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passive aggressive behavior
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 279799" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>THe first and best way to learn to overcome this, is to learn to NOT buy into it. Which means letting go of the guilt. Only ever take on board the guilt that you should own. Never the guilt that doesn't belong. If you have been raised by a passive-aggressive, you need to re-learn as an adult, how to recognise appropriate guilt and inappropriate guilt. The next lesson is how to hand back the guilt that doesn't belong.</p><p></p><p>easy child moved in with mother in law for a couple of years and got a crash course in how to sidestep passive-aggressive guilt. mother in law in turn got a fast lesson in how passive-aggressive can backfire when you try to use it on a confident, strong-willed person.</p><p>(by the way, my example above with the Chinese food was pure hypothetical, it was NOT mother in law).</p><p></p><p>Because sis-in-law grew up with a passive-aggressive mother, she was unfortunately ripe for exploitation by a passive-aggressive husband. And he is the way he is because he learned it from his mother's knee. Sis-in-law in turn has learned to use passive-aggressive as her own coping skill. Thankfully she isn't as over-the-top with is as her husband and his mother. But dealing with sis-in-law plus her husband at the same time - migraine material.</p><p></p><p>I think the reason this thread has hit a note with me is due to their recent visit for easy child's wedding, when I was observing their interactions a lot more than usual (and playing a few quiet little mind games of my own). I think I now have a better understanding of brother in law now - less an ogre, more a nervous, insecure man who uses passive-aggressive techniques when feeling off-balance or threatened. He HAS to be the centre of attention, he HAS to know everything and be considered the fount of all knowledge, and anyone challenging any of this in his mind is deliberately doing it to undermine his authority, and therefore that person becomes an intense focus for hostility, but in a subtle, undermining way.</p><p></p><p>Several ways to cope with this - my favourite is to try to stay below his radar. I'm not so insecure that I need to takeaway his position at the pinnacle. Besides, it's lonely at the top.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 279799, member: 1991"] THe first and best way to learn to overcome this, is to learn to NOT buy into it. Which means letting go of the guilt. Only ever take on board the guilt that you should own. Never the guilt that doesn't belong. If you have been raised by a passive-aggressive, you need to re-learn as an adult, how to recognise appropriate guilt and inappropriate guilt. The next lesson is how to hand back the guilt that doesn't belong. easy child moved in with mother in law for a couple of years and got a crash course in how to sidestep passive-aggressive guilt. mother in law in turn got a fast lesson in how passive-aggressive can backfire when you try to use it on a confident, strong-willed person. (by the way, my example above with the Chinese food was pure hypothetical, it was NOT mother in law). Because sis-in-law grew up with a passive-aggressive mother, she was unfortunately ripe for exploitation by a passive-aggressive husband. And he is the way he is because he learned it from his mother's knee. Sis-in-law in turn has learned to use passive-aggressive as her own coping skill. Thankfully she isn't as over-the-top with is as her husband and his mother. But dealing with sis-in-law plus her husband at the same time - migraine material. I think the reason this thread has hit a note with me is due to their recent visit for easy child's wedding, when I was observing their interactions a lot more than usual (and playing a few quiet little mind games of my own). I think I now have a better understanding of brother in law now - less an ogre, more a nervous, insecure man who uses passive-aggressive techniques when feeling off-balance or threatened. He HAS to be the centre of attention, he HAS to know everything and be considered the fount of all knowledge, and anyone challenging any of this in his mind is deliberately doing it to undermine his authority, and therefore that person becomes an intense focus for hostility, but in a subtle, undermining way. Several ways to cope with this - my favourite is to try to stay below his radar. I'm not so insecure that I need to takeaway his position at the pinnacle. Besides, it's lonely at the top. Marg [/QUOTE]
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