Ok Venting as usual...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Confused, Jan 21, 2015.

  1. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    I am broken! Done! I am going to look around to hire someone to come in and wake my son up for school, get him ready, deal with any tantrums ( like this morning) Pick him up and help him with homework. Because today was the final straw. I told him he goes to daycare this summer he is not staying home. Weekends too if need be!!! Looks like Ill be working two jobs just to pay daycare and bills as soon as I find one! Then two...

    He started because we said no convenient store( he asked) this morning he can bring his lunch which he knew understood and was gently reminded when he asked the last few days no. Well , during his tantrum he ripped the door( peeling the wood off) ruined the toilet paper, bit himself, screamed like a mad man banged, threw everything in there and in the living room what wasnt bolted down and slammed the door hard on my pinky finger has lots of blood on it and he had NO remorse or care.. he wont when he calms down either :( He has no remorse period... never does.... He squished food on the floor and wished us and him dead once again. POLICE he YELLS!!!! POLICE he will call... like he did last time. Well before the threats I told him go to the store fine, just go to school cuz I have a plumber coming within the hr or more to fix to toilet. So he says he wants to be home-schooled like his sister!! I KNEW this would happen!!!!!!!I cant not have him home home like her, as long as daughter is in a good mood, shes easy to get along with. Which as long as she doesnt have to go to school shes in a good mood generally. Plus she is old enough to be alone during the day and son is not and even if he was, I have NO trust in him.

    So, Im making calls again to see who can get him in sooner for another psychiatric evaluation..therapist etc ..Ill let you know as soon as we go, almost every time I say I have an appointment we jinx it and it doesnt work out!
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    If my son tore the door off, I'd have called the cops for transfer to psychiatric hospital. He was totally out of control. But you have to call when it is happening.
  3. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    So he threw a fit and got what he wanted. You have got to stop bending with him.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    A friend of mine, who adopted two kids who were as crazed as your son, did call the cops when her son got violent, at all ages. That turned out good because the police started to know the child and the family and when it turned out he got worse and really needed help he was able to live in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). He hasn't been back home since then. I think he was about eleven when he left. Now his situation was a little different, although he was violent, vile, and nobody could diagnose him. His birthmother had been schizophrenic and he also obviously had Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) (interestingly his sister responded GREAT to outpatient and is a wonderful young woman now, but I digress). This child admitted he was attracted to young girls and he had a six year old sister so he was taken to the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and only allowed to come home with extreme supervised visits. This freed up the entire family, however there were no extended relatives involved, just her husband and three other children. Things calmed down once he was gone. I don't believe she ever felt guilty. She knew she could not help him at home...he was getting worse...and she didn't want to put her other younger daughter at risk.

    Sadly, we will never know how she feels about this today. I never posted this as it was too hard for me, but she died at age forty-two a few weeks ago. Now she smoked and they say it was a blood clot. Many think it was the stress too. I don't, but it is floating around there. She spent twelve years trying to help this wild almost feral child and at the same time care for her other kids. AND this was with a wonderful husband who HELPED her as much as he could, but he did work on the road a lot as he drives a train.

    As always, I ask you to lighten your load. You have way too much on your plate. If it isn't one person it is another. Find help for all those who can get it and chill down so you can regain your mental and physical health and live a normal life. Every time I hear of your troubles all I can think of is that you must be a very strong person to survive all this, however you can't be a HAPPY person.

    From now on, if your son gets violent, CALL THE COPS. That is what got this boy into Residential Treatment Center (RTC). They did not arrest such a young boy. They took him for help. The last I heard from her, he still did not have one final diagnosis, although schizoaffective and autism were both suspected (as well as the Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)). They have not figured it out yet and maybe they never will. But his grieving father, who does not need this boy's chaos, and the boy's grieving siblings, who had a remarkable mother, can try to get their lives together in peace. Have you ever experienced peace? It is awesome. I don't think I felt true peace until I hit my 50's. I was working on it in my 40s! I don't know your age, but it's never too early to make your life better.

    Don't ask your family about the cops. Just do it. What they think DOES NOT MATTER. YOU are the parent. YOU need the help. Don't even engage your family about your son. Just say, "I decided I don't want to talk about my treatment regarding (his name) anymore. Not with anyone. Sorry." Then do it. That will also destress you as they learn not to ask questions because they will get no answers. If they criticize your choices, walk away, walk away, walk away.

    It's your time now. HUgs!!!!
  5. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I can't remember if your son has a psychiatrist? If so I would be calling every single time he gets like this! I did this when my difficult child was violent. My son ended up hospitalized several times and eventually (with the right medications on board and lots of therapy things improved-far from perfect but so much better).

    Also, what MWM said about lightening your load is so important. Have you taken any "me" time lately? It is truly so important. If I had not done that during difficult child's roughest years I wouldn't be here today.
  6. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Insane, I know I just am still against the cop thing.

    dstc, I know, this time it was my fault for giving In. I knew when I gave in it was a mistake and not being able to handle the tantrums should of been no excuse.

    Midwest. Im so sorry for your loss :( That was a very stressful situation your friend was in. As far as me, peace? Im lucky and sometimes hating when I get even 20 minutes because I know something can come up in those 20 minutes, or its all gonna start again.. so ya, always on edge. I wonder what peace would be like.... Sometimes I think to myself " theres so much drama daily that I sometimes cant even believe its all true"

    Wiped, No, we are working on it..Hes been to a Counselor, Neuro psychiatric evaluation, Neurologist, Speech Therapy, and soon to be anger Management Classes and yes a psychiatrist hopefully asap
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Why are you against the cops? Will you be against the cops when your son defaces somebody else's property or assaults somebody? If this keeps up, he will meet the cops soon and so will you. And without money, you won't be able to make the cops go away. And since he is a minor, you will be responsible too. Think of his teen years and what he might do that would destroy all of you. They will ask if he is getting any treatment. What will you tell them? You will be taken to task as, since he lives at home with you, you are responsible for him and his activities.

    Your son isn't going to get any help without outside sources. You don't work. You have no income. You need free help and he desperately needs help or you will find him in jail as a young adult. He has not been taught coping skills. He has never been totally diagnosed. Conduct disorder, which was his last probably diagnosis, is the equivalent of an adult who has antisocial personality disorder, which means he has no conscience and you will live to regret not getting him help NOW when he still has hope.

    Are you afraid the cops may see something in YOUR house they don't like? This is not for OUR knowledge, but for your own. Is Grandpa abusive? Is the house close to condemnation? Is Dad a drug user? Is Sis a drug user? If so, why are you kids around them? If not, you should not be afraid of your son or to show him that there are serious consequences to breaking the law, such as hitting people or defacing property. I mean...this is just what parents are for. Not everyone has it easy. Some are single parents. Lots of our warrior moms fought alone and fought abusive ex's. It is NOT just you.

    But most WERE willing to confront their children's problems and do whatever they could to try to stop the bleeding. It doesn't always work, but isn't your son worth a good try? Without money...and I had no money either...you are going to have to use public resources. I suggest you read Parent Emeritus and see what can happen when kids with Conduct Disorder grow up and most of those adult kids had A LOT of help. Your son not getting any is pretty much asking for him to turn out the wrong way.
    His only male role models abuse you and act horrible themselves. He needs to get away as much as you need him to get away. But Dad is abusive and an alcoholic. He is not a safe option. If not the cops, call Social Services and ask for help.

    And this is only for your mind. I don't in any way expect you to share anything like this with us. It is not our business. If by any chance you are afraid of public resources because your home and life are unacceptable to them...then you really do need to change it. And you can do it. You just need to ask for services, which is odd that you have none...welfare, Medicaid, food stamps, free counseling for your son, maybe domestic abuse is somebody is beating on you, even your son. Even Grandpa.

    You can come out of this a better person with better kids. Right now your son is looking like a future criminal. Don't be one of those moms who sees it and knows it inside, but wont' do anything to at least try to stop it, hon. You are nice and good and I know you don't want that life for your son. At least try. Make him first. Put him first. Clean up whatever scares you about getting government help, and make sure your son has half a chance for a decent life.
  8. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    I have nothing to hide, no abuse, nothing wrong with the home, no drugs etc. I dont let anyone near my kids that use drugs ( I dont know anybody anyways) or even drink alcohol until they r sober or its out of their system!! I dont trust our system, I mean there are very few real and excellent doctors,psychiatric, counselors, law enforcement, etc. And I haven't gave up for help for my son, Im looking and calling, and constantly recording and going in places. Like dstc mentioned, I cant give in to tantrums no matter how bad they are, thats a mixed signal on my part. But going on why, lets start with my cousins. When my cousins were little CPS /COPs were constantly involved in their life because of my Aunts( by marriage) drug/alcohol issues and mainly her a certain man in her life. No matter what, they kept giving her kids back to her. I mean of course I believe in second chances etc, but still. Then, look at the parents who try like us, and we are blamed for whatever. Like domestic violence, cops dont give a darn- they arrest the victim at times for self defense wounds left on the assaulter. Not true in all cases, but again, my life exp. Anyways, another thing is I have actually mentioned police to a couple doctors and they said that will traumatize my son for him just being in a rage, not worth it. I think I still have that mentality where hes my child, our family has to deal with him, in a way like if we just call the cops and hand him over its like" here take em bye" Thats just how I was raised BUT Im learning thats its not always meant like that yes its to help the child , Im slowly getting that from here mainly.

    But now, like what your saying if he hurts someone or does damage someone elses property then, yes, my son has to have the cops called on him, I completely agree. And I will personally call.My dad actually has some cop friends and those are who we trust ( the rare and few).

    I understand what your saying and I know I have to get a handle on it now. I actually have read both Substance abuse and PE, so I see what my kids future could be like both sides of it, the bad sides scare the heck outa me. Medicaid does pay for services and thats another reason some appts /places take a long time for them, besides the offices reg waiting time. Of course I want to help my kids and I do the best I can, again, I do have gov resources, I do have Food Stamps for them/me, they have medicaid, they always see doctors, dentists, when reg visits and any non reg visits, ( even if medicaid doesn't pay) get their flu shots, they got plenty of clothes, food, love, shelter, etc. When they were small I had WIC, when son had speech delays he had ECI, then another speech place because he was older then 3 and had to be referred for places dealt with over 3. So I been on /with the system to long and its time I get on my feet I agree. Oh I even applied for medicaid for me, but before I couldnt I had to be disabled or pregnant, all of a sudden it read" apply for medicaid if caring for a minor child" soooo, I don't know? Maybe I will get it? Even just basic PAPS, blood work would be great :) I do want the best for my son and daughter, Ill do whatever it takes to make that possible.

    Another big reason I also give in to tantrums to be honest ( besides me stressing) is because my dad and grandpa are old/ill so I try to keep my son quite. Thats why I said I want my own place with son and daughter, so I can let them scream it out, so I can have MY rules, so I dont have to ALWAYS stop what Im doing with kids( or even a job-I could stay at my job unless complete real emergency for other family) and run to aid an elder( no offense to them I mean I just need my times with my kids is all) So I dont have to live off anyone once I get a job this will help.
  9. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I understand your concerns about calling the police. The flip side of this is that more than likely you will get more help for your son. I speak from experience.
  10. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    I know - theres some more reasons I dont like or trust them, maybe thats just the batch I have in this city. I know, Im doing lots of thinking and to add something.. my son has had a temper and moody on some days when he first wakes, but I do think the Daytrana patch is making it worse again. Im going to have him on it a week then a week not... I wish he would take the VYvanse, that was the best for him and us!Thank you all