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<blockquote data-quote="klmno" data-source="post: 263789" data-attributes="member: 3699"><p>This is the problem- difficult child could be placed by either Department of Juvenile Justice upon release from incarceration or turned over to DSS. The group homes and so forth that Department of Juvenile Justice has as alternataives are for 16yo's and older- none are for 14yo's, unless they are serious sex offenders or drug abusers (those requiring specialized programs that Department of Juvenile Justice has contracted out for already). DSS HAS to look at family placement first if difficult child is turned over to them. That means my bro. If my bro was not an option, then dss can sent the kid to foster cdare or group home, but they already know that my bro wants difficult child because he had contacted half the town when he filed for custody 2 years ago.</p><p></p><p>This is what makes me so scared to try to talk to them about the truth of it all. Especially after I tried this with the probation officer and her super, then the GAL, because my feeling was that the ONLY way to make this work is to have difficult child be at home but with appropriate supports for him AND ME. Instead, they wanted to make it a "do what I say or else we'll do this with your son and it will be your fault" situation, which is what makes me so anxiety-ridden. Really, if they cared about making sure that the family could provide what was needed for the difficult child instead of just establishing that the family will agree to anything they decide in the future, they would be waiting to see what difficult child needs before making the parent sign a "blanket" agreement. IOW, I think this is the typical establishment of their authority over the entire family instead of looking at what the specific needs are. And in our case, it was the very fact that difficult child knew I did not have authority over him- the people in the legal system did- that contributed greatly to our problems at home.</p><p></p><p>Seeing how this turned into such a disaster before, my feeling is that if they want to dictate every rule and policy and interaction at home, then they need to put difficult child in a place where he is "watched" by people on their payroll and by people that they are willing to trust and listen to (instead of blame) if there is a problem. But as I say, that option isn't there in this case and since it isn't there, instead of them being more motivated to work something out with the parent, they are using it as an ax to hold over my head - like they have me backed in a corner and they don't have to be reasonable with me at all.</p><p></p><p>You know it's the same as they handle all the stuff- when difficult child was released from detention the first time and they said they'd put him on an ankle bracelet- we got to the PO's office and before she put the ankle bracelet on and let us leave I had to sign an "agreement" to pay about $1000 if difficult child damaged the monitor. Well, what are you going to do as a parent? If you don't sign they put your kid back in detention and they know they are forcing you into a position like that. But, in my humble opinion, that's exactly why our system no longer works. Didn't it used to be that if the kid did something wrong, like damage an ankle bracelet, the kid knew up front that he would be paying the price, not the parent? Look at how this was handled- the guy says that I have to sign this before difficult child's staffing meeting. He made the appointment for the afternoon before that meeting is scheduled. So, I'll be sitting there knowing if I don't sign, it scr**s up all plans for difficult child. They use presuure. I don't thrive on pressure. And I've never understood why if it is a legal requirement, why do they require a parent to sign agreeing to it? Does it matter if you agree to it or not? (If I don't, they'll go to difficult child and tell him they can't proceed and it's my fault.) It's an ultimatum- period.</p><p></p><p>As far as me personally, I have been seeing a therapist, however, she has been on vacation. Even though I have an appointment made already for next week, she isn't really what I need in a therapist and I'm going to look for another. It works better for me to deal with stressors by finding solutions rather than taking medications. I'm not having a heart attach or about to commit suicide- so I'll work thru this, as usual. I just found the whole ordeal the few mos before difficult child was arrested traumatic and I'm not over it emotionally yet. I am getting there though. The thought of going back into it again without believing that it will just turn out the same is quite upsetting, still. I think that's a good thing- or at least it is preferable to being in denial by thinking that "things won't be so bad this time" when nothing has really taken place to change things.</p><p></p><p>Star, if I interpreted your post correctly and you meant that I could get a therapist/psychiatrist to vouch for what this is doing to me- that wouldn't matter. No matter what they might say, in the end the people here in Department of Juvenile Justice really don't care what the mental health profs recommend. That has been a problem, too.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="klmno, post: 263789, member: 3699"] This is the problem- difficult child could be placed by either Department of Juvenile Justice upon release from incarceration or turned over to DSS. The group homes and so forth that Department of Juvenile Justice has as alternataives are for 16yo's and older- none are for 14yo's, unless they are serious sex offenders or drug abusers (those requiring specialized programs that Department of Juvenile Justice has contracted out for already). DSS HAS to look at family placement first if difficult child is turned over to them. That means my bro. If my bro was not an option, then dss can sent the kid to foster cdare or group home, but they already know that my bro wants difficult child because he had contacted half the town when he filed for custody 2 years ago. This is what makes me so scared to try to talk to them about the truth of it all. Especially after I tried this with the probation officer and her super, then the GAL, because my feeling was that the ONLY way to make this work is to have difficult child be at home but with appropriate supports for him AND ME. Instead, they wanted to make it a "do what I say or else we'll do this with your son and it will be your fault" situation, which is what makes me so anxiety-ridden. Really, if they cared about making sure that the family could provide what was needed for the difficult child instead of just establishing that the family will agree to anything they decide in the future, they would be waiting to see what difficult child needs before making the parent sign a "blanket" agreement. IOW, I think this is the typical establishment of their authority over the entire family instead of looking at what the specific needs are. And in our case, it was the very fact that difficult child knew I did not have authority over him- the people in the legal system did- that contributed greatly to our problems at home. Seeing how this turned into such a disaster before, my feeling is that if they want to dictate every rule and policy and interaction at home, then they need to put difficult child in a place where he is "watched" by people on their payroll and by people that they are willing to trust and listen to (instead of blame) if there is a problem. But as I say, that option isn't there in this case and since it isn't there, instead of them being more motivated to work something out with the parent, they are using it as an ax to hold over my head - like they have me backed in a corner and they don't have to be reasonable with me at all. You know it's the same as they handle all the stuff- when difficult child was released from detention the first time and they said they'd put him on an ankle bracelet- we got to the PO's office and before she put the ankle bracelet on and let us leave I had to sign an "agreement" to pay about $1000 if difficult child damaged the monitor. Well, what are you going to do as a parent? If you don't sign they put your kid back in detention and they know they are forcing you into a position like that. But, in my humble opinion, that's exactly why our system no longer works. Didn't it used to be that if the kid did something wrong, like damage an ankle bracelet, the kid knew up front that he would be paying the price, not the parent? Look at how this was handled- the guy says that I have to sign this before difficult child's staffing meeting. He made the appointment for the afternoon before that meeting is scheduled. So, I'll be sitting there knowing if I don't sign, it scr**s up all plans for difficult child. They use presuure. I don't thrive on pressure. And I've never understood why if it is a legal requirement, why do they require a parent to sign agreeing to it? Does it matter if you agree to it or not? (If I don't, they'll go to difficult child and tell him they can't proceed and it's my fault.) It's an ultimatum- period. As far as me personally, I have been seeing a therapist, however, she has been on vacation. Even though I have an appointment made already for next week, she isn't really what I need in a therapist and I'm going to look for another. It works better for me to deal with stressors by finding solutions rather than taking medications. I'm not having a heart attach or about to commit suicide- so I'll work thru this, as usual. I just found the whole ordeal the few mos before difficult child was arrested traumatic and I'm not over it emotionally yet. I am getting there though. The thought of going back into it again without believing that it will just turn out the same is quite upsetting, still. I think that's a good thing- or at least it is preferable to being in denial by thinking that "things won't be so bad this time" when nothing has really taken place to change things. Star, if I interpreted your post correctly and you meant that I could get a therapist/psychiatrist to vouch for what this is doing to me- that wouldn't matter. No matter what they might say, in the end the people here in Department of Juvenile Justice really don't care what the mental health profs recommend. That has been a problem, too. [/QUOTE]
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