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OK, Update- I got the job and now I need opinions
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 533125" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Take the job. </p><p></p><p>You are thinking about turning down a job that will make a HUGE difference in YOUR life in the long run, based on what might be a difficult period for ONE YEAR of difficult child's life? That seems like very shortsighted thinking. Sure, it is wonderful that E got such a lovely welcome into the new school, and that he loves where you live. Yes, the senior year IS important. HOWEVER, there should NEVER be the idea that this one year is 'the most important' or 'best' year of his life. </p><p></p><p>there is NO guarantee that he will still be so happy next year no matter WHAT you do. He might be incredibly bored there, make bad choices or meet the so-called wrong crowd at his job, and then he might get into trouble where you are. Or you could move and he might meet the love of his life, be welcomed, love school, benefit from the perks of the higher income, and end up at a fabulous college doing fabulous thing.</p><p></p><p>Or, he might make some bad choices, get into trouble, end up back inside, decide he is SICK of thug life and turn it around when he gets out. Or that he likes thug life and wants to keep it up.</p><p></p><p>E has GOT to learn to make good choices NO MATTER WHAT. He has to learn to survive being bored, being less than thrilled and still make good choices or else he is NEVER going to have a good life.</p><p></p><p>My folks were faced wth similar choices with gfgbro. He got into a lot of trouble and was headed to juvenile hall in 6th gr. the only real option they could find was a super strict school that cost double what our current school cost, where bro skipped 2 grades. Went from 6th to 9th because the Brothers believed that jr high years were just a review and kids needed the challenge of learning those years. Bro was in the school 3 yrs and after the first one, did very well. Then mom got an awesome job in another state and we moved. she got a LOT of pressure from the Cath church to leave him behind (gee, and the week before they were all 'family is everything'), but that was NOT an option. So we moved and he went into his sr year. He actually graduated hs 2 mos after he turned 16. He was in a TON of trouble that year, partly because he was doing a LOT of drinking and partly because he was skipping school more than he went (and no one called my parents!). He went to college for the next 2 yrs because my folks did NOT want him out of school doing nothing when they were liable $$wise for his actions. He got good grades as long as they rode him about them. Then he was a jr and went into a dorm and did was most freshman do. Partied his tushie off.</p><p></p><p>He dropped out when my folks refused to pay anymore. he was awful and finally they told him to leave so he went to the Army. He did a lot of things that were adventurous and sort of built a 'life' after he got out. If a life lasts 8-9 mos of the year and you go 'visit relatives' from Xmas to the end of April each year. My mom called it a life, I called it hiding from life. he had a TON of friends until he spent the whole year in on place and they realized how ehausting his lies are full time. And he ended up and alcoholic.</p><p></p><p>for YEARS my mother blamed his problems on either me or on moving him away for his sr year. Finally her therapist, my dad, bro and I and alanon told her it was nonsense. Yes, bro has a strange life. Yes, he is an alcoholic. Yes, he has more problems than that even if he won't face them. But they are NOTher fault. HE MADE CHOICES. <strong>CHOICES.</strong> He easily could have chosen to take 2 college courses per semester his sr year, to go to class, to do the work, to get help for the drinking problem that even HE knew was a problem and had been since he was 12. My mother let him have a beer with the family maybe three times a year. Everyone we know also allowed it. I could have if I wanted - any drink really. I made other choices. </p><p></p><p>Your difficult child is not a child except in legal age. does he need supervision and guidance? of course he does. Is his brain fully mature? Of course not. But will this year be the most critical one in his life? Only if <strong>HE</strong> chooses that. At his age, having been out of your home for so long, he is mostly independent in many ways. He is used to knowing the rules, the consequences, and doing what he chooses to do and accepting those consequences. Sure you need to talk about that with him, encourage him, support him. But moving is NOT going to ruin or make his life. HE is going to dot hat and only he CAN do that.</p><p></p><p>Have you asked him if he thinks this is a good thing? His preference? </p><p></p><p>I think this school was great for him. It has given him PROOF that he is able to enjoy life while making good choices. I know, for a FACT, that the bad choices are in every school in the nation. He easily could have joined the stoners or thugs and taken that road. He chose better this time. I think he will in the future also, but if I am wrong? it is NOT my fault. It won't be your fault if he makes bad choices, regardless what anyone tells you. You NEVER chose to smoke weed for him, to break the law for him, and you won't ever choose those things. You simply cannot choose those things for him. Only he can.</p><p></p><p>So take the job, let him know you trust him to make good choices, esp because he has proven he is able to, and take this leap of faith. Move, find a smaller home that you both like, and enjoy the upturn in your circumstances! You worked HARD for the skills that make you able to do this work, and YOU are important. do the work that you enjoy, and trust E to do what he needs to so that he can have a future doing the work that he enjoys, whatever that is.</p><p></p><p>After all, he only has 1 year, and it is going to FLY if you are at the new job. You will HATE life if you stay at this job. That will make life at home very hard for E. He will blame himself for your every problem, esp work and $, because if it wasn't for him you would have $ and a job you enjoy. That is a HUGE load for a high school kid, and in my opinion that guilt could push him to bad choices to get away from it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 533125, member: 1233"] Take the job. You are thinking about turning down a job that will make a HUGE difference in YOUR life in the long run, based on what might be a difficult period for ONE YEAR of difficult child's life? That seems like very shortsighted thinking. Sure, it is wonderful that E got such a lovely welcome into the new school, and that he loves where you live. Yes, the senior year IS important. HOWEVER, there should NEVER be the idea that this one year is 'the most important' or 'best' year of his life. there is NO guarantee that he will still be so happy next year no matter WHAT you do. He might be incredibly bored there, make bad choices or meet the so-called wrong crowd at his job, and then he might get into trouble where you are. Or you could move and he might meet the love of his life, be welcomed, love school, benefit from the perks of the higher income, and end up at a fabulous college doing fabulous thing. Or, he might make some bad choices, get into trouble, end up back inside, decide he is SICK of thug life and turn it around when he gets out. Or that he likes thug life and wants to keep it up. E has GOT to learn to make good choices NO MATTER WHAT. He has to learn to survive being bored, being less than thrilled and still make good choices or else he is NEVER going to have a good life. My folks were faced wth similar choices with gfgbro. He got into a lot of trouble and was headed to juvenile hall in 6th gr. the only real option they could find was a super strict school that cost double what our current school cost, where bro skipped 2 grades. Went from 6th to 9th because the Brothers believed that jr high years were just a review and kids needed the challenge of learning those years. Bro was in the school 3 yrs and after the first one, did very well. Then mom got an awesome job in another state and we moved. she got a LOT of pressure from the Cath church to leave him behind (gee, and the week before they were all 'family is everything'), but that was NOT an option. So we moved and he went into his sr year. He actually graduated hs 2 mos after he turned 16. He was in a TON of trouble that year, partly because he was doing a LOT of drinking and partly because he was skipping school more than he went (and no one called my parents!). He went to college for the next 2 yrs because my folks did NOT want him out of school doing nothing when they were liable $$wise for his actions. He got good grades as long as they rode him about them. Then he was a jr and went into a dorm and did was most freshman do. Partied his tushie off. He dropped out when my folks refused to pay anymore. he was awful and finally they told him to leave so he went to the Army. He did a lot of things that were adventurous and sort of built a 'life' after he got out. If a life lasts 8-9 mos of the year and you go 'visit relatives' from Xmas to the end of April each year. My mom called it a life, I called it hiding from life. he had a TON of friends until he spent the whole year in on place and they realized how ehausting his lies are full time. And he ended up and alcoholic. for YEARS my mother blamed his problems on either me or on moving him away for his sr year. Finally her therapist, my dad, bro and I and alanon told her it was nonsense. Yes, bro has a strange life. Yes, he is an alcoholic. Yes, he has more problems than that even if he won't face them. But they are NOTher fault. HE MADE CHOICES. [B]CHOICES.[/B] He easily could have chosen to take 2 college courses per semester his sr year, to go to class, to do the work, to get help for the drinking problem that even HE knew was a problem and had been since he was 12. My mother let him have a beer with the family maybe three times a year. Everyone we know also allowed it. I could have if I wanted - any drink really. I made other choices. Your difficult child is not a child except in legal age. does he need supervision and guidance? of course he does. Is his brain fully mature? Of course not. But will this year be the most critical one in his life? Only if [B]HE[/B] chooses that. At his age, having been out of your home for so long, he is mostly independent in many ways. He is used to knowing the rules, the consequences, and doing what he chooses to do and accepting those consequences. Sure you need to talk about that with him, encourage him, support him. But moving is NOT going to ruin or make his life. HE is going to dot hat and only he CAN do that. Have you asked him if he thinks this is a good thing? His preference? I think this school was great for him. It has given him PROOF that he is able to enjoy life while making good choices. I know, for a FACT, that the bad choices are in every school in the nation. He easily could have joined the stoners or thugs and taken that road. He chose better this time. I think he will in the future also, but if I am wrong? it is NOT my fault. It won't be your fault if he makes bad choices, regardless what anyone tells you. You NEVER chose to smoke weed for him, to break the law for him, and you won't ever choose those things. You simply cannot choose those things for him. Only he can. So take the job, let him know you trust him to make good choices, esp because he has proven he is able to, and take this leap of faith. Move, find a smaller home that you both like, and enjoy the upturn in your circumstances! You worked HARD for the skills that make you able to do this work, and YOU are important. do the work that you enjoy, and trust E to do what he needs to so that he can have a future doing the work that he enjoys, whatever that is. After all, he only has 1 year, and it is going to FLY if you are at the new job. You will HATE life if you stay at this job. That will make life at home very hard for E. He will blame himself for your every problem, esp work and $, because if it wasn't for him you would have $ and a job you enjoy. That is a HUGE load for a high school kid, and in my opinion that guilt could push him to bad choices to get away from it. [/QUOTE]
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