Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Our visit today (long)
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Malika" data-source="post: 432052" data-attributes="member: 11227"><p>Hello wintak. When I read that your son does not like to be held or hugged, alarm bells went off for me. This really does sound like a problem of attachment. In the book I quoted from some time ago, "The Primal Wound", the author gives contact details for questions. Why don't you try getting in touch with her - she may, possibly, be able to provide some avenue of help and she is a REAL expert in the field.</p><p>Nancy Verrier</p><p>POB 208</p><p>Lafayette, CA 94549</p><p><a href="mailto:nverrier@sterlink.net">nverrier@sterlink.net</a></p><p>The book was published some years ago so these details may be out of date - I don't know whether a google search on Nancy Newton Verrier might yield results.</p><p>It all sounds like such a textbook case of insufficient bonding onto you as a family unit. There might be all sorts of reasons for that. I would consider it significant to know whether you thought you couldn't have biological children and then they arrived - no need to answer that here.</p><p>As for how I reclaimed my lost love for J, as it were, in his case it was made easy by the fact that his nature is (while demanding, obstinate, bossy, occasionally bullying and all the other difficult child traits) very affectionate and loving. He loves and needs to give and receive hugs and cuddles and is very quick to say "I love you, Mummy". He has a lot of positive qualities. Along with all the challenging ones. I feel that the negative rut we had got into was really largely my responsibility - I was just responding to him as I felt like it, getting annoyed and cross at his "misbehaviour" all the time as if he was being wilfully naughty, as you would with an ordinary child, and of course that just doesn't work with our children. Things were so bad... I felt like I didn't like him, didn't really want him with me although that sounds so awful - there was no joy in our lives, just him provoking me and me getting crosser and crosser, which provoked him more and round and round. I just got to a point where I couldn't live like that any more. Sounds like you are nearly there. In the reading I was doing I came across the concept that ODD-type behaviour is a result of the RELATIONSHIP between the child and the parent or parents. I decided to give it a try, see if there was truth in it. Desperate and hopeful. And there is a truth in it. Feeling more loved and secure, seeing me model calm and affectionate behaviour towards him, J stopped having his rages, stopped constantly provoking me. Seeing him respond, I became more confident and so on, in a postive cycle. Don't get me wrong - he is still difficult. But I don't take it so personally any more and I REALLY concentrate on his good side. He is my child, for good or bad.</p><p>Of course I can't know if this will work with your boy. It sounds like there are very fundamental issues at play. To be honest, he sounds to me like a courageous child, a truthful child (however outwardly maddening, I do understand) because he knows something is not right. It is as if he knows he is not in the "right" place, with the right people, his people... a great sadness and isolation, yes. Also a kind of wounded pride? All this means not that he cannot and does not belong with you but that there is some deep grieving that he has to do... I really do hope that you can get some help with this from adoption/attachment specialists.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Malika, post: 432052, member: 11227"] Hello wintak. When I read that your son does not like to be held or hugged, alarm bells went off for me. This really does sound like a problem of attachment. In the book I quoted from some time ago, "The Primal Wound", the author gives contact details for questions. Why don't you try getting in touch with her - she may, possibly, be able to provide some avenue of help and she is a REAL expert in the field. Nancy Verrier POB 208 Lafayette, CA 94549 [email]nverrier@sterlink.net[/email] The book was published some years ago so these details may be out of date - I don't know whether a google search on Nancy Newton Verrier might yield results. It all sounds like such a textbook case of insufficient bonding onto you as a family unit. There might be all sorts of reasons for that. I would consider it significant to know whether you thought you couldn't have biological children and then they arrived - no need to answer that here. As for how I reclaimed my lost love for J, as it were, in his case it was made easy by the fact that his nature is (while demanding, obstinate, bossy, occasionally bullying and all the other difficult child traits) very affectionate and loving. He loves and needs to give and receive hugs and cuddles and is very quick to say "I love you, Mummy". He has a lot of positive qualities. Along with all the challenging ones. I feel that the negative rut we had got into was really largely my responsibility - I was just responding to him as I felt like it, getting annoyed and cross at his "misbehaviour" all the time as if he was being wilfully naughty, as you would with an ordinary child, and of course that just doesn't work with our children. Things were so bad... I felt like I didn't like him, didn't really want him with me although that sounds so awful - there was no joy in our lives, just him provoking me and me getting crosser and crosser, which provoked him more and round and round. I just got to a point where I couldn't live like that any more. Sounds like you are nearly there. In the reading I was doing I came across the concept that ODD-type behaviour is a result of the RELATIONSHIP between the child and the parent or parents. I decided to give it a try, see if there was truth in it. Desperate and hopeful. And there is a truth in it. Feeling more loved and secure, seeing me model calm and affectionate behaviour towards him, J stopped having his rages, stopped constantly provoking me. Seeing him respond, I became more confident and so on, in a postive cycle. Don't get me wrong - he is still difficult. But I don't take it so personally any more and I REALLY concentrate on his good side. He is my child, for good or bad. Of course I can't know if this will work with your boy. It sounds like there are very fundamental issues at play. To be honest, he sounds to me like a courageous child, a truthful child (however outwardly maddening, I do understand) because he knows something is not right. It is as if he knows he is not in the "right" place, with the right people, his people... a great sadness and isolation, yes. Also a kind of wounded pride? All this means not that he cannot and does not belong with you but that there is some deep grieving that he has to do... I really do hope that you can get some help with this from adoption/attachment specialists. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Our visit today (long)
Top