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Of course he makes me feel guilty
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 71399" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Karen, </p><p></p><p>I (by comoparison) was in a hideously abusive marriage for 13 years. At 10 years he planned this entire renewing vows without me. He even involved our son in it and told him his role was the most important - he was the ring bearer. The reason he did it without me is because he figured if I knew I would say no and stop the plans. What he didn't count on was the fact that I said no anyway the day before the whole thing went down. My son was pre-programmed to belive I was the devil if I didn't go through with it, was told that if I didn't it meant that he was never wanted in our marriage, and a bunch of other crap you would not believe if I wrote it down. </p><p></p><p>I think it was at that moment that I had the first "For myself" thought in 10 years. Everything else in my marriage revolved around him, his addiction, his affairs, his drinking, his recovery, his wanting to be a better person, never to do drugs again, never to have another affair, never to take another drink which was the beginning of it all. His mantra "If you weren't like you were I would never drink, and YOU KNOW that when I drink I go looking for drugs and when I get drugs I seem to attract 'those' kinds of women and then I just don't want to come home for 2 weeks because I feel guilty then I come home, you are upset and I beat the hell out of you." But in the mean time YOU Star, take care of the house, the child, the bills, the world..I heard it over and over for 10 years. I stuck it out another 3 years and probably COULD have salvaged my marriage if even one time he stuck to anything he promised. But he never did. </p><p></p><p>In my head at 10 years? I was already gone, the love didn't exist unless I initiated it. The sex did, but that's not necessarily love. I sought counseling and hid it from my x. He would have flipped so I told him I needed a night out to drink. Counseling he did not understand. THAT was ME telling the world our problems. But lying and saying I needed a night in a bar drinking? Ok. The counseling was bad. At one point I KNEW the counselor wasn't paying attention to me so i said dumb outrageous stuff like. And then the monkey climed the flag pole and ate oreos. And she would nod and I said "You know?" and she would say "Of course. So I got another counselor (after I told the other counselors boss how intent she had been for 3 weeks) and this one paid attention and didn't say "AND HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?" (believe me I had a standard answer it was It makes me feel like GOLD) </p><p></p><p>In therapy I started to find the reasons WHY I felt it was acceptable in my life to settle for the behavior that I had once found appealing in my x. I discovered that a lot of it was from childhood, from being adopted, from self worth. I had a ton of self-confidence, but it's not the same as self-worth. I gathered up the courage to formulate a plan with the local battered womens shelter and belive me - battered isn't just hit, or pushed or punched or worse. It's exactly what YOU are going through too. Emotional and verbal abuse. I learned that I wasn't my husbands baby sitter, or problem fixer. I learned that his problems were huge and at his age unless he had an epiphany there wasn't much hope. </p><p></p><p>I thought...well stick it out. Ask for him to go to counseling. And he agreed. I was floored. But he was manipulative and sneaky and managed to get our son out of the home and to his mom. SHE was the original manipulator. With my son gone I was convinced by both there would be time to go to counseling and heal. I thought we were on the mend. He was planning to leave now that his mom had my son. And he did. I finally left my home, job, and went to join him 1000 miles away only to pull up in my Uhaul with car trailer in time to see a girl leaving the house. From there I put the rest of MY plan into action. </p><p></p><p>I asked for a divorce and left without my son and nothing. I was put out on the freeway literally - he drove me part way to the bus station stopped the car and opened the door and screamed for me to get out - with no money. I figured it HAD to be better than living with him. So I got out. </p><p></p><p>It was months before I got my son back. In the mean time the things (all of them) that he used to do to me, he did to our son. My son is now 17 and very angry, hurt and disabled. We've both been in counseling for years due to what this man did. </p><p></p><p>However - the bright side to it all, was the through continued counseling I found my way, I found myself, and I'm not a bad person. I'm rather nice, have a giving heart, and I'm okay. I stayed for my son (WHAT an excuse) My son would have been better off if I had left and stayed gone on affair #??. He was an infant. The day I left the hospital with him? My x was with his 'woman'. She was WILD. She was ALL the things I'm not. And thank God for that. </p><p></p><p> I still have flashbacks....nightmares and the like, but the thing that I can't EVER get over is this: </p><p></p><p>I wasted 13 years of my life. I'm now 40ish and I ask myself daily WHAT IS YOUR LIFE WORTH? How is your health? Are you happy. Do you want to keep making the same poor choices that are insane or do you want to learn HOW to make choices that enrich your life and make Y-O-U happy. I chose to make me happy and in turn I found a few years later a man that said the sexiest thing about me was my brain. I'm a thinker, I've got my head on fairly straight, I don't make bad decisions for me based on what the rest of the world needs, because the world will go on. There is only ONE me. And Karen, there is only ONE you. </p><p></p><p>I did what I did, and despite my son's antics, I'm happier and I'm sure I'm living a better life for myself. My son will go on to have HIS OWN TIME to have a family, children and make his own decisions. He ended up with a fantastic and loving step Father that for the last 10 years has SHOWN him HOW to treat a woman. </p><p>For that I'm greatful. </p><p></p><p>Don't base your decisions on what your daughter says. Your husband did not harm her she'll always be daddies girl. But how is what he's doing affecting YOU? Your daughter will move on, grow up...have a life of her own to do with as she pleases. </p><p></p><p>Figure you are how old? How long do you expect to live? What are you going to do with the years left? Listen to excuses, baby sit an alcolhic with an itch for manipulating you into thinking he HAD to find another woman? If you want...so be it. </p><p></p><p>If you don't. You have some tough decisions to make. AFter all it IS your life. What are you going to do with the rest of it? </p><p></p><p>Huge Hugs and understanding. and I am in NO WAY making decisions for you. It's not MY life. I just told you what happened in my life. </p><p></p><p>ps. I've been out of my marriage for years and I found out recently that my x has beaten EVERY woman he's been with and crippled for life the boyfriend one of his x girlfriends was with because if she wasnt' going to be with him she wasn't going to be with anyone. He's also gotten worse on drugs, alcolhol, has no home, no job, no license and no job. He's 53. He has no future. I pray for him - it's all I can do. I pray mostly I can forgive what he's done to my son.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 71399, member: 4964"] Karen, I (by comoparison) was in a hideously abusive marriage for 13 years. At 10 years he planned this entire renewing vows without me. He even involved our son in it and told him his role was the most important - he was the ring bearer. The reason he did it without me is because he figured if I knew I would say no and stop the plans. What he didn't count on was the fact that I said no anyway the day before the whole thing went down. My son was pre-programmed to belive I was the devil if I didn't go through with it, was told that if I didn't it meant that he was never wanted in our marriage, and a bunch of other crap you would not believe if I wrote it down. I think it was at that moment that I had the first "For myself" thought in 10 years. Everything else in my marriage revolved around him, his addiction, his affairs, his drinking, his recovery, his wanting to be a better person, never to do drugs again, never to have another affair, never to take another drink which was the beginning of it all. His mantra "If you weren't like you were I would never drink, and YOU KNOW that when I drink I go looking for drugs and when I get drugs I seem to attract 'those' kinds of women and then I just don't want to come home for 2 weeks because I feel guilty then I come home, you are upset and I beat the hell out of you." But in the mean time YOU Star, take care of the house, the child, the bills, the world..I heard it over and over for 10 years. I stuck it out another 3 years and probably COULD have salvaged my marriage if even one time he stuck to anything he promised. But he never did. In my head at 10 years? I was already gone, the love didn't exist unless I initiated it. The sex did, but that's not necessarily love. I sought counseling and hid it from my x. He would have flipped so I told him I needed a night out to drink. Counseling he did not understand. THAT was ME telling the world our problems. But lying and saying I needed a night in a bar drinking? Ok. The counseling was bad. At one point I KNEW the counselor wasn't paying attention to me so i said dumb outrageous stuff like. And then the monkey climed the flag pole and ate oreos. And she would nod and I said "You know?" and she would say "Of course. So I got another counselor (after I told the other counselors boss how intent she had been for 3 weeks) and this one paid attention and didn't say "AND HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?" (believe me I had a standard answer it was It makes me feel like GOLD) In therapy I started to find the reasons WHY I felt it was acceptable in my life to settle for the behavior that I had once found appealing in my x. I discovered that a lot of it was from childhood, from being adopted, from self worth. I had a ton of self-confidence, but it's not the same as self-worth. I gathered up the courage to formulate a plan with the local battered womens shelter and belive me - battered isn't just hit, or pushed or punched or worse. It's exactly what YOU are going through too. Emotional and verbal abuse. I learned that I wasn't my husbands baby sitter, or problem fixer. I learned that his problems were huge and at his age unless he had an epiphany there wasn't much hope. I thought...well stick it out. Ask for him to go to counseling. And he agreed. I was floored. But he was manipulative and sneaky and managed to get our son out of the home and to his mom. SHE was the original manipulator. With my son gone I was convinced by both there would be time to go to counseling and heal. I thought we were on the mend. He was planning to leave now that his mom had my son. And he did. I finally left my home, job, and went to join him 1000 miles away only to pull up in my Uhaul with car trailer in time to see a girl leaving the house. From there I put the rest of MY plan into action. I asked for a divorce and left without my son and nothing. I was put out on the freeway literally - he drove me part way to the bus station stopped the car and opened the door and screamed for me to get out - with no money. I figured it HAD to be better than living with him. So I got out. It was months before I got my son back. In the mean time the things (all of them) that he used to do to me, he did to our son. My son is now 17 and very angry, hurt and disabled. We've both been in counseling for years due to what this man did. However - the bright side to it all, was the through continued counseling I found my way, I found myself, and I'm not a bad person. I'm rather nice, have a giving heart, and I'm okay. I stayed for my son (WHAT an excuse) My son would have been better off if I had left and stayed gone on affair #??. He was an infant. The day I left the hospital with him? My x was with his 'woman'. She was WILD. She was ALL the things I'm not. And thank God for that. I still have flashbacks....nightmares and the like, but the thing that I can't EVER get over is this: I wasted 13 years of my life. I'm now 40ish and I ask myself daily WHAT IS YOUR LIFE WORTH? How is your health? Are you happy. Do you want to keep making the same poor choices that are insane or do you want to learn HOW to make choices that enrich your life and make Y-O-U happy. I chose to make me happy and in turn I found a few years later a man that said the sexiest thing about me was my brain. I'm a thinker, I've got my head on fairly straight, I don't make bad decisions for me based on what the rest of the world needs, because the world will go on. There is only ONE me. And Karen, there is only ONE you. I did what I did, and despite my son's antics, I'm happier and I'm sure I'm living a better life for myself. My son will go on to have HIS OWN TIME to have a family, children and make his own decisions. He ended up with a fantastic and loving step Father that for the last 10 years has SHOWN him HOW to treat a woman. For that I'm greatful. Don't base your decisions on what your daughter says. Your husband did not harm her she'll always be daddies girl. But how is what he's doing affecting YOU? Your daughter will move on, grow up...have a life of her own to do with as she pleases. Figure you are how old? How long do you expect to live? What are you going to do with the years left? Listen to excuses, baby sit an alcolhic with an itch for manipulating you into thinking he HAD to find another woman? If you want...so be it. If you don't. You have some tough decisions to make. AFter all it IS your life. What are you going to do with the rest of it? Huge Hugs and understanding. and I am in NO WAY making decisions for you. It's not MY life. I just told you what happened in my life. ps. I've been out of my marriage for years and I found out recently that my x has beaten EVERY woman he's been with and crippled for life the boyfriend one of his x girlfriends was with because if she wasnt' going to be with him she wasn't going to be with anyone. He's also gotten worse on drugs, alcolhol, has no home, no job, no license and no job. He's 53. He has no future. I pray for him - it's all I can do. I pray mostly I can forgive what he's done to my son. [/QUOTE]
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