On top of everything else

[Liahona]

X has reared his ugly head. He wants me to send him every e-mail between the teacher and I. And is threatening to take me to court if I don't. I've already given him the teachers e-mail and sent him the parent teacher conference info. I am not keeping him from info. I am not going to censor everything I say to the teacher because x will get it. If I do what he wants he will go over the e-mails looking for something to hurt me with in court.

I might be looking at going to court any way I handle this. (He takes me to court at least every few years. And with every child born to me.)

 

[Shari]

Don't ya love them??? Sheesh.

 

[keista]

UHG!

I'm thinking that there is no legal requirement for you to furnish those emails. He could also demand to see all your emails to Aunt Ruthie, but that doesn't mean he can get them. He can request this information directly from the school/teacher as long as there is no order in place that says otherwise. They *might* not give it to him due to HIPPA laws, but then again might because he is the parent, but might not because those laws protect you as well, so they might instead offer him summaries of how difficult child is doing. It's a **** shoot. Do you think he'd go through that extra work? And if he finds reasons to take you to court anyway, then just wait for court.

He might be jealous that you have more kids and this just fuels his insanity.

 

[Andy]

"Dear X, I am glad you are taking an interest in your child's academic growth. As a parent, you do have the right for the school to share information they have on your child with you. The best way for you to learn about how your child is doing in school is to give the school your address to send copies of updates, report cards, ect. to you. It is best that you get that information directly from the school as I am not in the position to be the go-between person. You will receive the information in a more timely manner and you will be able to contact the school directly with your concerns about how your child is doing. I am not going to take the time to send you the e-mails that have been sent back and forth up to this time or in the future. The details are of no consequences to you. You must ask your questions to the school direct for a clear picture of your child's status in school."

And then you have a conversation with the school about why X is looking for info and asking that they be extra careful in what/how they provide him the information.

 

[Liahona]

Oh, I've already contacted the teacher and asked her to not send the e-mails to him or to cc the e-mails she sends to me. No, he is going to have to contact her and ask for information. It is going to be a dialogue between him and her without me in the middle. I've also told her to be careful what she says because he has twisted personal's words around and then taken me to court trying to get custody.

And he would go through the extra work. He has been semi-staking (sp?) me for months now. Its not all the time. Its right before I drop difficult child 1 off for visitation. He started as soon as he found out I was pregnant with easy child 3. He comes about 30 min early, sits outside the 3rd party drop-off (but far enough away they can't do anything about it) and watches me. What he is supposed to do is come 10 min after I leave to pick up difficult child 1.

Thanks for letting me vent and thanks for the letter Andy. You are very good at writing these letters.

 

[InsaneCdn]

He comes about 30 min early, sits outside the 3rd party drop-off (but far enough away they can't do anything about it) and watches me. What he is supposed to do is come 10 min after I leave to pick up difficult child 1.

Because the place where you drop off difficult child knows about the situation but can't do anything about it... can you change your drop-off time to 45 minutes sooner... and leave the pick-up time the same? 3rd-party drop then has difficult child for an hour rather than 10 mins, but... just wondering.

 

[Andy]

You know what his intent is. The solution is to pretend otherwise - pretend that you are excited that he is actually taking an interest in his child's schooling. Keep his focus on the CURRENT status of his child's grades, etc. Let him know that the school is more than willing to do a separate parent/teacher conference with him (I would warn the teacher ahead of time to have another staff in ear shot to call in if he starts getting out of line). Tell him that your questions to the school are of a Mother's interest and would not help him in knowing/understanding what is going on - father's see things differently!

Everytime he tries to bring YOU into the subject, redirect him to his child's interests/needs. Turn a deaf ear to the inappropriate requests and shine light on what a good father would be asking for and how.

 

[hearts and roses]

I agree, just keep turning it back over to him. If he's really that interested in difficult child's education, he will contact the school directly. Be cautious, but try not to let him pull you in.

In regards to the pickup situation, changing the times may help temporarily, however, he will get wise and soon turn up earlier as well. Even though he's outside that particular area, can't you bring it to someone's attention that he's trying to intimidate you from afar? on the other hand, at least you have the third party as a witness.

Big hugs, I'm so sorry X is behaving this way.

 

[Liahona]

Thanks for your responses. I have sent him an e-mail encouraging him to contact the teacher (I did ask her permission first and warn her.)

I agree that changing the time won't help. I do plan on doing what you proposed Andy:

"Everytime he tries to bring YOU into the subject, redirect him to his child's interests/needs. Turn a deaf ear to the inappropriate requests and shine light on what a good father would be asking for and how."

This isn't really about difficult child 1. When I do this he gets very mad. Then he escalates things and we end up in court. Mostly he takes me to court and gets blown out of the water. This doesn't stop him from doing it again though. And court even if you think you will win is very stressful.

 

[susiestar]

I am sorry this is so hard. I hope you can just go and live a happy life and try to ignore him. Be careful, but don't let him take the joy out of your life!

Be aware of the stalking laws and when he eventually breaks them, have a camera with you that has date/time stamp and take pics. Make a camera part of your arm, and use it often so he forgets it. then get pics to prove he is stalking you or breaking other laws. But don't let any of what he does take the joy out of your life.

the best revenge truly is living a life you enjoy. It will eat him up from the inside out.

 

[keista]

"Everytime he tries to bring YOU into the subject, redirect him to his child's interests/needs. Turn a deaf ear to the inappropriate requests and shine light on what a good father would be asking for and how."

This isn't really about difficult child 1. When I do this he gets very mad. Then he escalates things and we end up in court. Mostly he takes me to court and gets blown out of the water. This doesn't stop him from doing it again though. And court even if you think you will win is very stressful.

Liahona, I think that was the point of Andy's advice. And I get that it's stressful, but have you ever been able to "manage" him and keep him from taking you to court? We know it's not about difficult child 1. It's all about him trying to exercise control over you, and that's exactly why he gets angrier when you don't allow it and keep redirecting him. He's getting angrier because his tactics are not working. The plus side is that most ppl (and it seems your X as well) get even more irrational the angrier they get.

Judges do get frustrated when ppl repeatedly file stupid motions, petitions, etc. Maybe next time the court will sanction him in some way. Maybe next time it will give you an opening to say that you want to limit visitation further due to this kind of harassment, or that you wish to have visitation fully supervised, etc.

 

[Liahona]

Yes. The going to court every few years is managing him. I have a great lawyer that does manage to keep me out of court a lot. If it weren't for him we'd be in court every few months. Things have been escalating with him lately; which is why I think we'll end up in court soon. Just tonight difficult child 1 told me X is going to get him a gun for his 12th birthday. X is constantly hanging something over difficult child 1's head trying to get me to respond to him. This is such a bad idea even difficult child 1 is upset about it. If he actually does it first, he is a bigger idiot than I thought (lets give the kid that hallucinates a weapon) and second I'll have to take him to court. This is 6 months down the road though. So I'm not going to respond to it until he actually does it. He just keeps pushing until I have to respond. Last week it was gifts for my other kids and phone calls not at his appointed time. I'm going to do as Susie says and keep living my life. It does drive him nuts. At the same time though being detached from him takes effort on my part. I get so PTSDish it is hard for me to function. I just have to let myself have my day of PTSD and then pick myself up and keep going.

You guys are great at letting me vent here. Thank-you.

 

[DammitJanet]

you are giving me nightmares. I so hope this isnt our future.