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<blockquote data-quote="Malika" data-source="post: 432271" data-attributes="member: 11227"><p>Sure, Susiestar. Of course I don't know and of course I am just reacting from what I sense and intuit. And from my own experience. In all fairness, though, I am not the only one doing that here - lots of other posters are too. I have all sorts of things said to me on the forum that don't really fit with my reality on the ground (and lots of things that do, of course) - that's fine, it's just how it goes. I do believe that there is an extra dimension involved with adopted children and lots of people with expertise in the area agree with that. And I don't feel the length of time I have been posting here is really relevant. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p>I do feel there is some confusion at play here. You say that parenting techniques make little or no difference to the behaviour of a difficult child. But isn't the whole approach of "The Explosive Child" and so on precisely to ADAPT to the reality of the challenging child to enable them to try to learn other ways of behaving and communicating than the difficult and destructive ways? Are you really saying that this is not possible at all? </p><p>I have friends and family, as I have posted, who seem to believe that J is the way he is - often difficult and demanding - because I am not strict enough with him. I know that this is not why he is like he is. So I totally "get" what you say in that regard. But I CAN make a difference to his behaviour by how I respond to him, by the strategies I have in place, and that must be true to some extent for all children, no? I take the point that I don't appreciate just how tough and different it is with older difficult children. I am hoping I won't find out at first hand, but I may very well do. I think it was valid for me to point out - which I did with some difficulty and hestitation, as I stated - what I felt was a sense coming from wintak's post that she was rejecting her boy; I went on to share how I was rejecting my boy and my experience of that. My intention was to say something that was helpful to the situation - yet I can see how it may seem insensitive or arrogant for me to have said what I said. I spoke out because sometimes it is the helpful, if difficult, thing to do in situations to speak out according to one's integrity. If what I said was in any way hurtful or unhelpful - please accept my apology, wintak, and let it go...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Malika, post: 432271, member: 11227"] Sure, Susiestar. Of course I don't know and of course I am just reacting from what I sense and intuit. And from my own experience. In all fairness, though, I am not the only one doing that here - lots of other posters are too. I have all sorts of things said to me on the forum that don't really fit with my reality on the ground (and lots of things that do, of course) - that's fine, it's just how it goes. I do believe that there is an extra dimension involved with adopted children and lots of people with expertise in the area agree with that. And I don't feel the length of time I have been posting here is really relevant. :-) I do feel there is some confusion at play here. You say that parenting techniques make little or no difference to the behaviour of a difficult child. But isn't the whole approach of "The Explosive Child" and so on precisely to ADAPT to the reality of the challenging child to enable them to try to learn other ways of behaving and communicating than the difficult and destructive ways? Are you really saying that this is not possible at all? I have friends and family, as I have posted, who seem to believe that J is the way he is - often difficult and demanding - because I am not strict enough with him. I know that this is not why he is like he is. So I totally "get" what you say in that regard. But I CAN make a difference to his behaviour by how I respond to him, by the strategies I have in place, and that must be true to some extent for all children, no? I take the point that I don't appreciate just how tough and different it is with older difficult children. I am hoping I won't find out at first hand, but I may very well do. I think it was valid for me to point out - which I did with some difficulty and hestitation, as I stated - what I felt was a sense coming from wintak's post that she was rejecting her boy; I went on to share how I was rejecting my boy and my experience of that. My intention was to say something that was helpful to the situation - yet I can see how it may seem insensitive or arrogant for me to have said what I said. I spoke out because sometimes it is the helpful, if difficult, thing to do in situations to speak out according to one's integrity. If what I said was in any way hurtful or unhelpful - please accept my apology, wintak, and let it go... [/QUOTE]
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