Oh not Friday not another week-end...

[Ropefree]

The home therapy is not going to get any results anytime soon, says the therapist.
So today I was pushing for a differant approach. One where the dispicable behavor that JUST STARTED is not "learned" to the point of a habit.
My teen is all out of sorts because I will not "let him" just run amuck.
And it is disgusting to me that as a society there is this apathy to "let them"
run amuck.
What did I do? I stopped the attempt to have overnight groups at my house.
Hello? That was a no brainer.
Just like it is a NO BRAINER that be home by curfew is not a mystery. That is why the curfew is there.
Also, the idea that because all the teens are doing it makes being unaccountable, what? as predictable as pregnacy, teen auto death, rape
getting slipped a micky?
I do not want to talk to you. He says.
The conselor said no one can make him get help. How is a youth to determine what they need? They have zero experiance. That IS what is so imprtant to have caring adults who are talking to them. Show me a parent who is not "doing it all" by themselves? It is the neglect of adult attention and direction that harms the most.
When did AA philosophy replace every form of common scence in people?
BEing and addict/alcoholic is a vital part of history. When the water is filthy drink purified alcoholic safe lyquid. Now, generations after the water cleaning can be done with out the intoxicant poison can we behave with sober diferance to what is developementally appropriate?
Let him make his own mistakes and suffer the consiquences.
Let him pay for his own auto insurance policy and deside how risky he wants to be. Oh, he has not even worked a job so what is the rush with the mistakes? Let him figure out what he can while he has the luxury of study and the safty of parents. Like how to get up and go everyday.
What is the point of having the "party" factor involved unsupervised? It is great for dealers and alcohol companies. tow trucks, auto wreckers,
mortuaties.

 

[klmno]

Is this MST "therapy"? It sounds like just what we got last year- I couldn't handle it. I didn;t think it was the answer for us, although it seems to help a lot of kids, I think that's when it is a specific family problem, but I don't know- I just know that I couldn't handle it- especially when the guy wanted (and expected) to go to psychiatrist and therapist appts with us and SIT IN the sessions, yet all he did directly with us was a behavior contract- which included typical punishments that I'd already tried.

 

[BusynMember]

Well, Ropefree, they do NOT force kids to get help if they are over 13. At 17, you may still see him as a boy, but the law pretty much sees him as grown up. Nobody can make him get help, and it won't do much good anyway if he doesn't want it. I learned a long time ago that 17 is pretty much considered an adult.
As for the sleepovers, I always LIKED them in my house. That way I got to see what was going on and could supervise them. As for curfew, what time do you have him coming home? If it's 10:00, my guess is he will rebel against that. It may be the curfew, but on the weekends it is in my opinion not unreasonable to let somebody his age come home later UNLESS he is breaking the law. in my opinion you still want to hang onto him and control him as if he was still young, and he is going to pull away. This is natural. At 18, he legally doesn't have to listen to you anymore and you can't make him. You only have one choice: Making him leave your house or putting up with him growing up and doing some things his way.
I have never been clear on what his problems are. Is he only disrespectful to you? I say "only" because my daughter was a drug addict--I would have been glad if all she did was mouth off or stay out late sometimes. Not to minimize your issues, but you haven't really made them clear.
For us to give you help, we need to know more about what is going on. We don't need to know what your neighbors are doing that you don't approve of. We need to know what is going on in YOUR house that brought you to us. And do you understand that at his age you are going to HAVE to give up control soon? Is your son taking drugs? Is he stealing? Is he failing school? Tell us about him. I don't have a feel for your son at all.

 

[klmno]

I didn't realize we're talking about a 17yo- it might help if you did a signature and let us know some more details about what the specific problems are, as MWM is asking.

 

[janebrain]

Thanks, MWM, for saying what I have been thinking! I am not clear on what the problems are either. What I am hearing is that Ropefree is unhappy with the way other parents are raising their children and how it is impacting her and her son. She has certain rules and other parents are more lenient and it makes her son mad that he can't do what the other kids are doing so he just does them anyway. But then Ropefree puts the blame on the other parents and their kids for being a bad influence.

I, too, think some letting go is necessary. The boy is 17, you can't hang on to him. And he does have to take responsibility for wanting help--at that age it is on him, not his mom. But, I am unclear on what it is he needs help with--what are his problems?

Thanks,
Jane

 

[janebrain]

P.S. I probably have a similar perspective as MWM too because when my dtr was 17 she was pretty much living on the streets or with older guys who were happy to keep her drugged up and pliable. I guess that makes me a bad parent according to some people because I had no control over my dtr. She simply would not follow any rules, she did not recognize any authority figure as having the right to tell her what to do.

 

[Ropefree]

Yes I am talking about parents who are not supervising and have neglected their children. Is that a problem for you to read?
MInors, underage of consent...what is your point of projecting Midwestmom?
Curfew...some areas have them.
Most living people are able to engage in relationship that is theraputic and feel empowered and esteemed. Why do you think of forse, Midwestmom?
I am not in an advisarial relationship with my son. The boundaries are healthy
and for his developement past the age of adolescence.
My son is doing well in school. It was alot of work handling people who assume that in general the out comes will be poor. Apathy is not where I am at.
I am hurt by this. I am finding the fact that no one but me is here for my son to take his immature anger over what is out on. What is worse is that rather than offer him the social skill instruction to negotiate the quality of relationship that we all can aspire to and how to get there.
ANd as a matter of fact, I am very new to typing for strangers and if you are not able to get then ask.
I am not comfortable disclosing more personal detail.

 

[BestICan]

Hi Rope,

Having much younger children and different issues, I will probably not have great advice for your situation with your son. However, I think I can help a bit with how to get the most out of this board.

First off, you are using a good, generic screen name and have not disclosed your location. So far, you're quite anonymous, which is great. We will always offer you support, but we can't *help* much without personal details. Please note, "personal details" are not at all the same thing as "identifying details."

Would you be comfortable answering at least these questions:
How old is your son:
What kind of school does he attend (i.e. homeschool, public, Special Education):
Does he have a diagnosis:
What medications is he currently on:
Is he/has he been involved with the legal system at all, such as probation or juvie:
Do you have a life partner or an ex who is dealing with your son as well:
Many people summarize their child in a brief sentence. For example, I might say my son is: "Gifted, but disruptive in a classroom setting." Some people might say their child is "Agressive and hostile unless they are trying to get something from me," or "Stable but dealing with some anger issues."
Could you write a sentence like that describing your son:

With this information, many more people will be able to give you concrete advice, or even just be able to say with confidence that they've "been there, done that" and can really sympathize with you.

Could you do a brief writeup as suggested above?

 

[Nancy423]

Every parent seems to have a different view of 'how to'. My goodness, haven't most of us heard from a mother or mother in law or other family member that we're doing soemthing wrong???

Every therapist might have a differing way to approach their clients based on experience and results.

My point here is that maybe keeping an open mind to other approaches might be helpful. you may not like what you hear, but sometimes it can lead you some great ideas. Think of it like a big brainstorm session. not all ideas are going to work, but sometimes bits and pieces of all the ideas put together turn into an A-HA solution.

I still wonder how my mother got thru my teen years....

 

[BusynMember]

If you have a healthy, good relationship with your son then why is there therapy in the home? I'm not saying you DON'T have it, I'm saying WE DON'T UNDERSTAND. Are you mainly here because you think OTHER parents are neglectful? If so, I don't know how to help you. There is no way to change anybody else.
I hope this isn't too forward, but, from your posts, it seems to me that perhaps you are from another country. There is an "accent" in your posts that makes it hard for me to follow them. That isn't your fault, but maybe things are done differently where you are from. In this country's culture, 17 is almost legal age and is treated as legal age.
What is it you want from us? Have you have your son diagnosed? Are there any psychiatric problems on either side of his family tree? Substance abuse? Was his early development normal?
What are his issues? I have no idea what his issues are because (and I'm NOT trying to make you angry, honest) you have only talked about how angry you are at other people.
You can't change the world. What do you want us to help you with? What kind of advice do you want? What are the issues you have with your son that brought you to the board? We are very good at giving support, but we HAVE to know what the issues are or we can't give any input.

 

[klmno]

I really like Nancy's description of repsonses- "think of it like a brainstorming session". That's the way I try to view posts on threads I start and even if/when I post back and say "we tried that- it didn't work" or "I think that won't work because XYZ", it's still a discussion among parents who each have some experience with kids who can be difficult to parent and we are all parents who want to help, support, and encourage each other.

I guess maybe we forget sometimes that when a person is new to the board, it is hard to jump to that comfort level quickly sometimes. I was desparate when I first came here, but I did "lurk" and not join or post for several days- I checked out others' join dates and could see that some had been here for years. I read about various problems people were having so I didn't think I or my son would be judged, at least not blamed, like many in society would treat us.

My point is that I honestly think there might be a valid reason why you think not letting your son do something, even at 17 yo, is really the best decision. But, we don't know what that reason is if we have no details of anything. For instance- it drives me nuts when my son's probation officer says to my son that I am being over-protective for not letting him do more, like have a cell phone. Well, she doesn't know that my son is one who could be half way cross town and call me and tell me he's 3 blocks away at a friend's house. She doesn't know that my son goes to any length to get a hold of any cell phone I bring in this house and makes calls to 900 numbers on it. She doesn't know the other people he tries to call on it- when it's in the middle of the night, etc. I have every reason to make that decision.

But, keep in mind, we aren't here to judge or have authority over you like the PO does in our lives. We are here as friends, so we don't really know how to begin if we don't know any of your reasons or background or his diagnosis or medications, etc. And that info can make all the difference in the world.

Now there are times someone might say you, or me, or someone else needs to think about loosening the reigns a little on the kid or "maybe try this instead of that". They do it with me, thank God, because when I'm doing something that isn't working and my son is going through the house punching holes in walls or whatever and someone gets on here and says "try this" and I do and he calms down-- I am Happy!! And I am grateful!! Even though I wish I had thought of it myself and tried it sooner, the main thing is, I have another method to try when we have this problem.

I would suggest stepping back and thinking about your objectives in regards to your teenager- I doubt you really are just looking to win a battle of wills. Then, lurk or think about it or just aske simple questions here until you decide if you want to reveal a little more about the situation so we can be informed enough to give an opinion. Sorry- that's a lot more than my share, I'm sure LOL!!