Over react?

[flutterbee]

Let me preface this with saying that sometimes I am just so tired of having to weigh my words so excruciatingly carefully (grammar ppl can get me later) and if I have the least little inflection in my tone - cause maybe I'm tired, not feeling good, whatever - I am accused by difficult child of being mad.

easy child bought me a CD today with his gift card that he got for xmas. I ripped it onto my computer and I'm listening to it. And it's loud. I *might* do this a few times a year.

I feel l like carp and that's putting it mildly. I realized at the last minute that I can't take the toradol because it's a really strong anti-inflammatory and I have medical tests next week. So, nothing for pain.

Anyway, difficult child just walked into the kitchen where the computer is, reached above me and turned down the volume. She didn't ask. She isn't trying to sleep. She said she can hear it in her room and she's trying to read.

I went off. That she has the nerve to think that she can just walk in here and run the house and tell ME what to do. It pushed me over the edge which I'm already close to anyway.

Then she's standing there arguing with me about how I'm always mad at her (see above), blah, blah, blah. Asking me repeatedly what she did - which I answered repeatedly. Loudly, by the end. Told her I wasn't going to argue and to go to her room. Of course, she never does. She just stands there and keeps arguing. So, I went outside and she started crying and went to her room and slammed the door.

I know this is a relatively little thing. But, damn it, I do so little for myself. It really, really, really ticks me off how whenever I do something for me, there is a price to pay.

 

[klmno]

Heather, I don't know if it's an age issue or just difficult child issue, but I get something from my son all the time. His is that he accuses me of yelling at him when all I've done is talk in a barely stern voice- not yelling. Yet, he can scream it in my face that I have been yelling at him. It drives me nuts. Try to just ignore it. I wish I had a better answer but I don't. I understand the frustration, though.

 

[DaisyFace]

Hmmm...

I'm wondering if the age has a lot to do with it. I am noticing a lot of similarities among those of us posting about our 12 to 14 yr old difficult children.

As far as having music/television/lights turned off because they are "bothering her"--happens all the time. No request. No Could you please...? or Would you mind...? Just feels free to change whatever she wants and God forbid you question what she is doing. How dare parents be doing something that makes a noise?

So no advice from me tonight--but plenty of sympathy.

Best--

DaisyF

 

[Marguerite]

Heather, what if you explained it to her as a violation of personal space? Would she understand this? You should be able to get this across at a time when she is calm and hopefully more receptive.

From what you have shared with us about her before, I do wonder if she really does 'get' this. She probably was able to justify what she did as a favour to you, in turning it down, because obviously (in her mind) you needed the volume lower, if SHE could hear it in her room!

But if you explain personal space in general, give her the example of the person who almost stands on your toes when you're talking so you instinctively step back, so they step forward, so you step back... and so on; then describe anials and how personal space violation often leads to animals fighting or dispaying aggressivley; then maybe she might get the analogy.

What wold be an example involving her own personal space? What if she were sitting at the table eating her dinner, you walked past her and took something off her plate and ate it? Or suppose she were sitting at the table doing a jigsaw puzzle, and you came and sat down, sweeping aside a pile of puzzle pieces so you could rest your book there? You wouldn't have moved part of acompleted puzzle, just loose ppieces, but you know how it is when someone is donig apuzzle, they sort pieces here and there and for someone to do this would be very annopying. How would she react? Because THAT would be an invasion of personal space.

Then ask her, how would she expect you to react, if she did that to you? See if she can swap the characters in her story, and be fair about it. I'm betting she may have difficulty at tis point, because for her, the world revolves around her. she needs to know that if SHE doesn't like it, chances are neither do other people.

She's probably a good kid, she just didn't think. I doubt she did it to infuriate you, but I feel you are definitely justified in being angry about it.

It's so difficult sometimes, trying to get the message across to them. That age is difficult anyway, throw in the difficult child component and it makes it a lot worse.

Marg

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Heather,

Marg offered a good suggestion - making it a personal space issue when both of you are calm is a good one.

I think it's the nature of the difficult child beast that they are so very self centered. As the parent of a difficult child, I find it difficult sometimes to remember not to take personally these types of things. Mine wouldn't be thinking that he is doing something to me but rather do something for himself!

Sharon