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OMG - phone bill
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 235858" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Star, you said it so well.</p><p></p><p>Kjs, I've been worried about you for some time. It's a vibe I've been picking up - whever anything goes wrong, whenever you're upset about your son, you are taking it so much to heart and saying, in effect, "What is wrong with me, that they treat me this way?" YOu bat yourself up to extremes over things, and I justcouldn't understand why.</p><p></p><p>Now I understand. And it's not good. Now I'm REALLY worried about you!</p><p></p><p>You and I have 'talked' before, I know you're an intelligent, capable woman with a lot of love in her heart. But lately, you've been getting REALLY dragged down by things, far more than I have felt was perhaps appropriate to the situation. But if this is because you have been increasingly falling into the behaviour pattern of an abused partner, that would explain so very much. And until you can see this and begin to make the change, this will continue and escalate.</p><p></p><p>You do not deserve this. Your husband's issues are NOTHING to do with you, but in his own mind he is projecting, so he can blame you (and thereby absolve himself of all responsibility). In this process, he is teaching your son how to abdicate responsibility, and how to avoid having to feel guilty when there is a handy emotional punching bag (you) around.</p><p></p><p>So what the H is wrong with him?</p><p>I don't know, but I can guess. There can be many causes, but in general, blokes won't turn down sex when it's available. You're both growing old together (and wrinkly, and equally attractive/unattractive), but unless he's cruising around bars and getting lots of sex that way, his not touching you is a sign that he's probably not touching ANYBODY.</p><p>As I said, a bloke will try to have sex primarily to have sex. If he's got a willing wife, then that will do. A bloke who is not having sex with a willing wife - it won't be because she is unattractive. I've heard too many blokes make jokes about "it's not her head I'm interested in."</p><p>So my theory - for whatever reason, he is avoiding sex or unable to have sex. But impotence doesn't take away the urge. Plus there is that part of a bloke so desperate to be seen by other men as "normal", that they will lie, they will cover up, they wiull attack other people who get close to the secret, rather than admit there is a problem.</p><p></p><p>A bloke like this - he probably loves you. I'm not kidding you. He probably really loves you, may really value all the great things you do for him, for your son, for the family. But he probably also resents you a great deal, because you're a success and he is not. He could well blame impotence on you emasculating him by being a success.</p><p></p><p>There can be all sorts of medical reasons for a bloke past his 20s to become impotent. He could be drinking too much. Smoking too much. He could be in the early stages of diabetes or high blood pressure. He could have a weight problem. Or all of the above. But rather than admit there is a problem, rather than say, "I need help," he would rather totally wreck his life and his marriage and be nasty. Because by being nasty to you, he is making it clear to everybody, "I am not the problem - she is."</p><p></p><p>And he's good at it. Darned good. He's got YOU convinced, hasn't he? And difficult child - he's got the message too.</p><p></p><p>The porn - it is possible he's not looking at it all that much. I have a slide phone, it's a real headache if I put it in my pocket, because it redials the last nimber, over and over, and sends my bill through the roof. It IS possible that while at work, showing off his new phone to the blokes (it's a bloke thing, boys and their toys - an extension of their libido, at least it's perceived that way by other blokes), he dialled the link (at their request, wanting to get someone else to pay for some free eye candy). And enjoyed, with co-workers, some pics of girls in bikinis, etc. Then put te phone in his pocket and, being technolopgically inept, now refuses to beleive he's been dialling the phone so often. He probably didn't intend to, but last number re-dial is what is happening, so at some point he did knowingly call it.</p><p></p><p>Again, it's not about you. ALthough using a phone that his wife pays for, to look at women not his wife, because he's too ashamed to admit, even to his wife, that he's impotent - that's really low. And sick.</p><p></p><p>Some blokes are total idiots about this sort of problem. They are so hung up about their sexuality and "manhood" that they would rather make their wives feel it's teir fault, than admit there is a physical problem. If challenged, he would probably say, "Kjs MUST know I'm impotent, every time she asks me for sex is like a slap in the face, like she's taunting me over it." Because that is the egocentric way they think.</p><p></p><p>Have you ever been on a diet? Given up chocolate for Lent? You know how you crave the one thing you can't have? Well, depending on the casue of impotence, men are like this too. </p><p></p><p>You have big problems in your relationship, it seems. And sex is only a symptom. It's barely scratching the surface. The main problems you have - </p><p></p><p>1) Communication. There is something woring with him and he is choosing to lie and bully rather than admit to it.</p><p></p><p>2) He is choosing to bully rather than communicate - that is not showing love to your life partner. He may not realise how much he is hurting you, he may be afraid that if he admits to problems that you will stop loving him. Some men are idiots, aren't they? I call it the "Andy Capp" syndrome, after a British comic series of the 60s and 70s. Some men learn how to live in a relationship, by studying cliched humour and living it. I saw the same behaviour in my ex-brother in law, he had my sister totally convinced she was worthless, ugly, unattractive and should be grateful he chose to stay with her.</p><p></p><p>THis isn't your problem, if he won't talk about what is really wrong. You can get counselling, you need to find your self-esteem and to realise that you have nothing to be hard on yourself for. You need to find your spine, stiffen it, learn to let this sort of stuff slide right off like a fried egg off a teflon pan (into his lap - it won't do any damage).</p><p></p><p>Not only do you owe it to yourself, you owe it to difficult child. And if your husband is not beyond redemption it could be what he needs, to finally have to face that he can't blame you any longer, because you just won't wear it. Not at all.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there, honey. You are a good person, you've just been running a Red Queen's Race. It's time to shift to running a race where there is a finish line in sight, where you can put that effort into some positive progress.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 235858, member: 1991"] Star, you said it so well. Kjs, I've been worried about you for some time. It's a vibe I've been picking up - whever anything goes wrong, whenever you're upset about your son, you are taking it so much to heart and saying, in effect, "What is wrong with me, that they treat me this way?" YOu bat yourself up to extremes over things, and I justcouldn't understand why. Now I understand. And it's not good. Now I'm REALLY worried about you! You and I have 'talked' before, I know you're an intelligent, capable woman with a lot of love in her heart. But lately, you've been getting REALLY dragged down by things, far more than I have felt was perhaps appropriate to the situation. But if this is because you have been increasingly falling into the behaviour pattern of an abused partner, that would explain so very much. And until you can see this and begin to make the change, this will continue and escalate. You do not deserve this. Your husband's issues are NOTHING to do with you, but in his own mind he is projecting, so he can blame you (and thereby absolve himself of all responsibility). In this process, he is teaching your son how to abdicate responsibility, and how to avoid having to feel guilty when there is a handy emotional punching bag (you) around. So what the H is wrong with him? I don't know, but I can guess. There can be many causes, but in general, blokes won't turn down sex when it's available. You're both growing old together (and wrinkly, and equally attractive/unattractive), but unless he's cruising around bars and getting lots of sex that way, his not touching you is a sign that he's probably not touching ANYBODY. As I said, a bloke will try to have sex primarily to have sex. If he's got a willing wife, then that will do. A bloke who is not having sex with a willing wife - it won't be because she is unattractive. I've heard too many blokes make jokes about "it's not her head I'm interested in." So my theory - for whatever reason, he is avoiding sex or unable to have sex. But impotence doesn't take away the urge. Plus there is that part of a bloke so desperate to be seen by other men as "normal", that they will lie, they will cover up, they wiull attack other people who get close to the secret, rather than admit there is a problem. A bloke like this - he probably loves you. I'm not kidding you. He probably really loves you, may really value all the great things you do for him, for your son, for the family. But he probably also resents you a great deal, because you're a success and he is not. He could well blame impotence on you emasculating him by being a success. There can be all sorts of medical reasons for a bloke past his 20s to become impotent. He could be drinking too much. Smoking too much. He could be in the early stages of diabetes or high blood pressure. He could have a weight problem. Or all of the above. But rather than admit there is a problem, rather than say, "I need help," he would rather totally wreck his life and his marriage and be nasty. Because by being nasty to you, he is making it clear to everybody, "I am not the problem - she is." And he's good at it. Darned good. He's got YOU convinced, hasn't he? And difficult child - he's got the message too. The porn - it is possible he's not looking at it all that much. I have a slide phone, it's a real headache if I put it in my pocket, because it redials the last nimber, over and over, and sends my bill through the roof. It IS possible that while at work, showing off his new phone to the blokes (it's a bloke thing, boys and their toys - an extension of their libido, at least it's perceived that way by other blokes), he dialled the link (at their request, wanting to get someone else to pay for some free eye candy). And enjoyed, with co-workers, some pics of girls in bikinis, etc. Then put te phone in his pocket and, being technolopgically inept, now refuses to beleive he's been dialling the phone so often. He probably didn't intend to, but last number re-dial is what is happening, so at some point he did knowingly call it. Again, it's not about you. ALthough using a phone that his wife pays for, to look at women not his wife, because he's too ashamed to admit, even to his wife, that he's impotent - that's really low. And sick. Some blokes are total idiots about this sort of problem. They are so hung up about their sexuality and "manhood" that they would rather make their wives feel it's teir fault, than admit there is a physical problem. If challenged, he would probably say, "Kjs MUST know I'm impotent, every time she asks me for sex is like a slap in the face, like she's taunting me over it." Because that is the egocentric way they think. Have you ever been on a diet? Given up chocolate for Lent? You know how you crave the one thing you can't have? Well, depending on the casue of impotence, men are like this too. You have big problems in your relationship, it seems. And sex is only a symptom. It's barely scratching the surface. The main problems you have - 1) Communication. There is something woring with him and he is choosing to lie and bully rather than admit to it. 2) He is choosing to bully rather than communicate - that is not showing love to your life partner. He may not realise how much he is hurting you, he may be afraid that if he admits to problems that you will stop loving him. Some men are idiots, aren't they? I call it the "Andy Capp" syndrome, after a British comic series of the 60s and 70s. Some men learn how to live in a relationship, by studying cliched humour and living it. I saw the same behaviour in my ex-brother in law, he had my sister totally convinced she was worthless, ugly, unattractive and should be grateful he chose to stay with her. THis isn't your problem, if he won't talk about what is really wrong. You can get counselling, you need to find your self-esteem and to realise that you have nothing to be hard on yourself for. You need to find your spine, stiffen it, learn to let this sort of stuff slide right off like a fried egg off a teflon pan (into his lap - it won't do any damage). Not only do you owe it to yourself, you owe it to difficult child. And if your husband is not beyond redemption it could be what he needs, to finally have to face that he can't blame you any longer, because you just won't wear it. Not at all. Hang in there, honey. You are a good person, you've just been running a Red Queen's Race. It's time to shift to running a race where there is a finish line in sight, where you can put that effort into some positive progress. Marg [/QUOTE]
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