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OK - I am messed up
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<blockquote data-quote="Steely" data-source="post: 146628" data-attributes="member: 3301"><p>Thanks.</p><p></p><p>I did see therapist today, which seemed to start my spiral downwards. I just couldn't do work by the time I got there and had to listen to my boss list my inadequacies, after talking about my grief for an hour to t-doctor.</p><p></p><p>My t-doctor has not ever advocated me seeking a p-doctor for my medications, but perhaps I need more than Lexapro, and need to go against her advice.</p><p></p><p>I was able to convey to t-doctor today my absolute guilt and shame in the sister I was to H. And the fact that I cannot forgive myself for who I was as a sister to H. She was/is my younger sister. I was sexually abused. I re-created that sexual abuse with H. when we were little. I am not sure she ever forgave me. I know I will never forgive myself. I have never told anyone else this besides t-doctor. And I hope to God no one else that I know is able to identify me through this post. But I have to tell someone about this. It is eating my core alive. I feel so responsible for her unhappiness in life - and what if she did commit suicide - and my abuse was one of the many reasons for her needing to do that. I can rationalize all day long why I did that - and my counselor says it is a text book case of what sexually abused children do to others - but I still cannot forgive myself.</p><p></p><p>I just really feel as if I am going to die. And I need a break from this world. </p><p></p><p>I have jury duty tomorrow, and I do not think I can fathom even being around another crime after all I have been through with H., and the police. It was only 6 weeks ago. In fact, the investigation is still ongoing. Maybe they will let me off if I tell them I am mentally unstable?</p><p></p><p>Everything is crashing. And if I lose my job, than I am just the biggest failure in the world.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Steely, post: 146628, member: 3301"] Thanks. I did see therapist today, which seemed to start my spiral downwards. I just couldn't do work by the time I got there and had to listen to my boss list my inadequacies, after talking about my grief for an hour to t-doctor. My t-doctor has not ever advocated me seeking a p-doctor for my medications, but perhaps I need more than Lexapro, and need to go against her advice. I was able to convey to t-doctor today my absolute guilt and shame in the sister I was to H. And the fact that I cannot forgive myself for who I was as a sister to H. She was/is my younger sister. I was sexually abused. I re-created that sexual abuse with H. when we were little. I am not sure she ever forgave me. I know I will never forgive myself. I have never told anyone else this besides t-doctor. And I hope to God no one else that I know is able to identify me through this post. But I have to tell someone about this. It is eating my core alive. I feel so responsible for her unhappiness in life - and what if she did commit suicide - and my abuse was one of the many reasons for her needing to do that. I can rationalize all day long why I did that - and my counselor says it is a text book case of what sexually abused children do to others - but I still cannot forgive myself. I just really feel as if I am going to die. And I need a break from this world. I have jury duty tomorrow, and I do not think I can fathom even being around another crime after all I have been through with H., and the police. It was only 6 weeks ago. In fact, the investigation is still ongoing. Maybe they will let me off if I tell them I am mentally unstable? Everything is crashing. And if I lose my job, than I am just the biggest failure in the world. [/QUOTE]
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