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<blockquote data-quote="Mattsmom277" data-source="post: 362844" data-attributes="member: 4264"><p>Your brother sounds like my mother! And my mother, sounds like your brother. Complete role reversal, but same family dynamic. My mother treats me as your bro does you and yours, and my brother works overtime to try to smooth things over, keep me in the loop, prevent me from protecting myself and my kids from her etc. They are so codependent. I know what you are going through, it took me many attempts at withdrawing from my mothers world for it to "Stick". </p><p></p><p>I truly just had to personally get over the guilt trip I gave myself, all the "its your duty" or "she IS your mother" etc messages I heard over and over, and often were coming from my own mindset that was holding me back from living healthy and stopping the ongoing damage. I finally just reclaimed my right to live with dignity and respect in my relationships and flat our refused contact, for myself OR the kids. And the topic is off limits with my bro, Period. No drama, I just asserted to my bro that HIS relationship with our mother is HIS choice, and if it were different, I'd have one as well. But it is what it is, and I'm tired of being sick to death of her pain and the consequences of her actions, so it was not in the cards for me anymore. I let him know I respect his decision to engage with her, but he needed to respect mine, I would not participate in conversations about her anymore, period, ever. </p><p></p><p>At some point we have to assert our right to be adults, and make adult decisions about adult relationships. And that is a personal decision, not a collective decision that is decided by majority or a dictatorial role from a family member. I imagine it must be hard to contemplate the upset from your parents if you just said "nope, no discussion, period, off the table, I've moved on". I just think that this is doing you so much damage, you might have to come to a place in your life where you do indeed tell your parents kindly but firmly, that they need to stay out of your decision process and recognize that you have no desire for that sibling relationship and have opted out. And that they are not to discuss it with you, in the interest of preserving their relationship with you. </p><p></p><p>I wish I had some great wisdom to impart, families are so hard sometimes! I do send knowing hugs and understanding. You don't deserve this **** and your husband and kids don't either. We don't get to pick our blood family, and sometimes wouldn't be nice if we could? We do get to make a choice of how much we are willing to let go in our lives to preserve our sanity. My bro opted to have a different/altered but existant relationship with myself and my children rather than alienate my completely by refusing to respect my choice re: our mother. However that happened when I'd reached a point that I realized my mother needed to be exempt from our lives, and if that meant my brother was no longer in my life, that was a decision I'd have to cope with. It was a long and painful path to get to the place we're at now. I will keep you in my thoughts. You do deserve more than that. (((hugs)))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mattsmom277, post: 362844, member: 4264"] Your brother sounds like my mother! And my mother, sounds like your brother. Complete role reversal, but same family dynamic. My mother treats me as your bro does you and yours, and my brother works overtime to try to smooth things over, keep me in the loop, prevent me from protecting myself and my kids from her etc. They are so codependent. I know what you are going through, it took me many attempts at withdrawing from my mothers world for it to "Stick". I truly just had to personally get over the guilt trip I gave myself, all the "its your duty" or "she IS your mother" etc messages I heard over and over, and often were coming from my own mindset that was holding me back from living healthy and stopping the ongoing damage. I finally just reclaimed my right to live with dignity and respect in my relationships and flat our refused contact, for myself OR the kids. And the topic is off limits with my bro, Period. No drama, I just asserted to my bro that HIS relationship with our mother is HIS choice, and if it were different, I'd have one as well. But it is what it is, and I'm tired of being sick to death of her pain and the consequences of her actions, so it was not in the cards for me anymore. I let him know I respect his decision to engage with her, but he needed to respect mine, I would not participate in conversations about her anymore, period, ever. At some point we have to assert our right to be adults, and make adult decisions about adult relationships. And that is a personal decision, not a collective decision that is decided by majority or a dictatorial role from a family member. I imagine it must be hard to contemplate the upset from your parents if you just said "nope, no discussion, period, off the table, I've moved on". I just think that this is doing you so much damage, you might have to come to a place in your life where you do indeed tell your parents kindly but firmly, that they need to stay out of your decision process and recognize that you have no desire for that sibling relationship and have opted out. And that they are not to discuss it with you, in the interest of preserving their relationship with you. I wish I had some great wisdom to impart, families are so hard sometimes! I do send knowing hugs and understanding. You don't deserve this **** and your husband and kids don't either. We don't get to pick our blood family, and sometimes wouldn't be nice if we could? We do get to make a choice of how much we are willing to let go in our lives to preserve our sanity. My bro opted to have a different/altered but existant relationship with myself and my children rather than alienate my completely by refusing to respect my choice re: our mother. However that happened when I'd reached a point that I realized my mother needed to be exempt from our lives, and if that meant my brother was no longer in my life, that was a decision I'd have to cope with. It was a long and painful path to get to the place we're at now. I will keep you in my thoughts. You do deserve more than that. (((hugs))) [/QUOTE]
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