passive aggressive behavior

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by crazymama30, Jun 2, 2009.

  1. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    So I have a hard time really understanding this. Can someone give me some examples? I really think difficult child is doing this big time, but want to be sure before I open my mouth to anyone.
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    What's going on?

    I'm guilty of this... Just minor stuff (well, minor to me). Everyone else in my house is too!
  3. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Here's the Wikipedia definition:


    It's like the kid who drags his feet when asked to do something... or the husband that says he'll do X and then never does. It's an underhanded or covert mode of resisting or defying someone rather than just coming out and saying what you're unhappy about. A lot of people do it, a lot of families do it. My husband is supremely guilty of it -- learned it from his family. I think it sometimes stems from a dysfunctional environment where people do not feel safe expressing themselves... so they find another way of doing it that indirectly relieves the pain or anxiety they are feeling.
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Perfect example of passive aggressive behavior.

    We ask Billy to wash the dishes so he only washes the dishes. Not the pots and pans, not the silverware, not rinse out the sink, nor wipe anything down. Just the plates. He doesnt even wash the bowls.

    He did exactly what we asked and nothing more. Now I really find it hard to believe at 28 years old that he doesnt know what "wash the dishes" means. He has been told since he was young and he has seen what it means when others do it. I dont believe its just his Aspie thing anymore. I think its being passive aggressive now.
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Will you take out the trash?
    (two hours later)
    Will you take out the trash?
    (three hours later)
    WHEN? a minute. I'll get it in a minute.

    Then you wake up in the morning - and the trash is still there and you loose it and say WHY didn't the trash get taken out last night? And your kid rips the trash bag out of the can, tosses open the back door, slams it behind him, stomps out the the big trash can, grumbling, and then comes in and is now mad at YOU.....

    That's how it was explained to us. (over and over and over) lol
  6. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    Wow - Star, that is what my entire house is like? Any drugs for that?
  7. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green


    For us.
  8. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    THis is what made me think of it. He wanted a drink yesterday, and I told him to get it. Begged me to get it for him, I told him no, you can do it. He overfilled the glass. Started yelling and having a fit. I told him to dump some of it out. He poured out the whole cup. Then tried to get more. I said no, he could now go to his room. He told me it was my fault as I did not tell him how much to dump out. I said he was old enough to know that, and he went to his room. It was crazy. He was still yelling at me when he went to his room.

    Really sounds like easy child is more passive aggressive. And husband.
  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I think we are all capable of being passive aggressive at times. I can think of a few times when I was P/A in the past. H is P/A often, very often. easy child is not so much, but once in a while she can be. difficult child's picture is next to the definition of P/A in the dictionary.

    Good luck, it difficult to deal with someone like that all the time.
  10. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Another passive/aggressive tendency: underhanded snipes when paying a compliment.

    "Wow! The kids have had their baths already! Too bad the tatoos didn't come all the way off!"

    "Yeah - that shirt is nice...well, it looks good on YOU!"

    "I can't believe that you got so much done around here - too bad the bills didn't get done."

    I tend to think of passive/aggressive people as those that aren't bright enough to manipulate you!

  11. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    My Mom has Passive Aggressive tendencies...can't site specific example right now but she'll say things that "guilt" you into thinking you should have done something differently. It's underhanded ya know.

  12. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Hahahaha - great!

    My H has a way of speaking to me that really drives me nuts. It goes something like this:

    "Good dinner, Honey. Too bad there wasn't any bread."


    "How come when you fold my laundry you don't turn the shirts right side out...match up my socks...fold my underwears, etc? But thanks for doing my laundry, Honey."

    I think he thinks if he throws a 'honey' onto the end of everything snide he says, I will take it as a 'nice' comment rather than how it was truly intended.
  13. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    Last edited: Jun 3, 2009
  14. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Nice dinner - too bad there wasn't any bread.

    That's passive aggressive?

    Wonder if Mr. no-rolls would like to come live at the Star house.....

    Nice dinner - too bad there wasn't any bread.

    No bread? DId you want bread? Did you EARN enough money to buy bread you pathetic looser, did you call ahead like a normal person and say "Gosh honey I'd like to have bread with our meal that YOU are cooking after you worked a TEN hour shift, just like me except in that ten hours you only worked at your job, and I - called and made EVERYONE a dentist appointment, called my doctor to get the results of my cancer screening, put gas in my car, picked up the dogs medicine at the vets, got stuck in a massive traffic jam, thought ahead to pack a gallon of water in the trunk because my car is 19 years old and overheats when it stands idle.....and then paid the bills, remembered after three days to get myself some deoderant and picked up your prescriptions, hair gel, starch for iriong YOUR bloody shirts only to come out and find MY car smashed in the Target Parking lot with a lame note on it from someone who doesn't EXIST and you want to ***** about BREAD."

    KISS MY HOT CROSS BUNS MAN - from now on if you want bread? YOU get the bread. YOu are the bread man - YOU are the dough boy - YOU have to rise to this occasion yeast you be told off AGAIN.....


    yeah - we don't have too many "oh gee you did this but not that" discussions in our home anymore. _-Um I mean since Dude left.
  15. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    My husband can be very passive-aggressive, he usually uses words. An example:

    The morning our Disney World ended, we were having breakfast in the food court. He says to me, with a big grin, "Gee, Honey, I'm surprised and really proud that you managed to walk all the parks this week. I thought for sure you would need one of those electric wheelchairs to get around." Me, confused, asks "Why would I need an electric wheelchair to get around?" His answer: "Well, because you're overweight, I thought for sure all the walking would be too much for you."

    That was the first (and hopefully last) time I made a public scene with my husband.
  16. eekysign

    eekysign New Member

    Oh, I've had a ton of passive-aggressive roomies. It usually plays out like this:

    Me: Oh hey, did you get the trash out to the curb last night?
    Roomie: Oh no, since I cleaned the bathroom last, I figured you'd be able to handle that. But don't worry, I can do that, too. It's not a problem, I'll just be late to work tomorrow so I can take care of that. It's fine. Don't worry about it.
    Me: ??????

    See, instead of coming right out and addressing a problem ("I feel it is your turn to clean the bathroom"), they instead drag their feet on other important tasks (trash) until you notice, then insist they (martyr, martyr, martyr) will do THOSE too, since you're obviously incompetent. And they tell you ALL of that, but they do it in such a way that they aren't FIGHTING, so you can't really respond. It's hard to confront such people!

    Pass-Aggress people are: Martyrs. They're also the type of people that blatantly ignore you when you speak (and you know full well they're listening), then look up and say, "Oh, I'm SO sorry, were you talking to ME?". They're being offensive directly to your face, but pretending they didn't MEAN it, so you're not allowed to respond. They're the people who tell you that the party is at XYZ's house, but "forget" to mention the family has a large dog, when they KNOW you're scared of dogs.

    (by the way, not scared of dogs - never happened to me. ;) it's just a good example)
  17. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    mother in law Queen of this... she uses guilt.

    Her last one was the watching of her Father.
    "I know you guy's have a lot on your plate, (Her way of saying she really doesn't think we do) I know I shouldn't ask this of you, (but she really thinks she should and will anyway) but could you watch Pop for 2 months."
    "He really won't be a bother, (meaning he will and she just needs a break but will not admit it) you should only need to check on him every other day or so, (meaning every day)."

    She then adds the real whammo, about how she would ask husband's Brother but he would not do something like this, (meaning can husband ask him to help). Because she is afraid to confront him.

    I think of these things as her little passive ways of still acting like perfect Mom and us never being able to be outwardly mad at her, but underneath she is aggressively getting her way.
  18. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    I always told parents that you can gripe and moan about your kid doing their homework. They might actually do it under great distress for all involved, but it usually gets done. (aggressive part). can't make the bugger turn in a perfect paper.. (passive)

  19. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    If you really loved me you would know what I need.
  20. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My easy child is totally passive aggressive-drives me crazy at times. difficult child is not passive aggressive, just plain aggressive.