On the transition home...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by timer lady, Jan 15, 2007.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    husband & I have been working on a set of expectations (note, I don't say rules - that word brings out the worst in the tweedles)& consequences for kt to present to the treatment team tomorrow morning.

    kt was home over the weekend & I saw some maturity in the young lady. Sunday morning she got up, amused herself, made me a pot of coffee then went on to making her own (very creative) breakfast. I was proud but made sure not to make a "big" deal out of her good choices & actions. I just thanked her & told her I appreciated her choices. Left it at that - she smiled & said you're welcome mom.

    Yet cleaning her room still required an adult at her side working with her. No biggie - if I didn't have an adult checking on me at that age I'd shove everything under the bed.

    I'm leaning toward using common sense, as it applies to kt, versus anything set in stone. There will be natural consequences (you choose not to wear mittens you have cold hands), logical consequences (no homework, lose free time at school), and then consequences for unsafe choices.

    As kt vacillates between 4 & 16 years of age emotionally, I see the need to be flexible. My expectations will be for 12 year old choices & behaviors while knowing where she is emotionally. Note that I will be pushing for more age appropriate choices & behaviors.

    In the meantime, I told kt that when she comes home the better choices she made, the more responsible she becomes, the more privileges she will have.

    Does any of this make sense? Would you go to a team of professionals with this? :warrior:
     
  2. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    I think it makes perfect sense.
     
  3. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    [ QUOTE ]
    Does any of this make sense? Would you go to a team of professionals with this?

    [/ QUOTE ]

    Yes.....and yes!

    Suz
     
  4. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    the better choices she made, the more responsible she becomes, the more privileges she will have.


    isnt that the way life is for all of us?? sounds like good common sense~!
     
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    That sounds like a very natural and logical set of expectations for any child...umm...young teen.
     
  6. kris

    kris New Member

    <font color="purple">for what it's worth, linda, this is just how i would try handling things. it's how i parented my kids when they were this age. dare i say it? normal parenting???

    it does sound like kt has made some good progress from her stay at Residential Treatment Center (RTC). i'd love to know what was in that *creative breakfast* lol.

    yes, it's a viable plan....and i think it's a good one.

    kris </font>
     
  7. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    It sure does make sence. -RM
     
  8. Janna

    Janna New Member

    It's a nice plan, Linda. Maybe you could call me some time and help me make one for difficult child 2? LOL! I wish I had as much sense as you do.

    Janna
     
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I think it's an excellent plan, one that would be good for just about any child. I'd most certainly present it to them. :bravo:

    Nice to hear kt bug doing ordinary things and making good choices. Brings a smile to my lips. :biggrin:

    :smile:
     
  10. helpmehelphim

    helpmehelphim New Member

    You always make sense to me Linda... I send all my support and best wishes on kt coming home!
     
  11. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    We've found that natural consequences do work the best. if it turns out that they manage to escape the natural consequences by good luck or good fortune, not good management, we role play a little bit. Example: she didn't wear mittens and would have got cold hands except grandma had a spare pair of mittens which she lent her. We say, what a good thing it is that grandma planned ahead, to prevent the granddaughter having cold hands. Thank you, grandma! Maybe granddaughter can remember next time and maybe bring a spare pair in case someone else forgets. But certainly, granddaughter owed grandma a favour. What is something nice that granddaughter can do for grandma to say thank you? Make her a pot of coffee when you get home? Make some hot chocolate for her?
    It's not punishment in any way, it's something positive because making hot chocolate for grandma means granddaughter has some too. But it's still a reminder of WHY she's doing a favour for grandma - it all helps the lesson sink in.

    There are also natural consequences for doing GOOD things. difficult child 3 opens the car door for grandma - she says, "Thank you," and tells him what a gentleman he is becoming. He feels happy about his actions and it boosts his self-esteem. He then continues to help grandma because it makes him feel good. So grandma continues to spoil him, because it makes HER feel good. All positive reinforcement, and all I had to do in the beginning was remind difficult child 3 to open the car door for grandma.

    Failure to do homework - the school handles those consequences, I don't interfere. Although I do try to point out that failure to do homework will cause the teachers to be disappointed. I also offer to support if it's wanted. They have to ask me, though - I won't walk up and interfere without making sure it's wanted. And if they get snarly at my offer to help, I walk away, saying, "You know where you can find me. I'm getting on with my other tasks. I'm prepared to leave them if you need me, but if you make it clear you don't want me, I'll walk away again."
    I don't get angry, I just walk away. Sometimes they'll ask for help but be cranky & frustrated. I don't get cranky back, I know where it's coming from, but until they can get some self-control back my help is going nowhere.

    I would discuss your expectations and plans with professionals, though, to make sure you're on their page too.

    Marg
     
  12. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    Linda,

    EXCELLENT PLAN!!! You definitely have your priorities straight. I like the fact that learning takes place from natural and logical consequences without you having to do a thing. It allows kt to learn on her own. The only time you need to intervene is for unsafe choices. This plan should definitely decrease confrontation and allow kt as much freedom as possible to be responsible for herself.

    As others have already said, and I totally agree, this is a great plan for "typical" kids too!!!

    You are a wonderful person and a very loving and wise parent. WFEN
     
  13. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Thanks for the support & comments. With all the interventions that kt has in place, I plan on parenting this time around.

    I know that there will be testing on kt's part. There will be meltdowns & such.

    She may yet again need the level of support that Residential Treatment Center (RTC) provides. We won't know until we try.

    Thanks again for the cyber shoulder, friends. :princess:
     
  14. On_Call

    On_Call New Member

    I think your plan sounds very realistic and very workable, Linda. Great levelheaded plan!!

    And, expecting bumps along the way is also wise.

    I hope you can feel how we are all hopeful and crossing fingers and everything else for you, husband and kt!!
     
  15. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    It makes perfect sense to me.
     
  16. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Another who really likes the plan! :smile:
     
  17. PiperThree

    PiperThree New Member

    add me to the list too - I think your plans are great! Good luck and hugs to you and kt :smile:

    Piper
     
  18. amy4129

    amy4129 New Member

    Hoping KT does really well with her expecations(love that word)
    Amy
     
  19. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    It makes good sense to me.

    I hope all goes well.
     
  20. Lori4ever

    Lori4ever New Member

    Sounds great to me! I'm so glad to hear she's making such progress!
     
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