their city to ours, so she has been driving up here for a few wks. Sigh.

I told difficult child that I had spoken to Nana S, and that she knows he is on Concerta, but if she asks him personal questions, it's up to him if he wants to tell her, but that he is in no way obligated to.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhh!
Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

I'm going to go poke myself in the eye with a pencil now. Just for comparative purposes.

 

[AnnieO]

Relatives are so much fun, aren't they?!

 

[klmno]

It sounds like she's making the typical assumptions one would in a situation like this, without realizing how much you've gone thru in the past to get to the 'real' issues. I think I'd 'ok' her having the time alone with him to tell her what she wants to tell him- what can it hurt? And maybe it would make a difference for him to hear it directly from her, even if that isn't at the bottom of his problems. At least in her own way, she is trying to be supportive of your parenting and not fighting the outcome of the adoption.

 

[TerryJ2]

I suppose I could view it that way. It's just hard not to view her as a know-it-all.
We only see them once a yr, so I just bite the bullet.

 

[buddy]

Yes, if it wouldn't hurt him, klmno is probably on to something. Of course you, we, the rest of the difficult child world knows that is not going to make it all better. Sadly, many difficult child symptoms are typical kid symptoms. Where people dont understand our lives is the degree, pattern, resistance to typical parenting, etc. And I do believe that for my kid anyway, some of his adoption issues do make things harder. But they could be 100% resolved and it wouldn't take away the autism. His ability to interpret things and see the sides of those around him and the reasons for the adoption are truly compromised by his Aspergers, but doesn't mean it is impossible, let he try I guess unless she says something like you dont really have Aspergers, you dont need the medications, the medications are hurting you and making you seem zoned out etc. .... I hope she is not that kind of person but I dont know the story enough. Sounds like you have good reason to not want too much contact and involvement.

Sorry they are trying to arm chair parent. Not fair to you.

 

[TerryJ2]

unless she says something like you dont really have Aspergers, you dont need the medications, the medications are hurting you and making you seem zoned out etc. .... I hope she is not that kind of person

She is. But I suspect difficult child will call her on it. He can be very blunt. We shall see ...

 

[buddy]

wow, that's actually kind of cool that he would advocate for himself. Q will sometimes tell people, dont you know God made me like this, or I am trying my best, can't you see that? or I have special needs... he is not trying to make an excuse but people see it that way.... It is the only way he can explain why he is having such a hard time at that point.

 

[BusynMember]

wow. Your post made me secretly glad that Jumper's birthparents never took us up on the offer to see her. Although her birthmother is very level-headed, you never know about extended relatives. I think you handled it very well.

 

[TerryJ2]

Thank you. Don't know how long I can keep it up, though.
husband said he's going to take a walk along with-Grandma. Doesn't like the idea that she's planning on putting weird ideas into difficult child's head about how the sins of the fathers go back 10 generations. He is very religious but he's not that fanatic. I mean, she really believes that you can be inhabited by a bad spirit.
Sigh.

 

[tiredmommy]

I love the doodle pad comment... I do the same thing when my dear aunt goes off on a tangent.