Oh brother some things never change.

[Jody]

I had some kind of wicked illness for two weeks, couldn't talk and needed some 7 up or something for my throat, pull up to the nearest fast food joint, Arby's and guess what? My oldest daughter's father whom we haven't seen or heard from in 10 plus years hands it to me right out the drive thru window. My daughter met him about 10 years ago for the first time, and he took off without a goodbye or anything, I could never find him working at any one place to get a dime in child support ever. Well he asks me for her number and I don't give it to him, I would have to check with her first. Anyway, I took his and left it up to my daughter to call him or not to call him. Of course she did because she is very forgiving. Well he starts calling me, I shut him down completely. easy child is on her way home from college tonight for one night, before she catches a plane to Atlanta for a week. She is expecting to be able to see us both in the small time frame she has. She asks if we can all go to dinner together. I couldn't give that to her as a child and feel I could possibly sit thru a short meal if that's what she really wants or needs. Well this fool calls me today and says by the way I am homeless and living at this shelter and can't be out past 5 pm, could you bring her by the shelter so I can get a picture of her on my cell phone. He says if I had more money I could get a hotel room for the night and we could all visit. He says I only have 13.00. Was this fool really trying to ask me for money in an indirect way when he has never helped me or my daughter ever. I am livid. Now what do I tell easy child when she gets here in a few hours.

One more thing, her dad is 52 years old and still making babies, he has a 24, 19, 11, 11 not twins, different mothers, 5 yr old and 2 yr. old and he says to me, she is the only thing that i did right in my life. Um, what, the only thing you did right was stay out of her life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Any suggestions on what to tell my 19 year old who will be here shortly that we have to go to the homeless shelter to visit your father. I just don't know what to do.

 

[DDD]

This is a stumper. Not sure, at all, what I would do. on the other hand you don't have the option to ignore his presence since she has already spoken to him. Rats! Sounds like the only choice is to tell her "your Father called and instead of trying to dinner together he's asked if we could stop for a short visit at the homeless shelter where he lives". I can't think of any other option. Hugs DDD

 

[buddy]

Yeah, he stinks and you need to vent that for sure....Some nerve asking for money, and double nerve using your daughter as bait. He most likely figured out she is an adult and so he has some chance of getting something from HER. uggg....

As for what to say to her, the calm truth, still not blocking access to him, will speak volumes. My parents do not say anything bad about each other and I assume they would not be divorced if they liked each other. But, I could never blame one or the other for getting between me and the other parent. I think DDD is probably wise in that thought (as usual).

 

[InsaneCdn]

My parents do not say anything bad about each other and I assume they would not be divorced if they liked each other

Buddy... this isn't the case for Jody, but... I actually know people who are divorced who DO actually still like each other... they just can't "live" with each other - extreme differences in lifestyles etc, or one has mental health issues and needs to be more "alone".

 

[HaoZi]

Honesty is the best policy and all that.

 

[keista]

I'm with DDD simple plain truth.
If the conversation went the way you said, he didn't ask for money. If he hints, ignore them. If he asks there is a wonderful short answer "NO"

I also thought that maybe he'd try to get money out of your daughter instead.

 

[Hound dog]

Early dinner and make sure he's back by 5pm?

Worried he's going to hit daughter up, either for cash or a place to stay or both. Maybe if you just get him back in time........... I dunno. This one is a tough call. Daughter has to learn the truth about her dad once and for all, I mean the truth you accept in your heart as well as your head.......maybe the time has come for that lesson? After a couple times asking for money whatever.....odds are it's going to start hitting her about him not being there in presence or financially for her.

But yeah. What a position to be in.

Hugs

 

[Star*]

Jody,

As much as it literally killed my soul.....and I mean that wholeheartedly about my ex - Satan incarnate. Dude took it upon himself to go, see, live, and idolize, put on a mountain top. Daddy Disney. The man is 56, homeless, has absolutely nothing to his name, no drivers license, no morals, no real friends, and after screwing EVERYONE and I mean EVERYONE over - no family. They absolutely hate him. I got out with my life, and the life of my son - messed up as it was. I never asked for child support - told the judge it was a COMPLETE WASTE OF MY TIME. And just worked (gladly) three jobs and shopped Salvation Army and Goodwill for what we needed, refused food stamps - and did the best I could. FIFTEEN YEARS LATER??? My son - decided to GO THERE to LIVE with him in his FLORIDA - MANSION....UM...okay yeah.

I have pictures of the FLORIDA mansion. IT's a crackhouse, that should be condemned. My son spent months cleaning it up - while Daddy Disney was in jail. He had it looking nice, like a home, got renters, the whole works. Daddy Disney got out of jail and within a week? The place was trashed so badly - you can not imagine. He threw out the renters - moved dopers in, and tried to beat his own son with a ball bat. My son STILL wanted a relationship. He stole from my son, he took things from my son, he rifled through his room - and any and EVERYTHING my son earned he STOLE - even a car - HE TOOK A BASEBALL BAT and a knife to it - and destroyed and demolished it - STILL the kid hung on every word, waiting for Dad to say what he longed to hear........and then? Dude found a 52" TV by the curb and brought it home, fixed it himself and daughter broke into his room, and busted that TV up with a baseball bat. THAT was the final straw. That and daughter went to jail for doctor shopping. Of course he's a huge snitch - so he never gets whats coming to him - but he never does and THAT's what made Dude turn.

Today - he wants NOTHING to do with him. He doesn't hate him - I have tried to teach him to forgive and move on - but don't forget. And I think that the man could die tomorrow - and it would only phase Dude in asmuch as - What a waste - he could have had a son - So now it isn't "WHAT was wrong with me? Why didn't he LOVE ME?" ..nope - now that he's gotten to go and see for HIMSELF - that it wasn't ME being the big bad OGRE keeping him from a wonderful loving father who wanted him - and I just kept him away all these years and denied him a great daddy - instead I took him away to keep him safe from a drunk, druggie, womanizer, psychopath, sociopath, uncaring, unfeeling, raw, calculating, cold, animal - that has absolutely no concern or empathy for a single living thing - and the only reason I never wanted him to go in the first place is because I was afraid that my x would kill him - or harm him....and then call me and say "If you want to see your son - do this this and this....or else." Not that I didn't want Dude to know what was real and who he was...he needed to know that.

As far as ME having anything to do with him? The man doesn't deserve to hear me BREATHE on the other end of a telephone ----and never will. He lost that privledge years ago. As far as I'm concerned there is no greater disgrace for a man than when you cease to believe he exists.

So if your daughter NEEDS to go find out what and why her Father is about? You really have no choice. Just make sure that you are ADAMATELY CLEAR UPFRONT with your children that IN NO WAY, SHAPE or form are they do discuss YOU, YOUR LIFE, YOUR HOME, YOUR JOB - or ANYTHING pertaining to YOU......WHATSOEVER. If he wants a relationship with her/ So be it....then that's between them - NOT YOU and your bank account or life. And Be open to any discussion about him with her - BUT be wise in your answers. BE VERY detached.....Oh that's nice dear, UH HUH, WOW. Imagine that - and all without sarcasm - or you won't hear anything else.

As far as your daughter and her bank account, and her life? Well - all I can say is - SHE WILL LEARN the hard way - and you just have to hope you raised her to be YOUR daughter and no ones fool. She may just not be as soft as you think. OR as forgiving as you think. It took my son two years....to say - "MY DAD, lives with YOU Mom." And write him a letter telling him how awful he has been as a Father - and he sent a copy of it to his bio-dads sister (thought of that on his own too) because - he said to her "When your brother starts turning on the tears and the WOE IS ME - drama about how badly I treated him and how HORRIBLE I talked to him? I want you to be ABSOLUTELY AWARE of what I said to him---so he can't ELABORATE and make you feel sorry for his sorry behind - because I'm not being anything here but honest."
She read the letter he wrote - and said "WOW - I think it's a little harsh don't you?" and he said "I think not paying any support for a child you say you love more than your life, and would die for - is harsh. I think selling a child you would die for - for your crack habbit? Is harsh. I think to wait 15 years to have a reunion with that child, and go after him with a baseball bat and ruin his car, his clothes, his property, and throw paying renters out and treat him like crud in front of his druggie buddies and have them eat all his food - is harsh? So this letter? No - I don't think my letter is harsh. It says exactly what I feel - keeping all emotions out of it - LEAVE ME ALONE, DON'T EVER BOTHER ME AGAIN, WE ARE THROUGH, YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE - and blew it. Have a nice life.

So my thought is - Stay out of their relationship. You've already had one with him - it didn't work out - and if theirs does? Fine. If it doesn't fine. But it's her choice. I really wouldn't go with her. Other than maybe to drop her off and sit in the car - and NOT talk to him. You've said ALL you had to say - and the tone of your post pretty much says how you still feel - that's not going to change in a dinner....and who could blame you.

The kicker is - HE IS working now? And you could always go after him for back cihld support if you wanted him to leave town. ROFLM lawyer off. <--------so mean.

 

[HaoZi]

Being over 18, Jody's daughter can after him for the back support...

 

[DammitJanet]

My oldest was sort of in Dude's shoes too. He never really knew his father during his childhood years. He saw him two times after he was over a year old. Both those times were instigated at the request of his paternal grandparents. His father really couldnt have cared less and that is a shame because Billy is named after them and he has 4 brothers and a sister on that side. Plus numerous cousins. When Billy became an adult ...sometime in his mid twenties, his father requested he move to OH to live with him. Billy was really pretty thrilled. His father made some pretty big promises that Tony and I knew would never be kept. Or lets just say we were pretty sure wouldnt be kept. We were right. Billy called Jamie within two weeks crying saying he had made a huge mistake but he wasnt sure if Tony would let him go back to our place after leaving to go to his real father. Jamie called us. Jamie went up to OH and picked him up and got him to VA and then put him on a bus back down to us. Tony met him at the bus at our house and hugged him and told him that Bill may have been his father but he lost out on the right to be his daddy. Billy only has one daddy and that is Tony. Bill got the raw end in that deal. While it would have been nice to get some support, Tony happily supported him alone.

 

[hearts and roses]

Jody, I tolerate my exh, he was/is a loser, quit his job when my girls were little to avoid having child support garnished from his wages and didn't want to cover them for medical (I had to get them Medicaid). There is a long laundry list of reasons why he is my ex.

That said, as the girls grew older, sticking to my rule of no bad mouthing but not keeping them from him, they learned how certain relationships are limited. He once said to me that when they are adults, they will see MY true colors! Lol, what a joke. In actuality, what they saw were HIS true colors.

They maintain a relationship with him, they don't know about a lot of the bs he put us through or the fact that he owed $30,000 in back child support. Like star said, you had your relationship with him, now it's her turn. Chances are very good she will get sucked into the vortex and feel sorry for him before she realizes he's a user.

Just last week, my difficult child and her boyfriend visited her dad. They ended up buying him groceries. Nice gesture, but it really burns my bisquit considering that they owe me money and hardly have enough to support themselves not to mention all the money I've spent on her without exs help, Know what I mean?? easy child and difficult child always buy him great birthday and Christmas presents, but he never seems to have money to buy them presents. I know, it's not about the presents, but it is about the upside down condition of their relationship. My daughters are parenting their parent. And it's sickening to me. But they are adults and like I said, they make their own choices.

Jody, I would have a nice long chat with your daughter, not a bashing session, but be honest. Let her know that you're telling her this so she doesn't get her hopes up for a meaningful relationship because it's unlikely. If she really needs to go, take her and wait in the car if you have to. But do not let her go alone, HE WILL TRY TO MANIPULATE HER. If you can tolerate the time with him at least just this once, I would just so you can be witness to any requests he makes and intervene if necessary.

Big hugs, this is not easy.

 

[Jody]

Thanks everyone for your replies. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. We picked him up at the shelter and he was able to go for a short time to dinner. We went to Panera. We had a nice time talking and laughing. Lindsey seemed to really enjoy herself. I paid for his dinner because my 19 year old daughter was whispering to me, I will pay you back when we get home. I paid and did not require that she pay me back. I didn't want to pay for it but I did. She can't go buy a homeless person without giving them some money, and I had to remember her doing that for so many people that she didn't know when it came down to her own father I just paid as if he was a stranger.

I never talked badly about her father ever, easy child told him that at dinner and he said wow, and I was such an A*****E. Boy did he have that right. After we got home my daughter gave me a huge hug and said that I was the best Mom ever and that she loved me so much. SHe said oh yeah, Mom, I decided that I look like you and not my dad.

 

[DDD]

Jody, glad it went well and that you all were able to go out to eat instead of visiting at the shelter. In the back of my head I was thinking "yikes the shelter setting might trigger all kinds of emotions for Jody's daughter". Whew. Good job! DDD

 

[keista]

I never talked badly about her father ever, easy child told him that at dinner and he said wow, and I was such an A*****E. Boy did he have that right.

I'd say it went AWESOME! After that kind of admission, I wouldn't have hesitated to pay for dinner either!