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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 649780" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>As I read your words, I recognized something about the growth we accomplish, here. I mean, I can see the underpinnings of it in myself, and I see those same underpinnings of strength and separateness <em>and the requirement of truth</em> in your post. </p><p></p><p>I remember a time when if my hurt and broken child accused me of parenting badly, I believed it.</p><p></p><p>I collapsed into believing it.</p><p></p><p>I no longer believe that.</p><p></p><p>I am separate from my child in that way, now.</p><p></p><p>So, perhaps we are describing the falling apart of enmeshment, here.</p><p></p><p>And we are going to need to do that, if we are going to keep loving our children as they stumble down paths we cannot condone.</p><p></p><p>Do you feel you are Tanya (and I have begun to learn too), to see what happens with our children from an outsider's, rather than a mother's, perspective?</p><p></p><p>There was a time, perhaps for you too Tanya, when I could not separate myself enough from either of my children to recognize how what was happening to them affected me emotionally. There would be the dissonance of a dream breaking in the distance, but in the present moment, there would only be this shocked, echoing silence.</p><p></p><p>Like, a really hot sun.</p><p></p><p>Silence like a living thing, and I would be rudderless and not able to tell up from down and I would feel so stupidly helpless.</p><p></p><p>And then, there came that first, little "That isn't true." And that is where we begin reclaiming our integrity, I think. </p><p></p><p>We stop believing lies.</p><p></p><p>And we are able to separate from the sickness in our children and to recognize it for what it is. I mean, the sickness is not my child. My child is sick, but the sickness is a separate thing.</p><p></p><p>A bad thing that happened to all of us, but not who we are. There is something here about Headlight's Mom's post:</p><p></p><p>"Lest I grow cold...." I will have to look that one up. Something about finding gratitude as the truth and steering a course from that true place.</p><p></p><p>There is something here too about the thing I took from the President's State of the Union: "Young and in love in America.", and "We are a strong, tightly knit family who are coming through very hard times."</p><p></p><p>I know I am babbling a little bit.</p><p></p><p>But there is something here for us, I just know it.</p><p></p><p>Some way to come through this.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I am remembering one of us posting about replacing and then, burning the broken door to her difficult child child's bedroom. She posted that it felt like marking a passage. Not to sound too dorky here, but I keep coming back to my own imagery of a closing ceremony surrounding those holiday bouquets from FTD.</p><p></p><p>Ritual is so much a part of being human, of marking time.</p><p></p><p>Do we all need to ferret out which are the rituals which will help us mark the time?</p><p></p><p>Burning a bedroom door would not be a ritual for me, because believe it or not I never minded the filth or destruction. How strange is that. I mourned what was happening to all of us, I was shocked at the filth and the changes in the kids, but burning a door would not have done it for me.</p><p></p><p>Lighting white candles. That was a ritual that had meaning for me, a ritual that helped me externalize and bless the pain, and I still do that with my whole heart.</p><p></p><p>For me, that represents home. It represents my faith and belief in and my love for, my lost and wandering child</p><p></p><p>I will order holiday bouquets from FTD this year. I will do this as a closing ceremony for me, and for husband. Beginning with Easter, I will do it for one year.</p><p></p><p>Closing ceremonies.</p><p></p><p>I think these kinds of rituals, these kinds of markings of passages and honorings of so much that was hurtful and that we have somehow survived, would be very good for us. </p><p></p><p>We should start a thread about that.</p><p></p><p>I have to work today though, and need to go hop in the shower.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/mcsmiley1.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":mcsmiley1:" title="mcsmiley1 :mcsmiley1:" data-shortname=":mcsmiley1:" /> <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/mcsmiley1.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":mcsmiley1:" title="mcsmiley1 :mcsmiley1:" data-shortname=":mcsmiley1:" /></p><p></p><p>This is me and husband taking a motorcycle trip on our Harleys. We tossed the FTD bouquets because we no longer need to mark the time.</p><p></p><p>As long as this is a fantasy? I am the guy in the lead.</p><p></p><p>AND I have a mustache.</p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/starplucker.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":starplucker:" title="starplucker :starplucker:" data-shortname=":starplucker:" /></p><p></p><p>This is me and husband, sleeping under the stars somewhere cool that very night.</p><p></p><p>Dirk was only a passing fantasy.</p><p></p><p>Turns out husband wears Aqua di Gio, too.</p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/choir.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":choir:" title="choir :choir:" data-shortname=":choir:" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 649780, member: 17461"] As I read your words, I recognized something about the growth we accomplish, here. I mean, I can see the underpinnings of it in myself, and I see those same underpinnings of strength and separateness [I]and the requirement of truth[/I] in your post. I remember a time when if my hurt and broken child accused me of parenting badly, I believed it. I collapsed into believing it. I no longer believe that. I am separate from my child in that way, now. So, perhaps we are describing the falling apart of enmeshment, here. And we are going to need to do that, if we are going to keep loving our children as they stumble down paths we cannot condone. Do you feel you are Tanya (and I have begun to learn too), to see what happens with our children from an outsider's, rather than a mother's, perspective? There was a time, perhaps for you too Tanya, when I could not separate myself enough from either of my children to recognize how what was happening to them affected me emotionally. There would be the dissonance of a dream breaking in the distance, but in the present moment, there would only be this shocked, echoing silence. Like, a really hot sun. Silence like a living thing, and I would be rudderless and not able to tell up from down and I would feel so stupidly helpless. And then, there came that first, little "That isn't true." And that is where we begin reclaiming our integrity, I think. We stop believing lies. And we are able to separate from the sickness in our children and to recognize it for what it is. I mean, the sickness is not my child. My child is sick, but the sickness is a separate thing. A bad thing that happened to all of us, but not who we are. There is something here about Headlight's Mom's post: "Lest I grow cold...." I will have to look that one up. Something about finding gratitude as the truth and steering a course from that true place. There is something here too about the thing I took from the President's State of the Union: "Young and in love in America.", and "We are a strong, tightly knit family who are coming through very hard times." I know I am babbling a little bit. But there is something here for us, I just know it. Some way to come through this. I am remembering one of us posting about replacing and then, burning the broken door to her difficult child child's bedroom. She posted that it felt like marking a passage. Not to sound too dorky here, but I keep coming back to my own imagery of a closing ceremony surrounding those holiday bouquets from FTD. Ritual is so much a part of being human, of marking time. Do we all need to ferret out which are the rituals which will help us mark the time? Burning a bedroom door would not be a ritual for me, because believe it or not I never minded the filth or destruction. How strange is that. I mourned what was happening to all of us, I was shocked at the filth and the changes in the kids, but burning a door would not have done it for me. Lighting white candles. That was a ritual that had meaning for me, a ritual that helped me externalize and bless the pain, and I still do that with my whole heart. For me, that represents home. It represents my faith and belief in and my love for, my lost and wandering child I will order holiday bouquets from FTD this year. I will do this as a closing ceremony for me, and for husband. Beginning with Easter, I will do it for one year. Closing ceremonies. I think these kinds of rituals, these kinds of markings of passages and honorings of so much that was hurtful and that we have somehow survived, would be very good for us. We should start a thread about that. I have to work today though, and need to go hop in the shower. Cedar :mcsmiley1: :mcsmiley1: This is me and husband taking a motorcycle trip on our Harleys. We tossed the FTD bouquets because we no longer need to mark the time. As long as this is a fantasy? I am the guy in the lead. AND I have a mustache. :starplucker: This is me and husband, sleeping under the stars somewhere cool that very night. Dirk was only a passing fantasy. Turns out husband wears Aqua di Gio, too. :choir: [/QUOTE]
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