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<blockquote data-quote="klmno" data-source="post: 330447" data-attributes="member: 3699"><p>Well, here's how I'm looking at it, which is based on the therapy that I had and may or may not apply to anyone else but it worked for me. There are two aspects- one is the dysfunctional family and that involves emotional boundaries, interactions, etc. That is what I want to discuss with difficult child at this point- not really discuss in depth but just give him a brief description and let him know that these are issues in our family and that is why I do things like monitor the communication from his grandmother. Also, I've been trying to ffind a support group in this area that might be meeting this weekend but it looks like I might have to wait until next week- they are not as advertised as AA.</p><p></p><p>The second aspect is how bad things like sexual abuse, addictions, etc., can rear their heads in dysfucntional families. I don't think I need to discuss any personal history in this area with difficult child at this point. I've said that about three times on this thread now. LOL!</p><p></p><p>Anyway, it does make a difference that my bro is still alive and will never quit trying to communiucate with difficult child and I would worry if difficult child had children and did not know to keep a very watchful eye. And as I have been reading again about dysfunctional families and toxic people lately, I can see where a lot of stuff was taught to him despite my efforts so at some point later on we can discuss that more. My personal incidences that pertained to people who are now dead or completely out of the picture- I don't think it's necessary to ever tell difficult child. The point here is that my family is still very dysfunctional- my mother is worse in her dysfunctional methods and toxicity all the time. I don't expect difficult child to get that after one brief discussion but he does need to start getting a clue, for several reasons. One, he gets manipulated by my mother and doesn't even realize it, two, she's trying to teach him that I am "the sick one" in the family instead of the whole family having problems and me being the only one who's ever addressed their own, and three, by the time difficult child is grown and has his own family, I want him to be knowledgable enoough to understand why he needs to not "recycle" all this.</p><p></p><p>And please keep in mind- I am saying this is going to take a long time and I'm not dumping all that on his shoulders right now. All I want to do right now is describe aspects of a dysfunctional family without getting into all the horrid things it can result in.</p><p></p><p>It is very similar in concept to what you went thru Janet, except the toxicity is still around us and the GAL and others are making it worse instead of better. If you read about Triangulation in family dynamics, that is the definition of my mother. She did that when my bro and I were young so now my bro does it. But now my mother is even worse and poor difficult child doesn't know what is up or down. Plus, he is old enough to realize there are issues but seems upset because he has no clue what they are- like he's completely left in the dark. Like it's all being kept secret from him. So I can see the point therapist was trying to make in that regard- it probably would help him just to have a jest of what the issues are. Again though, I don't think I'm ready to cover PTSD and so forth with him. Just that our family is sick and I want it to be healthy.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="klmno, post: 330447, member: 3699"] Well, here's how I'm looking at it, which is based on the therapy that I had and may or may not apply to anyone else but it worked for me. There are two aspects- one is the dysfunctional family and that involves emotional boundaries, interactions, etc. That is what I want to discuss with difficult child at this point- not really discuss in depth but just give him a brief description and let him know that these are issues in our family and that is why I do things like monitor the communication from his grandmother. Also, I've been trying to ffind a support group in this area that might be meeting this weekend but it looks like I might have to wait until next week- they are not as advertised as AA. The second aspect is how bad things like sexual abuse, addictions, etc., can rear their heads in dysfucntional families. I don't think I need to discuss any personal history in this area with difficult child at this point. I've said that about three times on this thread now. LOL! Anyway, it does make a difference that my bro is still alive and will never quit trying to communiucate with difficult child and I would worry if difficult child had children and did not know to keep a very watchful eye. And as I have been reading again about dysfunctional families and toxic people lately, I can see where a lot of stuff was taught to him despite my efforts so at some point later on we can discuss that more. My personal incidences that pertained to people who are now dead or completely out of the picture- I don't think it's necessary to ever tell difficult child. The point here is that my family is still very dysfunctional- my mother is worse in her dysfunctional methods and toxicity all the time. I don't expect difficult child to get that after one brief discussion but he does need to start getting a clue, for several reasons. One, he gets manipulated by my mother and doesn't even realize it, two, she's trying to teach him that I am "the sick one" in the family instead of the whole family having problems and me being the only one who's ever addressed their own, and three, by the time difficult child is grown and has his own family, I want him to be knowledgable enoough to understand why he needs to not "recycle" all this. And please keep in mind- I am saying this is going to take a long time and I'm not dumping all that on his shoulders right now. All I want to do right now is describe aspects of a dysfunctional family without getting into all the horrid things it can result in. It is very similar in concept to what you went thru Janet, except the toxicity is still around us and the GAL and others are making it worse instead of better. If you read about Triangulation in family dynamics, that is the definition of my mother. She did that when my bro and I were young so now my bro does it. But now my mother is even worse and poor difficult child doesn't know what is up or down. Plus, he is old enough to realize there are issues but seems upset because he has no clue what they are- like he's completely left in the dark. Like it's all being kept secret from him. So I can see the point therapist was trying to make in that regard- it probably would help him just to have a jest of what the issues are. Again though, I don't think I'm ready to cover PTSD and so forth with him. Just that our family is sick and I want it to be healthy. [/QUOTE]
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