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O. M. G.
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 362801" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Jess should not be drawn into this, but she already has been. So yes, arm her against the expected manipulations from G'ma and bro.</p><p></p><p>As for the letters -keep them. Keep everything. Keep all messages. At some stage in the future you may need to take out a protection order and this evidence will be needed. Put it in a file somewhere, keep it safe then get on with your life. Hopefully you will never need those letters but if you still keep them somewhere, it's like an insurance policy.</p><p></p><p>I had a bloke stalk me and harass me in similar ways. I kept copies of it all, including copies of what he was saying about me, in writing, to others (usually his letters to others were accompanied with very strict instructions to destroy that correspondence - thankfully, not everybody did, but instead forwarded copies to me). So when things got too much I finally sent my stalker a letter. I said, "I do not want you to ever again communicate in writing with me or any member of my family. If you do, I will re-commence the legal action I am currently putting on hold. I have evidence here which I WILL use if you breach my conditions." I did not outline what evidence I had; but he must have known that not everything would have been destroyed. There was almost certainly far more than I ever was given copies of.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes, it is abuse. However, you can choose to not let it distress you. How it affects you is your choice. But it still is abuse. You can choose to ignore it, you can choose to minimise your exposure to it. But his behaviour is still unacceptable.</p><p></p><p>If I walk down the street and see a man exposing himself, I could be horrified and disgusted, I could be traumatised and need ongoing counselling to help me handle it. Or I could just shrug and chuckle to myself that perhaps the guy didn't really have anything to brag about. How I react to it is my choice; but what the man does in exposing himself is still offensive and socially unacceptable.</p><p></p><p>Your mother is unwittingly enabling your bro. Not surprising, really, he is so very controlling and she is taking the line of least resistance. He threatens to withdraw his love, he manipulates and controls and she can't stand up to him. She wants you to also submit to him because he is pressuring her to lean on you. You need to cut off not only contact with him, but make it clear to your parents that until he changes his ways and stops trying to manipulate you and blame you, you will not allow any discussion of him or any pressure from them about him, to be laid on your or your children.</p><p></p><p>It is OK to love your parents. It is also OK to even love your brother, but not want any contact with him. Not even second-hand contact via him pressuring them to make you do what he wants you to do.</p><p></p><p>The subject of your bro and what he wants or does, should now be off-limits between you and your parents. If they insist on bringing up the topic, or of trying to force you to make peace, show them the letters. Show them everything.</p><p></p><p>Another warning - be very careful what you say to anyone who is in communication with your bro. Any information you share with them will be passed on to him and he will twist it and use it against you. Do not share information about your health or the health of any family member. Mental health or physical health. No information about financial issues. In fact, do your best to not talk about yourselves at all. Instead, ask people about themselves. get them talking about their own problems and you become a good listener. It can be done - I succeeded. I had to cut off all personal communication even with my closest friends, in order to make sure I had cut off my stalker from all personal information about me. And I met him yesterday (in a large crowd, so I felt fairly safe, there were witnesses) so when he asked how I was, I told him about my cancer (since I have freely told everyone else in town). And, amazingly - he did not already know about it. So I know now, that I have successfully cut him off from being able to find out stuff about me. So now I can look back, remember the incidents when I heard stuff back that was badly twisted, and identify exactly who it was who talked about me (however innocently) and also look back to know who has NOT blabbed.</p><p></p><p>All very valuable knowledge!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 362801, member: 1991"] Jess should not be drawn into this, but she already has been. So yes, arm her against the expected manipulations from G'ma and bro. As for the letters -keep them. Keep everything. Keep all messages. At some stage in the future you may need to take out a protection order and this evidence will be needed. Put it in a file somewhere, keep it safe then get on with your life. Hopefully you will never need those letters but if you still keep them somewhere, it's like an insurance policy. I had a bloke stalk me and harass me in similar ways. I kept copies of it all, including copies of what he was saying about me, in writing, to others (usually his letters to others were accompanied with very strict instructions to destroy that correspondence - thankfully, not everybody did, but instead forwarded copies to me). So when things got too much I finally sent my stalker a letter. I said, "I do not want you to ever again communicate in writing with me or any member of my family. If you do, I will re-commence the legal action I am currently putting on hold. I have evidence here which I WILL use if you breach my conditions." I did not outline what evidence I had; but he must have known that not everything would have been destroyed. There was almost certainly far more than I ever was given copies of. Yes, it is abuse. However, you can choose to not let it distress you. How it affects you is your choice. But it still is abuse. You can choose to ignore it, you can choose to minimise your exposure to it. But his behaviour is still unacceptable. If I walk down the street and see a man exposing himself, I could be horrified and disgusted, I could be traumatised and need ongoing counselling to help me handle it. Or I could just shrug and chuckle to myself that perhaps the guy didn't really have anything to brag about. How I react to it is my choice; but what the man does in exposing himself is still offensive and socially unacceptable. Your mother is unwittingly enabling your bro. Not surprising, really, he is so very controlling and she is taking the line of least resistance. He threatens to withdraw his love, he manipulates and controls and she can't stand up to him. She wants you to also submit to him because he is pressuring her to lean on you. You need to cut off not only contact with him, but make it clear to your parents that until he changes his ways and stops trying to manipulate you and blame you, you will not allow any discussion of him or any pressure from them about him, to be laid on your or your children. It is OK to love your parents. It is also OK to even love your brother, but not want any contact with him. Not even second-hand contact via him pressuring them to make you do what he wants you to do. The subject of your bro and what he wants or does, should now be off-limits between you and your parents. If they insist on bringing up the topic, or of trying to force you to make peace, show them the letters. Show them everything. Another warning - be very careful what you say to anyone who is in communication with your bro. Any information you share with them will be passed on to him and he will twist it and use it against you. Do not share information about your health or the health of any family member. Mental health or physical health. No information about financial issues. In fact, do your best to not talk about yourselves at all. Instead, ask people about themselves. get them talking about their own problems and you become a good listener. It can be done - I succeeded. I had to cut off all personal communication even with my closest friends, in order to make sure I had cut off my stalker from all personal information about me. And I met him yesterday (in a large crowd, so I felt fairly safe, there were witnesses) so when he asked how I was, I told him about my cancer (since I have freely told everyone else in town). And, amazingly - he did not already know about it. So I know now, that I have successfully cut him off from being able to find out stuff about me. So now I can look back, remember the incidents when I heard stuff back that was badly twisted, and identify exactly who it was who talked about me (however innocently) and also look back to know who has NOT blabbed. All very valuable knowledge! Marg [/QUOTE]
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