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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 649703" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>It isn't easy for the kids, either. I sometimes think they actually believe what they tell themselves. difficult child son is so vehemently certain the course his life has taken is our doing. There are echoes of accusation in difficult child daughter's assessment of the course her life has taken, too. If I listen too long, I wake up in that echoey place where nothing makes sense. It takes time for me to come back from that place. I have the comfort now though, of knowing for certain that I will come back.</p><p></p><p>So, I wait.</p><p></p><p>I am learning to nurture myself through it ~ through the waiting, I mean.</p><p></p><p>You handled everything well. I even think you displayed courage and grace under fire and my hat is off to you.</p><p></p><p>Good job. You told him you love him. You told him you believe in him.</p><p></p><p>You honored your curiosity about someone you love, though you knew it would hurt you, to know.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>We have no say about what they will hear, or about what they will do with that.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry your husband is ill, Tanya.</p><p></p><p>Nothing easy about any of this. Like me, I am sure you are relieved to have heard from your son, but torn up over what was said. </p><p></p><p>We learn all we can about how to do this ~ about how to survive it, really ~ and we do the best we know. We mark our own lives passing, and we make our choices, almost defiantly, to celebrate it all ~ to celebrate all that we do have ~ right in the face of the shadow of what has happened to our families. There are important things, things like phone calls from an adult child who cherishes you and wants to know you are doing well, or whether they can help, or when they are coming to visit with happy, healthy grands...none of those good, strengthening, validating events are happening for us. </p><p></p><p>And they are never going to happen.</p><p></p><p>And somehow, we have to be okay with that.</p><p></p><p>There was a post here once about how people who never had children function and find meaning in their lives. The answer, of course, was that they function extremely well, and that the meaning of their lives is what they make it. I think about that alot. I see that I can define the meaning of my life story, just as those who have chosen never to have children can.</p><p></p><p>And I take hope, there.</p><p></p><p>I don't know exactly how this is all going to look as I come through it.</p><p></p><p>The key suffering for those with troubled children is guilt. That is the thing those who never had children are not carting around.</p><p></p><p>That makes sense. Our dreams looked so different than this! Ha! This is like ~ man, I don't even know how to begin describing what this has been like. I read something once in a Dirk Pitt novel. He is this fictional adventure man who works for NUMA and pulls through all things without mussing his hair and has just the right amount of five o'clock shadow at all times....</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>I believe he wears Aqua di Gio. I'm spelling that wrong, but I am very sure that is what Dirk Pitt would wear. (Or he would wear nothing at all, as they say in the English Leather commercials.)</p><p></p><p>What is the matter with me this morning!?!</p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/Graemlins/11-24a.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":angel3:" title="angel :angel3:" data-shortname=":angel3:" /></p><p></p><p></p><p>Anyway, Dirk is at the bottom of some cliff somewhere calling for help. And he is described as feeling like "the chump in a Laurel and Hardy movie who, calling for help, is thrown both ends of the rope."</p><p></p><p>And thus, my avatar.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>The other thing that causes such intense suffering is the dream of family ~ is my identification with that dream, with that definition of who I am. That is why I feel so keenly the loss of things I have never had.</p><p></p><p>So I think about those two areas ~ guilt, and that dream of family. Between the family/genetics postings of MWM and 2much, I am working through the guilt so beautifully. The dream does not tear into me the way it used to. The holidays are not slice and dice mom affairs as much as they used to be. I am never going to have those stupid bouquets from FTD delivered to my house at the holidays.</p><p></p><p>This year, I may order my own and let that be my closing ceremony.</p><p></p><p>But I do have The Challenge of the Grandmas Baklava and so many other really cool things ~ like someone who never had children might do, too.</p><p></p><p>I think that kind of thinking is how we can survive the deep hellishness of these lives where helping those we love is not helping and where losing what we do have is par for the course and the kids pop back up in even worse positions.</p><p></p><p>And somehow we have to incorporate that kind of living, changing pain. It is not a steady state. It is a continuing aliveness and unpredictability of pain, and of the sure threat of pain. And you know it's coming and you know the only thing you can do is stand there and try to keep your feet.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes now I just look at it and say, "Oh. There is my pain."</p><p></p><p>And I am so glad to be separate enough from it to be able to see it and to say that, at all.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/hugs.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":hugs:" title="hugs :hugs:" data-shortname=":hugs:" /> (That's me and Dirk.)</p><p></p><p></p><p> <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/bag.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":bag:" title="bag :bag:" data-shortname=":bag:" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 649703, member: 17461"] It isn't easy for the kids, either. I sometimes think they actually believe what they tell themselves. difficult child son is so vehemently certain the course his life has taken is our doing. There are echoes of accusation in difficult child daughter's assessment of the course her life has taken, too. If I listen too long, I wake up in that echoey place where nothing makes sense. It takes time for me to come back from that place. I have the comfort now though, of knowing for certain that I will come back. So, I wait. I am learning to nurture myself through it ~ through the waiting, I mean. You handled everything well. I even think you displayed courage and grace under fire and my hat is off to you. Good job. You told him you love him. You told him you believe in him. You honored your curiosity about someone you love, though you knew it would hurt you, to know. *** We have no say about what they will hear, or about what they will do with that. I am sorry your husband is ill, Tanya. Nothing easy about any of this. Like me, I am sure you are relieved to have heard from your son, but torn up over what was said. We learn all we can about how to do this ~ about how to survive it, really ~ and we do the best we know. We mark our own lives passing, and we make our choices, almost defiantly, to celebrate it all ~ to celebrate all that we do have ~ right in the face of the shadow of what has happened to our families. There are important things, things like phone calls from an adult child who cherishes you and wants to know you are doing well, or whether they can help, or when they are coming to visit with happy, healthy grands...none of those good, strengthening, validating events are happening for us. And they are never going to happen. And somehow, we have to be okay with that. There was a post here once about how people who never had children function and find meaning in their lives. The answer, of course, was that they function extremely well, and that the meaning of their lives is what they make it. I think about that alot. I see that I can define the meaning of my life story, just as those who have chosen never to have children can. And I take hope, there. I don't know exactly how this is all going to look as I come through it. The key suffering for those with troubled children is guilt. That is the thing those who never had children are not carting around. That makes sense. Our dreams looked so different than this! Ha! This is like ~ man, I don't even know how to begin describing what this has been like. I read something once in a Dirk Pitt novel. He is this fictional adventure man who works for NUMA and pulls through all things without mussing his hair and has just the right amount of five o'clock shadow at all times.... :O) I believe he wears Aqua di Gio. I'm spelling that wrong, but I am very sure that is what Dirk Pitt would wear. (Or he would wear nothing at all, as they say in the English Leather commercials.) What is the matter with me this morning!?! :angel3: Anyway, Dirk is at the bottom of some cliff somewhere calling for help. And he is described as feeling like "the chump in a Laurel and Hardy movie who, calling for help, is thrown both ends of the rope." And thus, my avatar. *** The other thing that causes such intense suffering is the dream of family ~ is my identification with that dream, with that definition of who I am. That is why I feel so keenly the loss of things I have never had. So I think about those two areas ~ guilt, and that dream of family. Between the family/genetics postings of MWM and 2much, I am working through the guilt so beautifully. The dream does not tear into me the way it used to. The holidays are not slice and dice mom affairs as much as they used to be. I am never going to have those stupid bouquets from FTD delivered to my house at the holidays. This year, I may order my own and let that be my closing ceremony. But I do have The Challenge of the Grandmas Baklava and so many other really cool things ~ like someone who never had children might do, too. I think that kind of thinking is how we can survive the deep hellishness of these lives where helping those we love is not helping and where losing what we do have is par for the course and the kids pop back up in even worse positions. And somehow we have to incorporate that kind of living, changing pain. It is not a steady state. It is a continuing aliveness and unpredictability of pain, and of the sure threat of pain. And you know it's coming and you know the only thing you can do is stand there and try to keep your feet. Sometimes now I just look at it and say, "Oh. There is my pain." And I am so glad to be separate enough from it to be able to see it and to say that, at all. Cedar :hugs: (That's me and Dirk.) :bag: [/QUOTE]
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