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Parent Emeritus
Parents turned on me after I finally kicked out 19yo son
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 615929" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>JakesMom, being there for you helps us too. </p><p></p><p>Many of our kids lack insight. I am not familiar with the LEAP idea. Perhaps you might explain it a little.</p><p></p><p>One thing I have learned which may be helpful is that regardless of what our kids diagnosis is, regardless of how much insight they have or don't have, really, regardless of anything, WE must first take care of ourselves by setting strong boundaries around bad behavior from ANYONE, especially our own kids. As we do that, as we get really good at saying no, not saving them, giving them the reigns, letting go of control.............they either improve or they don't, but <strong>our</strong> lives get healthier. Much of what has to happen is we have to take the focus off of them and put it on ourselves and as we do that, quite a bit of what needs to happen evolves naturally without the panic and fear. </p><p></p><p>In helping him with college, it seems he is a good student and holds a job too...........he is still young, I might continue to pay for his education but begin limiting other help. You have successfully stopped the bad treatment of you which seems to have some positive results. Don't let him be disrespectful of you for any reason.................you can re-train him to treat you better and it appears as if you are doing a good job of that. There have to be consequences to bad behavior, that is REAL LIFE. A good guideline for me about enabling versus loving kindness is loving kindness feels good and enabling feels bad, resentment is present in enabling, anger, disappointment, usually an array of negative feelings. When we give in healthy ways, it feels positive. </p><p></p><p>You're doing well, it's a process of making different choices as we move ahead. You're doing all the appropriate things and you're thinking everything through thoroughly.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 615929, member: 13542"] JakesMom, being there for you helps us too. Many of our kids lack insight. I am not familiar with the LEAP idea. Perhaps you might explain it a little. One thing I have learned which may be helpful is that regardless of what our kids diagnosis is, regardless of how much insight they have or don't have, really, regardless of anything, WE must first take care of ourselves by setting strong boundaries around bad behavior from ANYONE, especially our own kids. As we do that, as we get really good at saying no, not saving them, giving them the reigns, letting go of control.............they either improve or they don't, but [B]our[/B] lives get healthier. Much of what has to happen is we have to take the focus off of them and put it on ourselves and as we do that, quite a bit of what needs to happen evolves naturally without the panic and fear. In helping him with college, it seems he is a good student and holds a job too...........he is still young, I might continue to pay for his education but begin limiting other help. You have successfully stopped the bad treatment of you which seems to have some positive results. Don't let him be disrespectful of you for any reason.................you can re-train him to treat you better and it appears as if you are doing a good job of that. There have to be consequences to bad behavior, that is REAL LIFE. A good guideline for me about enabling versus loving kindness is loving kindness feels good and enabling feels bad, resentment is present in enabling, anger, disappointment, usually an array of negative feelings. When we give in healthy ways, it feels positive. You're doing well, it's a process of making different choices as we move ahead. You're doing all the appropriate things and you're thinking everything through thoroughly. [/QUOTE]
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Parents turned on me after I finally kicked out 19yo son
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