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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 432327" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Well, win, I have to retract some of what I said based on his violence toward siblings. Their safety has to come first and that's where the idea of a group home comes in. I know first hand that not all adopted kids can be saved (nor all biological kids with serious mental disorders). Your son may have been exposed to drugs or alcohol in utero, which causes organic brain damage. This can't be fixed and your other children need a safe home. Yes, you can parent from afar...talk to Timer Lady. She has done this with her two adopted twins for years. Some children CAN NOT live at home. Worse they SHOULD NOT live at home. I also don't think that your attitude has much to do with his behavior. It sounds like he is compromised in being able to process accurate feelings anyway.</p><p></p><p>Do what you have to do to save the rest of your family. I am in an adoptive parent group. Unfortunately, many children were damaged irreparably before we even had a chance to show them love. And many of them don't want anything to do with love. I have no idea if eight year old is a risk to his younger siblings, but, as most people know, I had adopted an eleven year old who sexually abused my two younger children over and over again (and dthe younger ones were too afraid of him to tell us...he said he'd kill us all). Use your imagination, but sexually abused does NOT mean he just molested them. So I am very protective of younger children who are living with an older sibling who is aggressive. </p><p></p><p>We are on your side and here to listen to you regardless of what you feel. Trust me, as soon as hub and I found out what adoptive child had done, any feelings we had had for him went out the window and we just wanted him gone. We never wanted to see him again and certainly my younger children would have had much worse issues if we had continued to support him. And he really didn't mourn the loss of us. He simply didn't care, other than not liking being locked up in a facility for young sexual predators. Had nothing to do with us. </p><p></p><p>I also agree that a semi-difficult four year old is NOTHING like the difficulties of an eight year old who is big and strong and worse AND HAS YOUNG SIBLINGS. Life does not work where you can modify his environment so that he is never upset and as the child gets older, people don't think he's so "cute" anymore, and there is more and more intolerance in society's part. That is why I'm in favor of early interventions...much easier to try to get a professional to help with it now t han when they are 8 or 13. Even then, it often does not work in the long run...it is rose-colored glasses.</p><p></p><p>Use your Mom gut. (((Hugs)))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 432327, member: 1550"] Well, win, I have to retract some of what I said based on his violence toward siblings. Their safety has to come first and that's where the idea of a group home comes in. I know first hand that not all adopted kids can be saved (nor all biological kids with serious mental disorders). Your son may have been exposed to drugs or alcohol in utero, which causes organic brain damage. This can't be fixed and your other children need a safe home. Yes, you can parent from afar...talk to Timer Lady. She has done this with her two adopted twins for years. Some children CAN NOT live at home. Worse they SHOULD NOT live at home. I also don't think that your attitude has much to do with his behavior. It sounds like he is compromised in being able to process accurate feelings anyway. Do what you have to do to save the rest of your family. I am in an adoptive parent group. Unfortunately, many children were damaged irreparably before we even had a chance to show them love. And many of them don't want anything to do with love. I have no idea if eight year old is a risk to his younger siblings, but, as most people know, I had adopted an eleven year old who sexually abused my two younger children over and over again (and dthe younger ones were too afraid of him to tell us...he said he'd kill us all). Use your imagination, but sexually abused does NOT mean he just molested them. So I am very protective of younger children who are living with an older sibling who is aggressive. We are on your side and here to listen to you regardless of what you feel. Trust me, as soon as hub and I found out what adoptive child had done, any feelings we had had for him went out the window and we just wanted him gone. We never wanted to see him again and certainly my younger children would have had much worse issues if we had continued to support him. And he really didn't mourn the loss of us. He simply didn't care, other than not liking being locked up in a facility for young sexual predators. Had nothing to do with us. I also agree that a semi-difficult four year old is NOTHING like the difficulties of an eight year old who is big and strong and worse AND HAS YOUNG SIBLINGS. Life does not work where you can modify his environment so that he is never upset and as the child gets older, people don't think he's so "cute" anymore, and there is more and more intolerance in society's part. That is why I'm in favor of early interventions...much easier to try to get a professional to help with it now t han when they are 8 or 13. Even then, it often does not work in the long run...it is rose-colored glasses. Use your Mom gut. (((Hugs))) [/QUOTE]
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