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Ok, so I went to the DV shelter today
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 136315" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Feelinalone. </p><p></p><p>HI - so it really sounds like you are frustrated, tired, angry and at the end of your rope. I know that feeling all too well. My first thought after I read your posts was that there is little compromise in your thoughts. Ayeeeee before you get defensive hear me out because if I hadn't lived it I probably wouldn't recognize it. Okay? K. </p><p></p><p>In our lives we make a lot of sacrifices. Sometimes as women we think we make more than men. Sometimes as Mothers we are sure we make more than anyone else. And in part I believe this is true. As the Mother of a difficult child we sacrifice a LOT of things that most other parents don't have to. This is not limited to Our careers, our friendships with people who don't understand our children or blame us for their behavior, the dreams we had for ourselves and the dreams we had for that tiny baby that once born was going to change the world just by being there with you. </p><p></p><p>When I we pregnant with Dude - I had glorious visions of my son coming to me in an audience at college and yelling "And this" (shakes diploma) "Is all due to my Mom who supported me as a single Mother, sacrificed so much - Mom I love you." (and the crowd goes crazy). It included seeing myself as a PTA Mom, baking cupcakes, helping out in a classroom, amazing kids with my slight of hand tricks, drawing for them, and just having what I envisioned a good life." My marriage would get fixed, my son would be handsome and loving, smart - genuine. Little league games, school plays, I even thought about his name and how it would look on the door of his office as a lawyer or veterinarian. </p><p></p><p>And over the years....a little bit of those dreams died each day. I would bargain with myself and say "Well okay - we didn't have home room cupcakes this year - but we can make a present for the teacher. Or So he's not in sports - I'll help him with chess or share a passion for books or animals. And as the years went by I ate the bittersweet reality that MY DREAM was not meant to be. I tried to push square pegs into round holes and MAKE my son fit as much as I could. And he didn't. The harder I tried, the worse he got. He must feel as though he's a tremendous disappointment to me, and he isn't. But I had to learn to let go of my dreams. </p><p></p><p>And when someone suggested medicines? OMG I went ballistic. THIS was the ONLY baby anyone knew who was "green" - cloth diapers, no preservatives, breast fed etc.....and now you want to poison him? Oh God tell me this isn't happening. WHen it came down to either being expelled in 1st grade or staying in school - I cried all the way to the pharmacy and bawled the first time I handed him a pill. He was so little - he was so cute, he was so angry - and lashing out. At 6 we had him placed in the state hospital and evaluated and they put him on medications (3) got him stable and sent him home. </p><p></p><p>Sending him home would have been great if I had been going to classes for myself to learn how to deal with a kid like him. My bitterness and sarcastic tone overshadowed the best of intentions I had to fix him and love him. At times I thought about being vindictive - to a 6 year old. He was so blankety blank mean. He destroyed things, he embarrassed me in public, he made sure I lost a 40k a year job with a future. He was out of control and I was STILL trying to put him in the Go to school, be a good kid, I'll be the PTA mom, and soccer camp person....and he wanted NOTHING to do with any of MY DREAMS and this made ME angry on so many levels I can remember shaking his shoulders one afternoon and saying "YOU JUST CAN'T GIVE ME ANYTHING CAN YOU?" and storming to my bedroom expecting him to cry and we make up - and instead he went outside and played like nothing happened. </p><p></p><p>For a while I was on Food stamps (2 months) and I found a PT job to work and be at home. I got community assistance a few times, and tried to return the foodstamps card after the 2nd month because I got a job. Dude was getting out of the hospital and so I had to put him in daycare. Currently we are blacklisted from every day care in the county. News travels fast - bad news travels faster. And I was alone. I had a crazy x husband who was trying to hunt us down and kill us. I had a mentally challenged mother in law who cried every time she got near the phone with my son on it - begging him to solve a drug addicts problems - (her son my x) </p><p></p><p>It was insane. And...I was going to therapy at the same time and So was my son. Medicaid paid for his - I cleaned offices and bathrooms to pay for mine. I got no child support, nothing. We were on our own. </p><p></p><p>Eventually - someone talked to me like I'm talking to you and told me their story. See my son at age 6 took a hand held sling blade off the wall (antique decoration) and shot out the door of our home and after another child in the neighborhood. If I hadn't caught him - the kid would be dead and my son would be in jail still. He had snapped. And he was so out of it he destroyed an ER waiting room and 2 police came and handcuffed him to the bed which he proceeded to destroy. What was I to do? I had to work - I needed a place for us to call home. I had to put gas in my car, I had to pay bills, I was TRYING so hard to make a place for us, and he was slipping out of reality. He beat up teachers at day care, he pushed a toddler and made him hit his head - they had to take him to the ER. He pushed little girls, caused fights, hit everyone when he didn't get his way. He threw stuff, screamed, busted a window, threw his mattress OUT the window - tore his bed apart, literally - and all this while I'm trying to BEG someone for help. </p><p></p><p>Finally the therapist I was seeing (not believing me I think about my son) suggested that if he was a danger to himself or others - I should take him to the ER. I did that - and like I said he went to the hospital. It was the worst day of my life and in some ways the best. </p><p></p><p>While he was in the hospital - he got help with how to control his temper and exercises to do when he was getting upset. They showed him alternative things he COULD do other than hit. I got headbutted one time he broke my nose. No remorse. But after he came out of the hospital - we both started counseling, I went to every parent group meeting I could - If Dude got out of control there - we left. I tried to get educated as much as I could and talk to as many people who would KNOW the contacts for my son if they saw him. Sitting in my house keeping him from the world did not do either of us any good. </p><p></p><p>So when you say you aren't sure about giving him medications. I understand. But if he was diabetic would you say NO WAY - not insulin for MY kid. And if he could get some help with his anger wouldn't you send him where others have gotten help? Anywhere =even a hospital??? And if you thought you could go to group meetings and talk with other parents about how he behaves - and get help - could you overlook the feeling of being embarrassed? I tell people I can slap a Maxi pad on my forehead and walk through walmart now on a Saturday and not be embarrassed.....and I mean it. I'm a lot tougher thanks to my kid. I've developed some really neat faces to make when people stare too. </p><p></p><p>I'm telling you - it's okay to let go of the movie in your head of how you think your sons life should have been. Only you knew what was playing in that theater anyway! Your son has a whole different thought. And that's okay too. If you can't figure out a rubics cube by turning the square over and over - you can't peel the stickers off =you just have to get help. If that help means doing things you don't think you can do - you can. If it means some time with a therapeutic foster family who is trained well - and you aren't sure about letting him go to them - ASK THEM WHERE YOU CAN GET THEIR KIND OF TRAINING and apply it to your lives. </p><p></p><p>Don't get discouraged - this is a lifelong battle.....and knowing that there is no magic pill or anything helped me get a grip. I figured as soon as we knew what this was - there would be a pill. Have a headache? Take an aspirin. Have a sprain? Take a Tylenol. Have a kid like mine? Take a ritalin. And if it were that simple - there wouldn't be this board, or thousands of families all trying to find mental health help. Ask your professors at school - someone has to know something for a single mom to do. Bug people - keep notes and I bless you with the strength of 100 pit bulls. (shazam) lol</p><p></p><p>Hugs - </p><p>Keep coming back here too - it is a GREAT outlet. Ask about books you can get free from the library - educate yourself about your son and his condition as much as you would if you wanted a Ph.d. in Mothering. </p><p></p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 136315, member: 4964"] Feelinalone. HI - so it really sounds like you are frustrated, tired, angry and at the end of your rope. I know that feeling all too well. My first thought after I read your posts was that there is little compromise in your thoughts. Ayeeeee before you get defensive hear me out because if I hadn't lived it I probably wouldn't recognize it. Okay? K. In our lives we make a lot of sacrifices. Sometimes as women we think we make more than men. Sometimes as Mothers we are sure we make more than anyone else. And in part I believe this is true. As the Mother of a difficult child we sacrifice a LOT of things that most other parents don't have to. This is not limited to Our careers, our friendships with people who don't understand our children or blame us for their behavior, the dreams we had for ourselves and the dreams we had for that tiny baby that once born was going to change the world just by being there with you. When I we pregnant with Dude - I had glorious visions of my son coming to me in an audience at college and yelling "And this" (shakes diploma) "Is all due to my Mom who supported me as a single Mother, sacrificed so much - Mom I love you." (and the crowd goes crazy). It included seeing myself as a PTA Mom, baking cupcakes, helping out in a classroom, amazing kids with my slight of hand tricks, drawing for them, and just having what I envisioned a good life." My marriage would get fixed, my son would be handsome and loving, smart - genuine. Little league games, school plays, I even thought about his name and how it would look on the door of his office as a lawyer or veterinarian. And over the years....a little bit of those dreams died each day. I would bargain with myself and say "Well okay - we didn't have home room cupcakes this year - but we can make a present for the teacher. Or So he's not in sports - I'll help him with chess or share a passion for books or animals. And as the years went by I ate the bittersweet reality that MY DREAM was not meant to be. I tried to push square pegs into round holes and MAKE my son fit as much as I could. And he didn't. The harder I tried, the worse he got. He must feel as though he's a tremendous disappointment to me, and he isn't. But I had to learn to let go of my dreams. And when someone suggested medicines? OMG I went ballistic. THIS was the ONLY baby anyone knew who was "green" - cloth diapers, no preservatives, breast fed etc.....and now you want to poison him? Oh God tell me this isn't happening. WHen it came down to either being expelled in 1st grade or staying in school - I cried all the way to the pharmacy and bawled the first time I handed him a pill. He was so little - he was so cute, he was so angry - and lashing out. At 6 we had him placed in the state hospital and evaluated and they put him on medications (3) got him stable and sent him home. Sending him home would have been great if I had been going to classes for myself to learn how to deal with a kid like him. My bitterness and sarcastic tone overshadowed the best of intentions I had to fix him and love him. At times I thought about being vindictive - to a 6 year old. He was so blankety blank mean. He destroyed things, he embarrassed me in public, he made sure I lost a 40k a year job with a future. He was out of control and I was STILL trying to put him in the Go to school, be a good kid, I'll be the PTA mom, and soccer camp person....and he wanted NOTHING to do with any of MY DREAMS and this made ME angry on so many levels I can remember shaking his shoulders one afternoon and saying "YOU JUST CAN'T GIVE ME ANYTHING CAN YOU?" and storming to my bedroom expecting him to cry and we make up - and instead he went outside and played like nothing happened. For a while I was on Food stamps (2 months) and I found a PT job to work and be at home. I got community assistance a few times, and tried to return the foodstamps card after the 2nd month because I got a job. Dude was getting out of the hospital and so I had to put him in daycare. Currently we are blacklisted from every day care in the county. News travels fast - bad news travels faster. And I was alone. I had a crazy x husband who was trying to hunt us down and kill us. I had a mentally challenged mother in law who cried every time she got near the phone with my son on it - begging him to solve a drug addicts problems - (her son my x) It was insane. And...I was going to therapy at the same time and So was my son. Medicaid paid for his - I cleaned offices and bathrooms to pay for mine. I got no child support, nothing. We were on our own. Eventually - someone talked to me like I'm talking to you and told me their story. See my son at age 6 took a hand held sling blade off the wall (antique decoration) and shot out the door of our home and after another child in the neighborhood. If I hadn't caught him - the kid would be dead and my son would be in jail still. He had snapped. And he was so out of it he destroyed an ER waiting room and 2 police came and handcuffed him to the bed which he proceeded to destroy. What was I to do? I had to work - I needed a place for us to call home. I had to put gas in my car, I had to pay bills, I was TRYING so hard to make a place for us, and he was slipping out of reality. He beat up teachers at day care, he pushed a toddler and made him hit his head - they had to take him to the ER. He pushed little girls, caused fights, hit everyone when he didn't get his way. He threw stuff, screamed, busted a window, threw his mattress OUT the window - tore his bed apart, literally - and all this while I'm trying to BEG someone for help. Finally the therapist I was seeing (not believing me I think about my son) suggested that if he was a danger to himself or others - I should take him to the ER. I did that - and like I said he went to the hospital. It was the worst day of my life and in some ways the best. While he was in the hospital - he got help with how to control his temper and exercises to do when he was getting upset. They showed him alternative things he COULD do other than hit. I got headbutted one time he broke my nose. No remorse. But after he came out of the hospital - we both started counseling, I went to every parent group meeting I could - If Dude got out of control there - we left. I tried to get educated as much as I could and talk to as many people who would KNOW the contacts for my son if they saw him. Sitting in my house keeping him from the world did not do either of us any good. So when you say you aren't sure about giving him medications. I understand. But if he was diabetic would you say NO WAY - not insulin for MY kid. And if he could get some help with his anger wouldn't you send him where others have gotten help? Anywhere =even a hospital??? And if you thought you could go to group meetings and talk with other parents about how he behaves - and get help - could you overlook the feeling of being embarrassed? I tell people I can slap a Maxi pad on my forehead and walk through walmart now on a Saturday and not be embarrassed.....and I mean it. I'm a lot tougher thanks to my kid. I've developed some really neat faces to make when people stare too. I'm telling you - it's okay to let go of the movie in your head of how you think your sons life should have been. Only you knew what was playing in that theater anyway! Your son has a whole different thought. And that's okay too. If you can't figure out a rubics cube by turning the square over and over - you can't peel the stickers off =you just have to get help. If that help means doing things you don't think you can do - you can. If it means some time with a therapeutic foster family who is trained well - and you aren't sure about letting him go to them - ASK THEM WHERE YOU CAN GET THEIR KIND OF TRAINING and apply it to your lives. Don't get discouraged - this is a lifelong battle.....and knowing that there is no magic pill or anything helped me get a grip. I figured as soon as we knew what this was - there would be a pill. Have a headache? Take an aspirin. Have a sprain? Take a Tylenol. Have a kid like mine? Take a ritalin. And if it were that simple - there wouldn't be this board, or thousands of families all trying to find mental health help. Ask your professors at school - someone has to know something for a single mom to do. Bug people - keep notes and I bless you with the strength of 100 pit bulls. (shazam) lol Hugs - Keep coming back here too - it is a GREAT outlet. Ask about books you can get free from the library - educate yourself about your son and his condition as much as you would if you wanted a Ph.d. in Mothering. Star [/QUOTE]
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Ok, so I went to the DV shelter today
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