How?
Therapy and determination to be a better person, not a door mat. A better Mother - not my son's best friend and the sweet person I had always been, but due to loosing or not being able to draw boundaries on my (I will or won't accept that behavior from you) I became sullen, moody, withdrawn, irritated, then mean, easily aggitated. Eventually I lashed out, had a mouth & 1/2 and felt the only way I could communicate with people was to yell and scream.
I had no mellow in my life. I made a conscious effort to improve ME. I got therapy, I stuck with it. I worked the program no matter HOW painful the exercises were to me. I got worse before I got better, because digging up the past and dealing with it later is NOT easy. But out of that I learned how to deal with things NOW and NOT let them fester until I explode (hence aggressive aggressive).
Once I learned about WHY I allowed these things to happen and began to change those behaviors? I felt better. Once I felt a little better and not so depressed I started to do things for me that WERE better for me and people began to notice that became a nice cycle of being ....nice again.
You would think that we all get instructions or an innate ability to deal with problems. You get slighted at work - you forgive it. You get slighted at home the same day? You pick your battles and ignore it. Your kid comes home from school and had a worse day - is acting out - you're already pooped from dealing with work and an comment you perceived as ugly from your spouse? YOU withdraw. Eventually instead of dealing with the days "poop" you find withdrawing is easier. Or so you think. Then withdrawing becomes a habit and stuff just keeps stacking up and stacking up and stacking up until you EXPLODE.......and SCREAM.....and basically make a total idiot out of yourself.....over something trivial and NOW your family is looking at you like you have lost your mind.
And you have. But you didn't necessarily loose it over -the trash not being taken out THAT particular time - it's just build up, build up, build up and BANG, BOOM, Baddabing, Baddaboom......WHAM!!!!!!
Therapy teaches you how to recognize your triggers, and work with your family to put them in touch with things that YOU don't appreciate or like or do like. It's like playing Monopoly for years without rules. Then in comes the new player (therapist) and says "Okay now we're going to have new rules that suit this family and everyone is going to play along and if they do not - here are the consequences and HERE is how you (Mom) are going to handle this."
Therapy is great for clearing the air..with a neutral party person and for just finding a comfortable place to learn how to fight fair. You and your hubby will eventually create your own RULES about what will and won't be tolerated when you do disagree. You'll get tips from the therapist on how to be UNITED against the cunning and manipulative difficult child. Once your kid sees that it's two FOR one and not Mom against Dad and Dad against Mom and OH while they're arguing - I'll just have my way and play 2 more hours of video games and then get guilt presents because they yelled?
Yeah - life is a LOT better.
It was so much better for me that 2 years after I had left my X? I had been in for 4 years, I met DF. I sat down with him when he hinted at a serious relationship and we actually had RULE night - what we would and wouldn't accept in OUR life/love/relationship. The rules were clear from the beginning. We didn't make it up as we went along. We have a peaceful and mellow life most days, and with normal stress from everywhere else? Who needs it with your best friend? Talk about sleeping with the enemy.....eesch.
So yeah - keep the therapy up - go as often as you need to begin with. Make DATE night out of it - don't cook that night.
Hope this helps - I'm here if you have any other ?? that you think I could help with. I can honestly tell you after this that old addage about "If Momma ain't happy - no body is happy?" is SOOOOOo true. When I was miserable and aggressive? NO ONE in my house really was happy. And the first question my therapist asked me when I started seeing him was
Star, what do you like to do for fun? - I had no answer - because I used to like to do lots of things.
The last question he asked me when I stopped seeing him was "Star what do you like to do for fun?" I had a ton of stuff to tell him. I didn't want to kill my .....who was it...oh my x....he was not a thought in my head. I was at peace with myself, I was becoming a great Mom to my son, not his best friend and while life wasn't perfect? It was getting better.
I wish that so much for you - I really do.
Doesn't mean you'll loose your "edge" and be a weak door mat - just means you'll be able to stop stuff before it happens, move on and not have so much worrying to do about trivial stuff. Belive me - when warrior Mom mode is needed? It's still there - lol.
Hugs