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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 9528" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>We've found that natural consequences do work the best. if it turns out that they manage to escape the natural consequences by good luck or good fortune, not good management, we role play a little bit. Example: she didn't wear mittens and would have got cold hands except grandma had a spare pair of mittens which she lent her. We say, what a good thing it is that grandma planned ahead, to prevent the granddaughter having cold hands. Thank you, grandma! Maybe granddaughter can remember next time and maybe bring a spare pair in case someone else forgets. But certainly, granddaughter owed grandma a favour. What is something nice that granddaughter can do for grandma to say thank you? Make her a pot of coffee when you get home? Make some hot chocolate for her?</p><p>It's not punishment in any way, it's something positive because making hot chocolate for grandma means granddaughter has some too. But it's still a reminder of WHY she's doing a favour for grandma - it all helps the lesson sink in.</p><p></p><p>There are also natural consequences for doing GOOD things. difficult child 3 opens the car door for grandma - she says, "Thank you," and tells him what a gentleman he is becoming. He feels happy about his actions and it boosts his self-esteem. He then continues to help grandma because it makes him feel good. So grandma continues to spoil him, because it makes HER feel good. All positive reinforcement, and all I had to do in the beginning was remind difficult child 3 to open the car door for grandma.</p><p></p><p>Failure to do homework - the school handles those consequences, I don't interfere. Although I do try to point out that failure to do homework will cause the teachers to be disappointed. I also offer to support if it's wanted. They have to ask me, though - I won't walk up and interfere without making sure it's wanted. And if they get snarly at my offer to help, I walk away, saying, "You know where you can find me. I'm getting on with my other tasks. I'm prepared to leave them if you need me, but if you make it clear you don't want me, I'll walk away again."</p><p>I don't get angry, I just walk away. Sometimes they'll ask for help but be cranky & frustrated. I don't get cranky back, I know where it's coming from, but until they can get some self-control back my help is going nowhere.</p><p></p><p>I would discuss your expectations and plans with professionals, though, to make sure you're on their page too.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 9528, member: 1991"] We've found that natural consequences do work the best. if it turns out that they manage to escape the natural consequences by good luck or good fortune, not good management, we role play a little bit. Example: she didn't wear mittens and would have got cold hands except grandma had a spare pair of mittens which she lent her. We say, what a good thing it is that grandma planned ahead, to prevent the granddaughter having cold hands. Thank you, grandma! Maybe granddaughter can remember next time and maybe bring a spare pair in case someone else forgets. But certainly, granddaughter owed grandma a favour. What is something nice that granddaughter can do for grandma to say thank you? Make her a pot of coffee when you get home? Make some hot chocolate for her? It's not punishment in any way, it's something positive because making hot chocolate for grandma means granddaughter has some too. But it's still a reminder of WHY she's doing a favour for grandma - it all helps the lesson sink in. There are also natural consequences for doing GOOD things. difficult child 3 opens the car door for grandma - she says, "Thank you," and tells him what a gentleman he is becoming. He feels happy about his actions and it boosts his self-esteem. He then continues to help grandma because it makes him feel good. So grandma continues to spoil him, because it makes HER feel good. All positive reinforcement, and all I had to do in the beginning was remind difficult child 3 to open the car door for grandma. Failure to do homework - the school handles those consequences, I don't interfere. Although I do try to point out that failure to do homework will cause the teachers to be disappointed. I also offer to support if it's wanted. They have to ask me, though - I won't walk up and interfere without making sure it's wanted. And if they get snarly at my offer to help, I walk away, saying, "You know where you can find me. I'm getting on with my other tasks. I'm prepared to leave them if you need me, but if you make it clear you don't want me, I'll walk away again." I don't get angry, I just walk away. Sometimes they'll ask for help but be cranky & frustrated. I don't get cranky back, I know where it's coming from, but until they can get some self-control back my help is going nowhere. I would discuss your expectations and plans with professionals, though, to make sure you're on their page too. Marg [/QUOTE]
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