ODD 14 Year Old Boy Please Help

[needshelpfast]

Im the inlaw of a Odd/adhd/Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) 14 year old boy he is the most defiant little kid I have ever seen he does what he wants when he wants because his mom defends him even from his own father. He cant be disciplined by his dad because his mom says he has a mental disorder. He cusses at his dad when he tells him to do something but instead of him getting in trouble his dad does for telling him something . He makes up lies saying we tell him things but in reality he is the one that starts it. We cant eat dinner in peace because he starts making fun of someone and when they say something back they get in trouble even if his mom is right their watching. I honestly dont know what to do because its getting to a point where it affects not only himself but me and my husband with his lies . He thinks he is a gangster he dresses like one talks like one but acts so childish . He recently got in trouble for selling asprin is school and had to get on probation but his mom still doesnt discipline him. He knows no one can tell him anything because of his mom how can I get her to realize she is doing wrong by letting him get away with everything.. Im getting to that point where I want to back hand him but I know its wrong and it will only makes things worse . Im really desperate and dont know what to do please help.!

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Needs, welcome to our site and it shows your concern that you would search out help.

When a new poster comes to the board, we usually have more questions that answers or suggestions at first!

A couple questions and an observation from me. Your grandson is 14. What is his diagnosis since you say his mother indicates he has a mental disorder? Are there any other siblings in the house? Is he taking medication or regularly seeing a doctor of any sort? Other than selling aspirin, which I've not heard of, how does he do in school grade wise, socially, etc.? Is this behavior more recent (which could indicate drug use) or has this been a life-long struggle?

My observation, and I'm taking a leap here, is that dad needs to "man up". Why would a man, who clearly sees his son is in trouble, not step up to the plate and insist upon discipline or insist upon getting to the bottom of his son's issue?. Sounds like dad might need to take a more active parenting role. Maybe mom's heavy handedness and dad's lack of insistent involvement is part of the problem...

As the in-laws, there is not much you can do if mom is heavy handed. You can be there to support and understand the young man, perhaps offer this website to mom, but there's not much else you can do other than speak to your son about stepping up and doing the right thing by his son.

Again, welcome.

Sharon

 

[BusynMember]

What mental disorder does he have? Why do YOU have him for dinner? Where is Dad?

We really need more info, but this can sadly happen with teens, especially those from divorced homes or who had early chaos in his/her life. That affects the kids forever regarding attachment.

If you son does not have primary custody, there is not much he can do unless Mom says it's ok. And you sadly have no rights at all. I am leery of hanging this all on Mom. My son is going through a contentious custody battle and I know that t here are two sides to every story. This child may have been born wired differently making him less resilient to strife, which he obviously has experienced.

There are a lot of teens who do not respond to strict parenting and I seriously doubt if he is this way only because his mother in your opinion lets him get away with everything. Dad has a role in this as well and so do genes. Legally, there is nothing you can do other than exclude the child from dinner, but it's more important to get help than to blame his mom. He sounds like he is hurting and if he has mental illness, which IS possible, he needs good treatment.

Is he taking drugs?

You can not get through to Mom. You can only control one person...yourself. Everyone else is out of your hands. I would step back from the situation and realize you have no power here. It's the custodial, legal guardian who makes the rules. If Son wants to take his ex to court to try to get primary custody, he can but he'd need a good lawyer. Also, at Son's age, he has a lot to say about who he lives with. As you can see, the best thing you can do is to move on with your life, detach, and enjoy him when you can, when he is being nicer, and let your son and his ex work it out. Often in divorce one parent is strict and the other isn't and the child sees two different parenting styles, which is legal. You can talk to Mom, but you will probably be wasting your time.

If you hit this child, you are behaving worse than Mom and she could decide you can't see him. In most states, Grandparents have no rights. I've looked it up since I'm a Grandparent.

Sorry you had to find out. Welcome to the board.