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OMG, his plan is to return here...
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<blockquote data-quote="tishthedish" data-source="post: 657666" data-attributes="member: 17103"><p>I'm reading along BG and have you on my mind. Every time my sons pull a new stunt I feel like someone has thrown freezing cold water in my face. Like the ALS challenge. The people knew the cold water was coming, they braced for it, but it still startled them. That's me. I always am surprised at their misbehavior. The fact of it and the degree.</p><p></p><p>In families we know each others secrets and each family member's soft white underbelly. Even as children, we knew our parents' vulnerabilities and our children know ours. Mine have preyed upon my fears and frailties deliberately as a way to manipulate me and confound me. They have illness and addiction, but for them to sucker punch me verbally like they have took thought. It took memory and motive. That happening to me is over. I won't tolerate it. The slightest testiness on their part, or a profanity and I'm out the door, off the phone, rubber hitting the road. I won't let it get to that level ever again. I can't. For me, I can't ever. </p><p></p><p>One of the things that has helped me so much is Al-Anon. One of their slogans is "Think". Profound, huh? For me it is, because my knee jerk reaction to any of their requests was always <em><u>sure</u></em>...even before I knew what it was. And then once I knew, I didn't feel right about going back on my word. It could apply to anything...moving in, cooking, lending money, giving money, babysitting, buying groceries, handing over the car keys, funding a jail account, you name it. Though they had no problem breaking promise after promise to me, no matter how heartfelt they sounded. Like what happened to Lil and Jabber, my sons could also totally ignore me. I was unheeded and unheard. Double the insult. Cue the ice water.</p><p></p><p>So now I THINK first. <em>BG, you did great refusing him that ride</em>. You thought about it said no. These children of ours will do anything and everything to maneuver their way back into our lives, even if it seems like they don't like us much. There is something warm and familiar about us and with all the chaos they choose to live in, they like to have us close. Even if we suffer. Even if we get sick. Even if we get hurt. Even if we do things to ourselves that are not loving or supportive. Even as we grow weary with age. It's an abomination.</p><p></p><p>Surprise is our enemy. We have to stay vigilant and alert, lest we think the Storm is over and we can be regular Mommies again.</p><p></p><p>So many of us have been in the Storm and the FOG for so long now. I have come to the conclusion that I may never be able to mother like I used to. I am grateful that I am a mother and was able to have a family and raise my children in a happy and loving home, but that's what my husband and I chose for our lives. We put our family and their happiness first. What my sons choose for themselves and their children is going to look different. I have to learn to be ok with that. Live and let live. Another Al-Anon slogan.</p><p></p><p>Given your story, the violence and your son's recent verbal aggression on the phone, BG, you cannot <u><em>afford</em></u> to be wrong or make an error in judgement. Not even once. The fact that he invited you to spend "not 24 but 36 hours" living his lifestyle suggests that he's not done with you. You be done with him. He lost his right to demand anything of you when he put you into the ICU. Make a rule for yourself that may help assuage your guilt. You will let him back into your life when he has been clean, sober, self-supporting and self-sufficient to a level that is to be expected of someone of his age FOR TWO CONSECUTIVE YEARS. There. You're not saying never. If he doesn't do it, it's on him. Something tells me you were a great mom for 18+ years. If you can do that, he can give you 2. And still, I can't speak for you, but if my sons had perpetrated that kind of violence on me, I would not trust for a long, long, time. Longer than 2 years. And I would not be alone with them. If I wanted to see them, it would be in public. If you are dreading his coming to town, get a restraining order. Your gut is talking to you and you have to listen. Tell your heart that, in this matter, your gut and your brain get to decide the right course.</p><p></p><p>Everyone's posted great advice. I would trust these people with my life and often do. Clear your head. Go get the job you want. Move to Colorado. Move to California. You always wanted to go back and it is closer to Colorado than Illinois. Handle yourself with care. Remember that sometimes the definition of heaven is backing away from hell. Just take one step away, then another. You'll be going in the right direction.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="tishthedish, post: 657666, member: 17103"] I'm reading along BG and have you on my mind. Every time my sons pull a new stunt I feel like someone has thrown freezing cold water in my face. Like the ALS challenge. The people knew the cold water was coming, they braced for it, but it still startled them. That's me. I always am surprised at their misbehavior. The fact of it and the degree. In families we know each others secrets and each family member's soft white underbelly. Even as children, we knew our parents' vulnerabilities and our children know ours. Mine have preyed upon my fears and frailties deliberately as a way to manipulate me and confound me. They have illness and addiction, but for them to sucker punch me verbally like they have took thought. It took memory and motive. That happening to me is over. I won't tolerate it. The slightest testiness on their part, or a profanity and I'm out the door, off the phone, rubber hitting the road. I won't let it get to that level ever again. I can't. For me, I can't ever. One of the things that has helped me so much is Al-Anon. One of their slogans is "Think". Profound, huh? For me it is, because my knee jerk reaction to any of their requests was always [I][U]sure[/U][/I]...even before I knew what it was. And then once I knew, I didn't feel right about going back on my word. It could apply to anything...moving in, cooking, lending money, giving money, babysitting, buying groceries, handing over the car keys, funding a jail account, you name it. Though they had no problem breaking promise after promise to me, no matter how heartfelt they sounded. Like what happened to Lil and Jabber, my sons could also totally ignore me. I was unheeded and unheard. Double the insult. Cue the ice water. So now I THINK first. [I]BG, you did great refusing him that ride[/I]. You thought about it said no. These children of ours will do anything and everything to maneuver their way back into our lives, even if it seems like they don't like us much. There is something warm and familiar about us and with all the chaos they choose to live in, they like to have us close. Even if we suffer. Even if we get sick. Even if we get hurt. Even if we do things to ourselves that are not loving or supportive. Even as we grow weary with age. It's an abomination. Surprise is our enemy. We have to stay vigilant and alert, lest we think the Storm is over and we can be regular Mommies again. So many of us have been in the Storm and the FOG for so long now. I have come to the conclusion that I may never be able to mother like I used to. I am grateful that I am a mother and was able to have a family and raise my children in a happy and loving home, but that's what my husband and I chose for our lives. We put our family and their happiness first. What my sons choose for themselves and their children is going to look different. I have to learn to be ok with that. Live and let live. Another Al-Anon slogan. Given your story, the violence and your son's recent verbal aggression on the phone, BG, you cannot [U][I]afford[/I][/U] to be wrong or make an error in judgement. Not even once. The fact that he invited you to spend "not 24 but 36 hours" living his lifestyle suggests that he's not done with you. You be done with him. He lost his right to demand anything of you when he put you into the ICU. Make a rule for yourself that may help assuage your guilt. You will let him back into your life when he has been clean, sober, self-supporting and self-sufficient to a level that is to be expected of someone of his age FOR TWO CONSECUTIVE YEARS. There. You're not saying never. If he doesn't do it, it's on him. Something tells me you were a great mom for 18+ years. If you can do that, he can give you 2. And still, I can't speak for you, but if my sons had perpetrated that kind of violence on me, I would not trust for a long, long, time. Longer than 2 years. And I would not be alone with them. If I wanted to see them, it would be in public. If you are dreading his coming to town, get a restraining order. Your gut is talking to you and you have to listen. Tell your heart that, in this matter, your gut and your brain get to decide the right course. Everyone's posted great advice. I would trust these people with my life and often do. Clear your head. Go get the job you want. Move to Colorado. Move to California. You always wanted to go back and it is closer to Colorado than Illinois. Handle yourself with care. Remember that sometimes the definition of heaven is backing away from hell. Just take one step away, then another. You'll be going in the right direction. [/QUOTE]
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